Want to be treated respectfully

[sammie96]

For the past 18months a co-worker has completely blanked me. They talk right through me as if I’m invisible. It has effects on the job. Communication just doesn’t happen. I’ve brought it up with my manager a few times who have agreed it isn’t professional and would have a word. They just shrug it off and nothing changes. I find the situation embarrassing and it’s made me feel very self conscious. I’m currently working with my manager on something that a few others find a bit controversial and it’s caused a lot of debate. I overheard this particular co-worker giving their opinion on the subject today and a lot of whispering with another co -worker, it was very obvious they were talking about me, they had their back to the door and I heard them say to the other person “I’ll watch your face” which was asking them to indicate that I was entering the room. It was extremely uncomfortable. I spoke to the manager and their manager today who said they will speak to this person again. There is no reason why I’m being treated so differently by this one person, it’s actually really disturbing. I should of left a long time ago but I love my job and I wouldn’t see or speak to anyone for hours if I left. AIBU to expect to be treated respectfully by all co-workers? I feel my employer could of reacted better to this a long time ago, at one point I was told to sort it myself!

The first time they spoke to this person I actually left it a couple of weeks before asking my manager if they’d had chance to speak to this person yet because I expected a change, I was wrong. My manager had spoken to this person immediately, apparently they just looked down and shrugged it off. My manager was surprised it was still going on and said they would take it to their boss. I never heard if that actually happened. Recently (last week) I mentioned it again, to my manager and the big boss, they both agreed to sort it out, it’s so embarrassing repeating myself and really stressful. I can’t help but get emotional I wish I didn’t but it’s really disturbing, Still no change. I don’t even know if they’ve spoken to her yet. I walk in the room and everyone acknowledges me expect her. I’m left alone in the room with her and no communication at all just a very uncomfortable silence. After so long I can see from their point of view how difficult it could be to suddenly change and being forced to isn’t a great way of connecting is it. If suddenly she just says hello I’d be shocked, unnerved but a little relieved. I know she would absolutely hate doing it so I might feel a little bit of pleasure to! She is definitely bringing out the worst in me. The times I’ve built myself up to talk to her but thought better of it at the last second. I’m a bit wary of taking to her alone to because I’m pretty sure at the start of all this she made a couple of false accusations about me. Obviously I denied any of it because I knew I was innocent but it really threw me that someone could be so nasty. The manager at the time was very accusing and I felt let down by them to because of the way it was put to me and I think believed. If I could tell you what the accusations were it might put me but it was pretty serious. Nothing was ever recorded officially about it which was a relief but the way it was handled I feel was inappropriate. It was during these allegations that I first highlighted the problem with this one person, I did so because I felt I needed to defend myself. I was told that they couldn’t get involved in this and I should sort it out myself. I felt so alone and vulnerable, worrying about what I’d be accused of next. Luckily nothing like that has happened that I’m aware of and I do tip toe very carefully around her now so not to give the slightest ammunition. What a way to have to work?

I feel for you, OP. I have been in your shoes..except the person who was bullying me was my actual manager.

She, very obviously, treated me very differently from my team members. With everyone else on my team she was laid back, bubbly, friendly and warm but to me she was the opposite. She would blank me, was cold towards me and if she needed to speak to me about day to day stuff she would send me a stiff, official sounding email. I couldn't breath without her pouncing on me whereas with everyone else she was very laid back. She once tried to give me a written warning for missing a deadline where I had to complete an annual data protection assessment. The date the assessment details were emailed to everyone and the deadline for completion were both whilst I was on leave! I instigated a couple of meetings with her and sat down with her and would gently enquire if I had done something wrong, or had upset her in some way. Each time she would act as if she didn't know what I was talking about. It seemed like there was one rule for the rest of the team, and one rule for me.

She once sent the whole team an email but deliberately manually removed my name by expanding the team name, detailing a planned team night out for her birthday one Friday night. Normally Friday night shifts are easy to swap with a bit of notice. Although I used to work every Friday until 7pm, I could have swapped if I had received that email when it was sent. Which is what the others on my team who worked Friday nights did. By the time I got wind of the night out, it was too late to organise cover (not that I would have gone anyway) but the most embarrassing thing was that I was the only member of my team literally sat at my desk on my own amongst a sea of empty desks whilst other members from other teams covered the rest of my team normally working Friday lates. I went home and burst into tears.

So I started keeping a diary of dates and examples. Eventually I approached her manager and detailed everything that was going on. Her manager was very disbelieving at first and said it wasn't in her nature, but cut a long story short,
It got sorted in the end and she ended up being reprimanded, and moved to another team as an advisor instead of manager but it took some getting there and it was one of the worst periods of my life.

I would advise you to start a diary of dates and times and build up evidence to back you up. Stop approaching your manager if they are doing nothing about it and go down the grievance route with HR.

Hang in there

I'm so sorry, OP, you've had some really good advice on here and I hope you find a way to resolve this that doesn't mean you have to leave a job you love.

I've been in your shoes. I had a holiday job at a nursing home during my first degree, when I was in my early 20s. There was another care assistant who just refused to acknowledge my existence at all. Everyone else was lovely to me. It never was resolved but thankfully for me it wasn't a permanent job so there was no reason to try and tackle her about it. It was hurtful, though, and baffling as I had no idea why she was doing it.

Awful to hear others have gone through this to. There are some horrible people making people so miserable, I wonder if they actually realise the consequences of their behaviour.

I don’t have a HR dept. It’s my manager and then the boss.

This persons behaviour is so sly I often think I don’t have a leg to stand on. On paper it can sound so petty. I’ve found the managers assistant now treats me differently, she knows all about my unofficial complaints and was actually taking part in the horrible behaviour the other day when I overheard her and the nasty one discussing me and the assistant was asked by the nasty one to be ‘on look out’ in case I was coming in the room, I was stood in the door way! I’m pretty sure the assistant tried to nit pick my work yesterday. Maybe I’m being paranoid. The nasty one does get very friendly with the assistant.

I know you love what you do, OP, but I seriously would look for another job. It sounds like you're screwed where you are. You'll find that a weight has come off your shoulders when you're in a place where you're treated right.

But I would also get some legal advice; it's called 'constructive dismissal', when the behaviour of others forces you out. Keep a diary where you log everything.

How are you OP? Have you decided what to do?

Op, I'm going to be brutal here as I don't think other posters are doing you any favours at all.

All this "he said, she said, they did this, they don't like me, they're nitpicking, I've complained.." is a total waste of time. No-one cares. really. You sound like a total nightmare employee to me.

All that you are required to do is your job. I think lack of confidence and self-esteem are at the root of this. The more you complain about other people the less you will be respected. Stop with the blame and the accusations. Stop with the complaints. Stop with the crap. Try to understand that the only person you need to impress is yourself.

Sounds like they are trying to 'Gaslight' you. Silly, bitchy way to behave, but in all female offices it can be Hell.

TwitterQueen1 I did have confidence and self esteem before I was treated so disrespectfully. What do you expect people to do just give in to these type of people - bullies. I have self respect and refuse to accept that it’s ok to be treated this way. I’m not complaining all the time, it took almost a year to bring up the situation and then it was only because I was asked a direct question.

I wouldn't rely on constructive dismissal being a realistic option here, it's VERY hard to prove. I think only about 3% of cases are succcessful.

Sorry if I missed this part OP, but have you actually raised a formal grievance regarding this or just spoken to your boss?

If you haven't then I would do so.

How long have you worked there for OP?

I’ve worked there for 20 months and I haven’t yet made a formal complaint.

If you've worked there for less than 2 years they can get rid of you without any reasoning so sit tight if poss and wait another 4 months, keeping a diary during this time then put in an official complaint .

I feel very sorry for you OP. I would not speak alone to this person but, as others have said, I would keep a diary of events. I would also make a formal complaint, even if you plan to leave. I have had this done to me many years ago and for ages I kept thinking it was something I had done, but now I see that it wasn't my fault.

Lots of advice to engage in very strong actions (grievances etc). These are final options. First is mediation as this will never be resolved if the two of you can't actually talk to each other. I would prepare a summary of the situation including duration and that you have sought help from managers previously but nothing had changed and ask for a professionally mediated conversation. Sometimes it works, sometimes not but requesting this gives you back a sense control and being seen as the one willing to take steps to resolve the situation is a good thing.

Sounds hideous OP... Bullying no more no less... Completely wears your down. My empathy I tolerated similar behaviour...For aeons... Really destroyed my health... But ultimately, after I left my bully did exactly the same with someone else. It was not 'me'!

I'm going to come from a different angle:

Q 1. How likely is this woman to leave /be fired? - apart from the time wasting bullying people - is she any good at her job? Has she been there a long time? If you do complain - will it be treated seriously - rather than the ubiquitous 'personality clash', rather than the very real bullying?

Q2 yes, you love your job- but could you get a similar post, elsewhere? Could you put out feelers? You would feel better if you felt you had options?

I’ve just written my resignation letter. I still feel mixed about this but I want to leave without being seen to of kicked up to much of a fuss. It’s obvious things will never change and management aren’t much good or as they seem. I’ve got to be brave enough to hand it in now. I don’t want to give a reason. I’m not out to cause any trouble. Hopefully something else will come along soon.

I left my letter on the managers desk and left. I wonder if much will be said tomorrow? I think they will just be glad that I’m going quietly. A little relieved now but nervous for tomorrow.

Oh no, OP.

I came back onto the thread to say please reconsider resigning. At least until you have found another job. Could you consider retracting it?

It was harder than I thought it would be to hand in the letter. I can’t really change my mind. I didn’t give any details in my letter other than this is my formal letter of resignation. I bet nobody will ask my reason for leaving, it’s so obvious. Shame nobody could of helped do anything about the problem.

Those bullies will soon be a distant memory. Do your best to secure a new job whilst working out your notice period (if you have one).

There is also lots of good advice on here along lines of 'how not to mention why I really left my job in an interview' etc.

I'd be so torn between saying nothing (i.e. won't waste my breath, just want shot) and telling your manager that the bullying has got worse, despite reporting multiple times. The e.g. you gave of the two acting together is pathetic from 2 grown women.

I'd also want to make it clear that this isn't an environment you would recommend anyone else to work in i.e. word gets round! Inability of management to bring their team together has consequences - this comes from the top.

Find seniors & colleagues that are worth investing yourself in.

I left a job I once loved for very similar reasons to the op.... I had gathered evidence of the bully but was told it wasn't enough to go on by my manager. To be fair it all looked pretty minor, messing up my work so as to make me seem incompetent (who was to say it was her and not me being incompetent?!) Spreading rumours and lies to try to taint my character and turn fellow friends/colleagues against me sounded like the stuff of playgrounds!
Eventually I left and have never looked back. That was over 5years ago now and I've found other jobs I love doing. And karma seems to be sorting her life out nicely....

Thanks to the previous posters that’s e exactly what I needed to hear.

The boss came over and said she’d got my letter and asked if it was because of the situation with my ‘colleague’ I said yes. She said they had tried to get through to her but it wasn’t going in. She also said she would be making it clear to my ‘colleague’ that I had gone because of her, what’s the use of that once I’m gone! They said it was a real shame I was going and would give me a glowing reference. I really did love the job, but it’s been so stressful and that does me no good. What to do now? For the next 3-4 weeks continue with my fake smile and pleasantries I suppose.

Good work! Do push your boss for a reference in writing - say you need it now to apply for another job with and want something generic on file - may be draft yourself for her to tweak & sign - dates worked, position held, responsibilities etc.

Another motive for getting the reference ASAP is whether, after getting it, do you want to work your full notice period? Unsure of your work structure but can you say the 'colleague' situation means you just want to wrap up your projects, hand over and then go - e.g. in 2 weeks instead of 4?

With regards to not working your full notice period - I'm sure they would be flexible in any scenario esp. yours plus they're hardly going to sue you (expensive) for a couple of weeks salary - just a suggestion if you want out quickly.