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Original poster

Is this out or order or am I over reacting?

70 replies

Nutmeggy · 09/09/2017 23:03

Just found out my partner has been texting a female younger work colleague quite often, speaking on the phone and going for lunch with her, and arrranging to have drinks next month.

We don't live together and I only found out by accident when I borrowed his phone earlier as my battery had died.

There are a lot of texts, none of them sexual but very long and he discusses his work his plans for weekends and things he is doing outside work and yet none mention me?

They had lunch recently it seems and he I still talking about where they will go next time and where I stand she taking him?

Quite confused and unsure if this is innocent or not

She has a boyfriend and is significantly younger

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 09/09/2017 23:05

Any flirting in the messages?

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 09/09/2017 23:06

A bit yes? Jokey banter almost?

OP posts:
ShapelyBingoWing · 09/09/2017 23:07

Has he ever mentioned het to you?

Yukbuck · 09/09/2017 23:08

Has he mentioned her? And going for lunch?
The age thing shouldn't matter? (Unless she is a child and you are concerned about her in that respect) I have friends both male and female who are much older than me.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2017 23:09

Sounds like they are just friends to me? They work together so have that in common. How long have you been together?

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 09/09/2017 23:10

No never mentioned her to me, I was surprised to they obviously talk a lot as he refers to things in the texts etc some quite personal stuff

He's only been at this role 2 months so I'm surprised

OP posts:
Original poster
Nutmeggy · 09/09/2017 23:11

We have been together a year but going through a rough patch and I'm wondering if this is why now

OP posts:
Original poster
Nutmeggy · 09/09/2017 23:14

He seems to be doing things for me that's also a worry, buying her coffees in the morning on his way in etc

Perhaps I am silly to worry, he just hasn't been like that with me for a while

OP posts:
ShapelyBingoWing · 09/09/2017 23:28

I'd be a bit concerned I think. IMO making a good new friend at your new job is something you'd mention to a partner, even in passing, unless there was some reason you felt the need to keep it from them.

Do you react badly to him socialising with women?

Summerswallow · 09/09/2017 23:28

My husband has had female colleagues as friends, but their friendships were never that big a deal to him, he might meet them once a month or so or go for the odd coffee, but not a persistent or important friendship, and certainly not playing an important emotional role in his life like this one seems to- taking in coffees, texting a lot, it all does seem like it's filling a void which might be innocent at the moment, but could stray towards the inappropriate. Put it this way, I wouldn't want a man at work behaving like that towards me, and would find it too much, so that's my take on it.

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 04/11/2017 20:07

Well it's been a month, and he is still in touch with her every other day even whilst on holiday, talk on phone I know and meet up

I haven't said anything yet, but do look at his messages from time to time, he says he misses her whilst on holiday? None of their chat is about work either?

OP posts:
Justbookedasummmerholiday · 04/11/2017 20:08

So dump him then. If he needs her to stroke his ego he isn't committed to you.

Pengggwn · 04/11/2017 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 04/11/2017 20:12

Thanks yes I am building up the courage to discuss with him

OP posts:
HughLauriesStubble · 04/11/2017 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 04/11/2017 20:16

He is cheating and isn't likely to want to discuss it!!

TheyDoThoughDontTheyThough · 04/11/2017 20:18

Oh dear. Huge red flags. You deserve better than this, OP.

greendale17 · 04/11/2017 20:20

I think he is either cheating or planning to.

If it was all innocent why has he never mentioned her to you?

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 04/11/2017 20:23

I don't think anything has happened yet but worry that he is interested and that's why he is distant with me, they sign off with x now which I don't like

OP posts:
pinkliquorice · 04/11/2017 20:23

My partner has many females friends, not always do I expect him to inform me she has texted him or they have met up.
If you think it’s suspicious and are uncomfortable all you need to do is ask him about it, see how he reacts.

AMagdalena · 04/11/2017 20:26

If he's never mentioned her to you, his conscience might not be as clear as you'd like to be.

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 04/11/2017 20:28

Yes one half of me wants to think it's innocent but the other half is very worried especially as he doesn't seem very interested in making long term plans right now with me, he keep saying putting off discussing our holiday next year

OP posts:
Hooplaaaa · 04/11/2017 20:31

It's not innocent in my opinion. Ask him asap it's not fair on you. And it will just eat you if you leave it any longer. Good luck.

Dancinggoat · 04/11/2017 20:34

I think I would have to confront him for my own sanity.
My worry is that he’ll fob it off as a friendship and try to make you the neurotic one about the friendship.
This is horrid for you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/11/2017 20:39

It might be innocent from her side, who knows, but not from his. I think he is hoping it will become a something more but is keeping you hanging on until it does and in case it doesnt.

He wont be honest, he will tell you that they are just friends and you are over reacting, so you need to decide whether you are prepared to put up with this or not. He will keep in contact, he is working with her after all, so if you dont want to accept that (and who would?) then you need to walk away.