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Original poster

Is this out or order or am I over reacting?

70 replies

Nutmeggy · 09/09/2017 23:03

Just found out my partner has been texting a female younger work colleague quite often, speaking on the phone and going for lunch with her, and arrranging to have drinks next month.

We don't live together and I only found out by accident when I borrowed his phone earlier as my battery had died.

There are a lot of texts, none of them sexual but very long and he discusses his work his plans for weekends and things he is doing outside work and yet none mention me?

They had lunch recently it seems and he I still talking about where they will go next time and where I stand she taking him?

Quite confused and unsure if this is innocent or not

She has a boyfriend and is significantly younger

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/11/2017 20:40

You've only been together a year, you're going through a 'rough patch', he's emotionally investing in someone else, someone else's he's never mentioned to you and never mentions you to her...

He's distant. He doesn't want to plan stuff with you.

Why bother 'confronting' him? Why not just get rid of him?

Breadwithgarlicon · 04/11/2017 20:41

Piecing it all together, it doesn't sound too hopeful, sorry. You haven't been together very long, you don't trust him and he's not including you in his relationship with her, even when on holiday. He doesn't even mention you in his messages to her. I wouldn't tolerate this from my dp and also wouldn't do it to him. I don't think it's respectful to you.

Mittens1969 · 04/11/2017 20:42

I wouldn’t like it, personally. If it was entirely innocent your partner would have mentioned her by now, he would have mentioned things this colleague had said and that they had gone for a coffee. It’s the secrecy that’s worrying.

pinkliquorice · 04/11/2017 20:43

Too many people are jumping to conclusions and only assuming the worst OP.
Don’t just leave him if you don’t want to, ask him it and could be completely innocent.
I hope you get the best result from this, whether that is being with or without him.

Swizzlesticks23 · 04/11/2017 20:43

Some girl at my work also younger has a relationship with a man at work which sounds similar to this. Myself and my colleague constantly say how I comftable we would be if we was the gf.

It's not right.

It actually is literally the same even about the holiday stuff lunch dates calls texts.

Does your partners name begin with N?

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 04/11/2017 20:47

I'm going to talk to him later and see what he says, I think if they are just friends we can all meet maybe, I will see what his reaction is.

OP posts:
StudentMumArghh · 04/11/2017 20:48

I don't think this is innocent at all!

AccrualIntentions · 04/11/2017 20:49

If it's out of character for him I'd be concerned. I have a male work friend I became close to in quite a short space of time when we started working together, and we would meet up and text a lot because we just really clicked.

But all we were was colleagues and friends, so there was no secrecy, we both ended up meeting each other's partners and everyone was fine with it.

sausagerole · 04/11/2017 20:49

I'm sorry OP, but there's no way this is innocent. Even if it isn't sexual/romantic now, it's heading that way.

If you've got a long term partner and you're talking to someone about your weekend/holiday or whatever, you'd have to work quite hard to keep yourself from mentioning them even in passing. Your partner is clearly doing this quite deliberately, which he wouldn't be doing if this were just a totally platonic friendship.

Obsidian77 · 04/11/2017 20:55

I think AnnieAnoniMouse has summed it up perfectly.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/11/2017 21:06

I think on her part, it's possibly innocent, but he is definitely trying his luck !
Telling her he misses her, whilst on holiday with you .... lose him @Nutmeggy, you are worth more.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/11/2017 21:06

I also agree with Annie
He's distant. You are in a rough patch. End it.

By the way, you don't have a rough patches in relationships this new. You have finding out you are not as compatible as you first thought.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/11/2017 21:08

Decades ago I became friends with a married guy at work. Obvs this was pre-texts so a bit different as far as out of work contact. We had a couple of common interests so lots to talk about. Neither of us was interested in the other in a romantic way. He freely talked about his wife just as I talked about the 'boyfriend du jour'. It was a 'workplace friendship', period. We had coffee and did the crossword and usually lunch together to talk about horse racing or life in general but that was it. We would never have contacted each other out of work hours, much less on holiday!

The contacting on holiday, the fact that he never mentions you, the fact that things are in a 'rough patch' would all be concerns.

Do you think he'd be open and honest with you if you asked him? Even to the point of saying that he didn't want to be with you anymore?

pinkliquorice · 04/11/2017 21:09

@Sugarpiehoneyeye

It could be inappropriate and have bad intentions but that alone can’t be wrong?
When on holiday with my DP I miss my friends, female and male.

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 04/11/2017 21:12

I think it's probably ok, we have just been texting before I see him later, he didn't tell me as he thought I would over react or get jealous, he says they are just friends and he has no romantic interest in her whatsoever

OP posts:
AccrualIntentions · 04/11/2017 21:13

he didn't tell me as he thought I would over react or get jealous

Oh now that would be a big red flag for me even if I thought it could be innocent before.

pinkliquorice · 04/11/2017 21:19

That’s good OP, continue to question though if you are still worried.
A lot of the answers on here are the exact reason he didn’t tell you because he thought you would be worried or jealous.
There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, it can be innocent.

StudentMumArghh · 04/11/2017 21:20

I think it's probably ok

You're kidding yourself, seriously.

GlitteryFluff · 04/11/2017 21:27

Hmm, so he's just said what you want to hear and that's it done? Nah I wouldn't believe that. Sorry.

littlebird7 · 04/11/2017 21:32

Sorry op but stop building up to the conversation and just have it. Better to know now and you can move on with your life. Living a lie for 20 years is no fun, be glad, you will be in the end.

littlebird7 · 04/11/2017 21:37

The thread moved quickly and I have just seen your update and actually feel more suspicious than before. WHY would you feel jealous of a simple friendship? Obv you would not, if it was purely platonic with no feelings either side.

I would not be okay about any of this.

I would think very carefully about your next move. He is likely to change his passwords and try and hide even more. I would suggest you need some distance and to properly assess your relationship. I don't think he is being straight with you.

GabsAlot · 04/11/2017 21:39

he knew u would overreact?

isnt that txtbook for guilt?

GabsAlot · 04/11/2017 21:40

and u askd him in a txt u cant read someones reaction that way

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/11/2017 21:43

Indeed, anything is possible Pink.😀

Lovemusic33 · 04/11/2017 21:45

No man is ever going to admit to cheating, believe me however much evidence you have he would still deny it.

I think you know deep down what the truth is, the fact he has been distant with you is a huge red flag. The same happened to me a year ago, my partner became distant and I guess you could say we were going through a bad patch. Eventually I looked on his phone and he had been cheating, I wasn't as calm as you, he was living in my house and I was so angry that I removed all of his things and changed the locks. He had excuses, denied everything even though I had seen for myself that he had arranged to meet her for sex. He would never admit that he actually cheated.

Get rid, you have been together for just a year and you are already going through a rough patch?? You should be all over each other, he shouldn't be chatting up someone else or even going to lunch with someone else and not telling you about it.

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