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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not like comments from in laws about me working?

66 replies

Postmanpatisarubbishpostman · 21/08/2017 14:47

I've got two young children, one in school and one a baby. I've worked part time since the eldest was born. I'm in a job share.

I'm quite happy working part time, dh is happy with me working part time because he earns more, and his job doesn't allow any flexibility at all. Not much annual leave, early starts, late finishes with no notice it's impossible for him to do any pick ups/drop offs or be around if one of the kids is sick.

We've got no plans to change anything for the foreseeable.

We've got enough money to live on, my take home pay isn't bad at all for part time salary.

Despite this, every time I see fil he has to make comments about me working.

Things such as saying I should work more hours because we'd have more money.

Saying he's surprised I'm allowed to get away with working the hours I do. How it's 'not right really'.

Asking when I'm upping my hours or always saying in passing 'I suppose you'll be working more hours soon'.

Asks why I don't just put the baby in the crèche at work, even though there isn't one and I've never suggested there was.

I've tried to gently put him right but still get the comments every time.

All this despite mil not having worked until dh finished secondary school.

OP posts:
stormytherabbit · 21/08/2017 14:50

Your DH should be telling them to keep their opinions to themselves.

plantsitter · 21/08/2017 14:51

Honestly you can't win when it comes to working/childcare, so just ignore.

You could always quite pleasantly just say 'fil I have no plans to increase my hours. It's working really well for us like this. I'll let you know if things change. Now, what were you saying about that boring golf tournament you were in?' or something. Being straightforward can be hard to do but is always always worth it.

Anatidae · 21/08/2017 14:52

Ask him why it's not right. And push and push until he squirms.

BenLui · 21/08/2017 14:53

Stop being "gentle".

"FIL, why do you raise this repeatedly? It's none of your business!"

Why hasn't your DH sorted his Dad out?

Cambionome · 21/08/2017 14:54

None of his bloody business!! Angry
Has your dh said anything to him? If not, he needs to right now.

scrabbler3 · 21/08/2017 14:55

maybe he's peeved at your MiL for not having worked, and he's taking it out on you.

XJerseyGirlX · 21/08/2017 14:55

Just say "god father in law your like a broken record" we have had this conversation countless times. Im getting rather worried about your memory!

Original poster
Postmanpatisarubbishpostman · 21/08/2017 15:00

I've told dh, he always claims not to have heard, and says to ignore fil who is renowned for being a know it all. I wish at time dh would back me up.

As for why I shouldn't get away with it, he thinks I'm in a public sector none job.

I have stupidly at times ended up scrambling to justify my reasons when I shouldn't.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 21/08/2017 15:04

Don't justify yourself. Either say "I do not wish to discuss this with you as it's none of your business" or simply just get up and walk away. If you want back up, call your husband over after he makes a comment and then say "Your father has , AGAIN, asked me why I am not working more hours. Can you please explain this is a situation amongst ourselves and are no concern to him". This will also nip the "I didn't hear him say anything" argument in the bud as well.

MrsBobDylan · 21/08/2017 15:05

Ask fil to talk to dh about it and walk away. That way dh can't claim not to know and fil and prattle on about something which is none of his fucking business.

KimmySchmidt1 · 21/08/2017 15:06

My FIL is a chronic know it all with absolutely no filter - it sounds like yours is the same and this particular topic of his ignorance is particularly grating you.

why not turn the tables and just say next time in an affable way "blimey you are always going on about this, does it really bother you?" or turn it on the government and say "you know what the problem is, childcare is so expensive that if I worked anymore it would be more expensive after tax to get childcare than I would be earning" so you can deflect him off onto a rant about the government.

Remember, you are an adult, he is an idiot - dont take it personally and think of ways to direct the idiocy away from yourself.

DJBaggySmalls · 21/08/2017 15:08

Take the advice given by your DH as he isnt going to say anything.
He's doing it to see you scramble to defend yourself, so learn some assertiveness techniques and quit giving him the pleasure.
Stop giving this man any of your head space. He isnt worth your time or energy. Stop trying to communicate with him or please him. Speak only when spoken to, and only use the bare minimum of words. You can call him something like The Slave Driver in your head if it helps.
He's like a toddler having a tantrum and he's not your problem.

Moanyoldcow · 21/08/2017 15:11

Tell him point blank that's it's none of his business and you don't want to talk about your job with him. Every time.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 21/08/2017 15:11

I'd ask him when he became a decision maker in your life or marriage.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 21/08/2017 15:13

Honestly you can't win when it comes to working/childcare

This^^ is so true. A colleague of mine was a very high flyer and much more successful than her dickhead husband. His parents were forever making little digs at her for working. They'd have liked her to quit and stay at home.

I agree with pps that you need to shut these conversations down as soon as they happen. Either get up and walk off, even if fil's in mid flow, or explain (politely) it's none of his business.

Yes, your DH probably should be backing you up more, but it doesn't sound as if he is going to help you out much on this issue for whatever reason.

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/08/2017 15:18

Just say something outrageous every time he does it.

An Aunt of DH's used to make comments about "why you married my nephew" whenever I met her (he's from a very well off family who assume money is the root of everything) and would frequently muse on it almost to try and embarrass me. So I let it go and let it go until one Christmas party evening I smiled so, so sweetly and said "Oh no, I didn't marry him for his money, I married him for his enormous knob". It's the most crass/vulgar thing I've ever said to an older person but my god she'd never dare broach the subject now.

As awful as it feels, I don't think keeping quiet is the right thing. Your DC are going to grow up listening to your FIL speak rudely towards you and witness your DH not standing up for you. I think you need to stick up for yourself and show him his bolshy shit isn't going to work.

Dina1234 · 21/08/2017 15:20

Ask when he'll be young his hours-he does have any children to take care of so he'll easily be able to do more work.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/08/2017 15:20

'Hmmm FIL maybe you're right. Maybe I should work more - maybe I don't know what's typical if you see what I mean. Remind me, how did you guys split it? How many hours did MIL work while still being the primary carer for the children who always had to make sure she was available for pickups, appointments, etc.??'

HandsOffTheJaffaCake · 21/08/2017 15:23

As I am sure you know there is no "right answer" re working/childcare... however, his comments do need to be stopped.

I would tell him in a controlled way that:

  1. you are both happy with the balanced situation you have;
  2. as he can appreciate from when his wife did not work, it can be extremely helpful not to work fulltime
  3. explain simply this is a job share situation - so more hours would mean taking the other persons job;
  4. you have enough money

I would also get you husband (and MIL) to support you

SapphireStrange · 21/08/2017 15:24

If your DH won't back you up (and I'd tear him a new one for that), you need to stand up for yourself.

Tell FIL 'None of your business' when he starts. Every time. Don't engage beyond that; you don't need to justify your hours/finances/reasons or get into an argument or discussion. Broken record.

HandsOffTheJaffaCake · 21/08/2017 15:25

alternatively - you could call his bluff - say yes excellent idea, I assume you are volunteering to do the childcare?

ticketytock1 · 21/08/2017 15:28

Not helpful, but I think I would tell him to fuck right off!

TheLegendOfBeans · 21/08/2017 15:29

It's time for a variation of the MN head tilt:

Next time he says anything to you, reach for:

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

loudly and so everyone can tune in.

areyoubeingserviced · 21/08/2017 15:29

I blame your dh tbh. You have obviously made it clear to your dh that you aren't happy with FIL and your dh still hasn't said
anything.
Is your dh ok with you working PT? If he is, why doesn't he defend you?
You definitely have to nip this on the bud.
Stop trying to justify your decision to FIL. The next time he mentions this, get up and walk away, just don't engage. Every time he mentions your job, just walk away without engaging. He will soon get the message.

Donttouchthethings · 21/08/2017 15:33

"We're happy as we are" and change the subject.
"Oh really?" and change the subject.
"Yes, you said that last time" and change the subject.
"Yaawwnn!!" and change the subject.

You get the idea.

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