To not like comments from in laws about me working?

[Postmanpatisarubbishpostman]

I've got two young children, one in school and one a baby. I've worked part time since the eldest was born. I'm in a job share.

I'm quite happy working part time, dh is happy with me working part time because he earns more, and his job doesn't allow any flexibility at all. Not much annual leave, early starts, late finishes with no notice it's impossible for him to do any pick ups/drop offs or be around if one of the kids is sick.

We've got no plans to change anything for the foreseeable.

We've got enough money to live on, my take home pay isn't bad at all for part time salary.

Despite this, every time I see fil he has to make comments about me working.

Things such as saying I should work more hours because we'd have more money.

Saying he's surprised I'm allowed to get away with working the hours I do. How it's 'not right really'.

Asking when I'm upping my hours or always saying in passing 'I suppose you'll be working more hours soon'.

Asks why I don't just put the baby in the crèche at work, even though there isn't one and I've never suggested there was.

I've tried to gently put him right but still get the comments every time.

All this despite mil not having worked until dh finished secondary school.

Stop being "gentle" with your responses, he obviously has the hide of an elephant.

If you don't want to be so assertive as to tell him it's yours and your DH's concern and no-one else's then just find a form of words to shut him down and repeat, repeat, repeat.

"You should work more hours so you'd have more money". "The situation works for us."

"I don't know how you get away with working part-time hours. It's not right really." "The situation works for us."

"I suppose you'll be upping your hours soon". "The situation works just fine for us."

"Why don't you put the baby in the work creche?" "The situation works just fine for us."

Whatever he says, just repeat your phrase in a a robotic and emotionless tone of voice. Don't say anything else about it. At all.

If he gets pissed off with your non-responses and starts hectoring you, change to a second stock phrase. "Why don't you speak to your son about it."

The only way this would be any of his business would be if you guys were going cap in hand to him every month because you didn't have enough money to live. If that isn't the case then he really needs to keep his nose out of your business.

Tell him - I am thinking of revising my hours down to none just like (name of MIL) did. It obviously worked for you both.

Yes, tell him you'll work full time as long as he looks after the kids for free, 230 days per annum plus all sick days and medical appointments.

You carry on and ignore him. FIL won't change his mind so ignore the prick and have OH back you up.

Does your FiL work? Tell him he should do more hours or if he's retired that a part time job would do him good, a lot of older people find it gives them a new lease of life.

I've told dh, he always claims not to have heard,

That's handy. Means he won't hear it when you tell FiL to do one.

As has already been said, if you carry on being nice your children are going to grow up watching you be walked over all the time.

Next time he starts talking about your job tell him you are happy as you are and the subject is not up for discussion. If he carries on talking about it repeat that the subject is not up for discussion and if he continues talking about it you will ask him to leave (or you will leave, depending on where you are). Then do it, with a minimum of fuss. Do it every time.

I like RatherBeRiding's suggestion. You have a prepared line you can use as a reply whenver he raises the subject. Don't be drawn into saying anything else. And make sure your DH hears you! He really ought to be backing you up more.

Absolutely none of his business.
Next time he does it don't be drawn into justifying anything.
I like some of the suggestions above. I think I would smile sweetly and say 'just as well it has got nothing yo do with you'. And eyeball him with a very bland expression.

DH needs to tell him to mind his own business.

You'll never win with people like this. If you did start working full-time, no doubt the record would change to "poor X (insert name of baby) having to spend all day in nursery. X (insert name of MIL) would never have allowed that." Or "oh, the childminder is collecting X from school is she? Not the same as a mother though is it?"

It doesnt matter if he heard..unless he thinks his wife is a massive liar.

If he comments again, just say to him "I've been thinking why did Mil not go to work until Dh was in secondary school what was the reason for that?"
Then sit back and watch him squirm, or come up with stupid excuses.

It's sometimes more about how you say something than why you say it. Practise saying "oh, this again" in a really nasty way and staring hard at him. Men who pick on women don't like being treated with aggression.

How VERY tedious of him. I suppose your DH would be a bit annoyed if you started suggesting to his face that FIL was losing his memory since you keep telling him that you're HAPPY with the arrangement and that you CANNOT change it?
Or you could try the "mm hmm, and how do you propose I do that then?" and see what shit he comes up with.

I would find that so irritating, I'd be hard put to stay civil in the face of constant provocation. I would very quickly move onto "so why do you think I should work more, when your OWN wife didn't until the children were much older?"

But then I have no FIL and I'm a bit too blunt at times, so my advice probably isn't the most helpful!

My MIL didn't work until DP left secondary school and they think I should work all the time too ... odd to say the least !

He absolutely hates being challenged. At times when you be came back with how it's works fine for us. He goes all wounded and says 'you do what you want, I'm not bothered'. Yet it comes up time and time again.

The irony is he keeps saying how he had to work long hours and missed out on so much of dh childhood,

Then I'd be tempted to be really direct.

'FIL, stop talking about this subject. It's none of your business. You say you're not bothered but you keep mithering me about it. Every time you bring it up I will leave/ask you to leave.'

And make sure you stick to it.

If he comments again, just say to him "I've been thinking why did Mil not go to work until Dh was in secondary school what was the reason for that?"
Then sit back and watch him squirm, or come up with stupid excuses.

I'd bet my last 10p on the answer to that being "things were harder in our day."

I would take the broken record approach - something like "no, childcare costs would mean we didn't get any more money if I worked longer hours, there's no point working for a loss." - it doesn't matter if this isn't true, if he can't see the 'value' to your family of you working PT, then putting in monetary terms might be the only argument that sticks.

If he keeps on then try "it's annoying, the only people I know who make a profit from both working have free childcare from grandparents, unless you are offering, there's little point in me working full time."

oh and it easily could be that they worried about money until your MIL started working and that was when life finally got easier for them. He can see a way for you to make his son's life 'easier' by working too - he doesn't see the childcare costs as that wasn't an issue for them because their DC was old enough to not need care.

So just keep repeating you wouldn't be better off if you worked.

Tell him you are looking after his grandchildren, why on earth would he not want you to do that?
You could say sure i'll put in more hours, so you can have kids the rest of the time? Great 😀

Just say "I'll go back to work full-time when you learn to kind your own business, which it seems will be the 12th of fucking never" that should shut him up, funny enough though I bet your dh would hear that

That's perfect then if he's saying "do what you want, I'm not bothered". A hard-toned "I plan to" is all you need.

Just answer each question with the word 'no'. You don't have to explain anything or engage in conversation about it. It's nothing whatever to do with him.

You don't have to be gentle with him, he doesn't seem to have any qualms about being bloody rude to you, so just a 'no' in answer to each question will suffice.