To not like comments from in laws about me working?

[Postmanpatisarubbishpostman]

I've got two young children, one in school and one a baby. I've worked part time since the eldest was born. I'm in a job share.

I'm quite happy working part time, dh is happy with me working part time because he earns more, and his job doesn't allow any flexibility at all. Not much annual leave, early starts, late finishes with no notice it's impossible for him to do any pick ups/drop offs or be around if one of the kids is sick.

We've got no plans to change anything for the foreseeable.

We've got enough money to live on, my take home pay isn't bad at all for part time salary.

Despite this, every time I see fil he has to make comments about me working.

Things such as saying I should work more hours because we'd have more money.

Saying he's surprised I'm allowed to get away with working the hours I do. How it's 'not right really'.

Asking when I'm upping my hours or always saying in passing 'I suppose you'll be working more hours soon'.

Asks why I don't just put the baby in the crèche at work, even though there isn't one and I've never suggested there was.

I've tried to gently put him right but still get the comments every time.

All this despite mil not having worked until dh finished secondary school.

Get DH to tell him he's trying to get you to give up totally because you work too hard 😬

"FIL, what exactly is your problem with this? It clearly bothers you, why is that? I'm really tired of having to justify myself so please explain." or

"DH, could you come here and talk to FIL about my working, I don't seem able to explain it to him, and I have to do x now."

My MIL used to phone 3 or 4 times a week, to criticise talk to me about somethng I had no control over or reponsibility for - it was a dh thing completely. This went on for months, and she usually chose a time when she knew dh wouldn't be around. Until the last time. He was in, I answered the phone, she started about this thing so I just said "I'll get dh" and told him loudly (so she heard) that she wanted to talk about x. He took the phone and she never mentioned it to him at all, but she never mentioned it to me again either.

You should work more hours because you'd have more money

Is that what MIL did?

I'm surprised you're allowed to get away with that

Allowed to? By who?

It's not right really

I know. Most women don't have to - but your son doesn't earn enough unfortunately. I've had to help out...

when are you upping your hours?

When DH gets laid off.

I suppose you'll be working more hours soon

Why would you think that?

I'd just have a smart arse answer for every bit of shit he came out with, frankly.

I am a sahm my MIL used to drive me potty asking when i was getting a job. One day i snapped and replied " Never DH LOVES me being at home to look after him and I love spending his money"

I'm on maternity leave at the moment. Since the start, MIL has regularly asked me whether work has been in contact and whether I have started looking for a new job. She's even suggested jobs I should apply for. Again and again I've explained I'm on maternity, I have a job etc etc. It's bloody tedious, so I completely understand, OP.

I've started giving one word answers. "Have work contacted you recently?" No. "Have you looked around for a new job?" No. I've also just laughed when she's suggested a job to apply for. Another line you should try, OP is, "I don't know who you think will look after your grandchildren if I work full time!" then change the subject. Or, "Why on earth would I want to extend my hours! I thought we talked about this the other week?".

Post this is very simple. Your FIL does not get a say in how much work you do or not do. So very quickly you need to learn to say...

"... should work more hours because we'd have more money."
"We've got enough money, thanks, and I don't want to talk about money."

Every single fucking time he mentions it.

"S....surprised I'm allowed to get away with working the hours I do. How it's 'not right really'."
"FIL, I think you are confused this is nothing to do with you at all."

Every single fucking time he mentions it.

"....when I'm upping my hours or always saying in passing 'I suppose you'll be working more hours soon'."

"No, I am not upping my hours." Repeat ad nausium.

"why I don't just put the baby in the crèche at work, even though there isn't one and I've never suggested there was."
"There's no creche at work"

Here is your problem...

"I've tried to gently put him right but still get the comments every time.

All this despite mil not having worked until dh finished secondary school."

Here your problem. It's not about whether your MIL worked or did not work. It's about you trying to be nice to a man who stupidly thinks he can dictate to you what you do with your life.

Stop being gentle, be up front, direct and physically walk out of the room when he carries on talking.

If necessary just say "FIL, You talk about this a lot. I am not talking about it anymore, all is fine as it is and so I won't be discussing this again."

Re "I've told dh, he always claims not to have heard, and says to ignore fil who is renowned for being a know it all. I wish at time dh would back me up."

This is not your dh's problem to sort out, you tell him and tell him straight. But i do agree your dh should back you up, if he didn't hear it, does he think you are making it up? Jus get him to chime in "Leave it out dad." After you have said your bit. That is backing up. Your dh is torn, he doesn't want to be disrespectful to his father (maybe) and he is being a bit disrespectful to you, which maybe he feels is OK. It's not.

Re "I have stupidly at times ended up scrambling to justify my reasons when I shouldn't." I'm guessing he likes making you squirm, I guess he is bored. Don't attempt to justify your life, you do not need to.

Post "He absolutely hates being challenged. At times when you be came back with how it's works fine for us. He goes all wounded and says 'you do what you want, I'm not bothered'. Yet it comes up time and time again."

You do not need his permission to do what you want. You know that. So when he says it, ignore it. Or say "Of course we will do what we want, we are adults." Then when it comes up again, just ignore or say "FIL, we've been over this, I am doing what I want and all is fine." The less you engage the less he will get out of it.

"The irony is he keeps saying how he had to work long hours and missed out on so much of dh childhood,"

Yes, it is ironic but it is not the issue, the issue is whatever he or his wife did, you get to choose your life. Tell DH this bothers you, ask for support, say your bit and move on.

How old is he. Could he be going a bit senile? Even if he is then the answer is the same, disengage, don't give his thoughts oxygen.

Oopse the issue is not whatever he or his wife did....

It sounds to me like he wishes his wife had worked, so he didn't have to work so much and could have seen his kids more.

It sounds to me like he wishes his wife had worked, so he didn't have to work so much and could have seen his kids more.

Yes, I thought that too. Your DH obviously works very long hours, so I imagine that FIL is worried that DH is missing out, just as he did himself when his own kids were younger. He probably thinks he is standing up for DH by constantly going on at you.

It's none of his business, though. If your DH is happy with the current arrangement, then he really needs to make that clear to your FIL and tell him to back off/butt out. And if your DH isn't happy with the current division of labour, then he should talk to you about this himself - he is a grown-up, and he doesn't need his dad to fight his battles for him.

I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of, you seem to have forgotten mil was a SAHM so why are you so obsessed with me working more hours?

I'd be more inclined to say to fil the next time he brings it up

'I'll speak to dh about it'.

Then as soon as you are all in the vicinity

'DH, Fil was just saying that he thinks I should work full time, weren't you fil? Tell me dh, how many hours did your mum work when you were growing up?' And take it from there.

That way your dh can't skip out, and if fil tries to deny it you can quote him verbatim.

Another option is to make it about the Job share, because it's often easier to get blunt to defend others. Fil- I job share. That means it's a full time job shared between two people. I would be taking her hours away from her if I upped mine. Sandra has 3 children and a useless husband and I would NEVER do that to her! Then you could be on repeat, absolutely not, I'd feel horrible doing that.... I told you Sandra is the main breadwinner. ... you've never met Sandra and wouldn't know her from Adam, why do you think I should be trying to take her job?

Tell him he needs to go to the GP to talk about his memory loss, because he's continuing to bang on about a work creche you've already told him doesn't exist.

Oo. I like Penny's thoughts.
Definitely involve DH directly so he absolutely can't pretend he hasn't heard it.
Then wait to see what happens.

Beware though, one option is that DH might turn kipper on you (spineless and two-faced) and say "actually, why don't you want to work more?"
So have some answer ready for that one.

Or you can just try the "I'm sorry, what business is it of yours exactly?" approach.
Or even the "haha, DH, FIL thinks I should do this! Hilarious, isn't he? I didn't realise he was such a comedian" and then look completely stony faced.

Do the wide-eyed innocent thing.

When he starts up about the creche - "which creche, FIL?" When he asks about your hours, "what do you mean?"

All the while, start waving your arm around in your husband's direction, or simply call out "DH! Would you come here for a second?" then turn back to your FIL, big smile, attentive face.

Challenge everything.

Personally I don't think the broken record approach will work, it will just satisfy him that you are difficult and obstructive.

You NEED to prep your DH, OP, that this is an issue even if he thinks it isn't. Warn him that you will be calling him over for backup, and that - to help you out, in this instance - he must make himself available when you get his attention. And that once by your side, he will join you in challenging his father.

Completely unacceptable for this man to corner you in this way and try to assert dominance.