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AIBU?

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Original poster

About this office gossip?

57 replies

ToastyFeet · 18/08/2017 09:35

What can I do about this woman at work?
We work in different teams in the same office and a lot of our work overlaps so I have to see her every day.
A few weeks ago she cornered me in the kitchen and said "I didn't know that you..." it was something to do with my personal life- nothing secret but also nothing I'd have talked about at work. So I responded "who have you been talking to?!" In a smiley jokey way. And she clearly realised maybe she shouldn't have said that.
So today I'm walking into the office at the start of work and bump into her walking in too and she says to me "I didn't know you used to be married!"
I was completely baffled. I said "no you wouldn't know that, it's not something I broadcast"
I did used to be married, I haven't been married for a long time now and it was an extremely unhappy time , one that I don't want to be reminded of when I walk into the office first thing in the morning!
So anyway she didn't get the hint that it wasn't something I wanted to talk about- she said "yeah they said you were married when you met your current DP!" This is not true at all!!! So I had no idea what to say. So I just walked off! And she follows me and says "oh it's ok, you shouldn't have spent your life with someone you didn't want to, are you okay" I'm thinking please just leave me alone. So I just said "no not really, I don't like being gossiped about."
So then I walked off again and it was left. But I'm so annoyed. Firstly, where is she getting all this information from?! And secondly, I know people gossip, it's human nature, by why does she feel the need to admit that to the person she's gossiped about?!
Would I be unreasonable to discuss this with my manager or her manager? I just don't want this- I want to come into work, do my work and be professional!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastyFeet · 18/08/2017 09:52

Anyone? Sorry , I know it's a bit of an essay.

OP posts:
whatnextfred · 18/08/2017 09:54

I would tell her very politely but firmly that if she doesn't stop you'll report her

BanjoStarz · 18/08/2017 09:55

You are definitely not being unreasonable, I would absolutely hate this.

Can you ask her who she's talking to? If it's information you've not really broadcast at work then it's odd she has it.

I don't know if it's worth talking to your manager yet though- I'd give it a week of completely shutting down the conversation and see if she got the hint.

Siwdmae · 18/08/2017 09:56

Next time she approaches you with one of her pearls of wisdom, face her and say very clearly 'I fail to see how this is any of your business, nor that of whoever has been gossiping about me. This is my workplace and what you are saying is irrelevant to my job and yours, as well as unprofessional. If you continue, I will be forced to talk to HR'.

I wouldn't try to find out who has been passing on information, I would just shut her down.

greendale17 · 18/08/2017 09:59

She is relaying information that she has been told.

I would really like to know how is telling her this false information as they are really stirring the pot

Original poster
ToastyFeet · 18/08/2017 10:09

I'd absolutely love to know where she's getting it from. Who knows all this about me?! I'm not on Facebook so she can't have been having a look there.
Im not even mad about the gossiping, I do it myself with my sister and mum! But it's just the brazen way she told me she'd been gossiping! And then carried on trying to discuss it when I was making it obvious I didn't want to.
I hate when something like that happens and you're speechless and think of all the things you should have said afterwards.

OP posts:
tectonicplates · 18/08/2017 10:10

Check your privacy settings on social media.

PandorasXbox · 18/08/2017 10:12

Get her to one side and ask her where she knows all this about you?

Original poster
ToastyFeet · 18/08/2017 10:14

I'm not on FB. The only thing I'm really on is Instagram and that's private. And even if someone on there knows her, there's nothing of any interest.

OP posts:
PossibiliTea · 18/08/2017 10:17

I hate this sort of stuff, YANBU at all, I would ask her outright but in a decent way where she's got the info from

BoffinMum · 18/08/2017 10:18

Mirror her.

When you next bump into her in the coffee place say something like "Well aren't you a dark horse, I have heard all about your hidden past now!" and then quickly walk off before she has time to reply.

Bet you she will stop.

hatsoncats · 18/08/2017 10:19

To be honest, I think I would mention it to either your manager/HR.

She has already shown that she is indiscreet at work, and doesn't appear to know when to stop.

I would want to know the source of the gossip, in case it was being started by a work colleague, and an assurance that all parties would be asked to stop immediately.

If the information that she is spreading is incorrect or personally damaging, then this could have professional consequences for you.

Neutrogena · 18/08/2017 10:22

Difficult to control when the cats out of the bag.
IMHO if I keep things secret. it's more of a secret and more fun for others to gossip about.
Better to be fully open.

mummmy2017 · 18/08/2017 10:24

I would do the same.
Look her in the face and say you know some of her skeletons, but you realise they are things she is not proud of, so if she stops gossiping about you, then you won't gossip about her.

Bet someone has moved in near her who once knew you.
Said where she works, they said they knew you and they have been having a gossip fest.

Willow2017 · 18/08/2017 10:26

She is spreading lies about you, you should inform your manager or HR. Its unprofessional and slanderous. She needs to be told to keep her trap shut about people she is working with.

Tell her you dont know where she is getting her information from but its wrong and you dont appreciate her spreading stories about you without even knowing if its true or not.

Shut that shit down every time she opens her mouth. "More lies about me X?" "Are you going to tell me more gossip that you cant substantiate X?"

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 18/08/2017 10:27

I keep reading this and shaking my head. What is her problem? Is she really so obtuse that she cant see how rude and offensive she was being?

I would tell my manager actually that this was happening, but only so that when I inevitably told the woman to "mind her own fucking business" they had the full picture.

Original poster
ToastyFeet · 18/08/2017 10:28

It's not that I've ever kept the fact that I was once married a secret, it's just that it's never come up in conversation with anyone at work.
I've been with my DP ever since I started working here, and the implication that this relationship started as an affair has offended me.
I got divorced because it was an abusive relationship, hence why I do t talk about it and don't particularly want to be reminded of it by a random colleague on a nice Friday morning!

OP posts:
JiminyBillyBob · 18/08/2017 10:28

Nosy cow! And brazen! Have it out with her (in front of others if possible so they know to avoid telling her anything) and make her squirm!

EATmum · 18/08/2017 10:30

Definitely talk to your HR team and/or your manager. This is incredibly unprofessional and inappropriate. She needs some clear boundaries/guidance about what is appropriate in the workplace.

astoundedgoat · 18/08/2017 10:31

Is it possible that she knows someone connected to you OUTSIDE work?

GreenTulips · 18/08/2017 10:34

Email her and say

Further to our conversation this morning, I would appreciate it if you refrain from gossiping about me in the workplace, I have no idea who gave you misinformation about my private life, and further need to check facts with myself.

If you continue to Ben unprofessional I will have no option to put in a complaint to management about your conduct.

Crinkle77 · 18/08/2017 10:35

I don't think there is any need to go to your manager or HR at this point. Just politely tell her that you don't appreciate being talked about at work and tell her not to do it again. If it continues then I would report it but try and deal with it yourself first.

jeaux90 · 18/08/2017 10:36

End of the day you have learnt you can't trust her. That's really all you need to know.

I wouldn't report it to HR.

I might say something like "people must be very bored to be talking about me" or "well look whilst you are gossiping about me at least you are leaving someone else alone"

Big smile and walk off.

StaplesCorner · 18/08/2017 10:41

I'm also confused that she thought being divorced was worthy of comment - is she very young or not very adept socially? I agree with posters above you need to say something to her before you report.

HerOtherHalf · 18/08/2017 10:47

Just find various polite ways to tell her to fuck off.

Her: "I didn't know xyz about you".
You: That's because it's absolutely none of your business. Let's keep it that way shall we".

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