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AIBU?

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Original poster

More WWYD- when to leave DC with others

67 replies

sauceyorange · 28/05/2017 12:20

Looking for your experiences please. DC is now 15 weeks, ebf and sleeping like a baby (i.e. About 3-4 hours at a time). The ILs are constantly on about wanting to take her out so I "get a break". Now, I'm pretty sleep deprived so probably being over sensitive, but they suggested this for the first time when she was 10 days old - for the day! Which is bonkers. And I don't really want a break, it's just stressful and in any case 3 hours tops between feeds limits time available. Maybe this early suggestion made me hyper aware, but I do feel under a LOT of pressure. They clearly love her but what they really want is time with her but without me. This is irritating. However, I know that I really want dc to have a good relationship with her GPS. Should I let them take her out? When did other people do it? And, as this is AIBU, wibu to stab MIL with a fork next time she snatches my baby off me? (Jk obvs)

OP posts:
peppatax · 28/05/2017 12:21

Now?

As long as they respect a time limit and bring her back in time for feeding then I can't see why you wouldn't want them to have a few hours looking after her.

peppatax · 28/05/2017 12:22

When did other people do it?

DM first did an evening babysitting when DD was 5 weeks, stayed overnight when we had a stayaway wedding when she was 16 weeks and would take a bottle overnight.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 28/05/2017 12:23

Compromise.

They come and hang out for the day at your house.

Tell them you're not ready to be separated from your baby but they can come and spend the day with her. Have lunch, dinner, put her to bed.

You can chill out else where, say you're going to bed and watch a box set or something.

Whatsername17 · 28/05/2017 12:23

No don't let them. You aren't ready. Next time they bring it up you need to be honest. Just say that it is lovely of them to offer, but you aren't ready yet but that you will certainly take them up on it when she is a bit bigger. Then repeat.

rocketman3 · 28/05/2017 12:23

stand your ground. my baby is 5 weeks old and there is no way in hell anyone would be taking him away from me for 5 minutes let alone 3 hours. particularly not my grabby ILs who definitely think of me as a surrogate for my DP's grandson 🙄

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 28/05/2017 12:24

Tbh mine weren't out of my sight til at least a year old!! Ebf and just no need!!
Think carefully how you envisage the long term being if you allow time alone with your baby now- it will quickly escalate to asking for overnights before you know it. .

Remember it's your baby. Mil had had her time with her own dc. You are also entitled to your child 24/7 if you so wish. .
Having dh on the same page is helpful - tell him you expect to be backed up with mil. . Yes she is his dm blah blah and he won't want to upset her. . But you are the wife!!

Original poster
sauceyorange · 28/05/2017 12:28

Ta. Yes would help If dd took bottle but after a promising start she's really not liking it.

I guess I just feel stressed when she's with them because they're very intense, and my style is much more relaxed and calm. We just have v different parenting styles.

I'd probably feel happier about it if MIl didn't push my buttons do much by making little comments all the time - standard stuff like "oh is she not sleeping well when your do was that age blah blah blah", or "oh you still have her up in the evenings do you" (at 5 weeks). Or "you go away Saucey, giver her here. You go away and sleep! Go on! Go away!!!!" No biggie but it's constant so I'm on edge.

Maybe I do need to chill out a bit

OP posts:
Paddingtonbearscoat · 28/05/2017 12:28

Whenever you're ready. They definitely want alone time rather than to give you a break, but I think that's quite common.

I left mine from a few months old, for a couple of hours here and there while I went to the shops but usually with my own mum.

If you're coping and you don't want to leave her then don't. If you need a rest maybe they could have her downstairs for a few hours while you sleep.

Frazzledmum123 · 28/05/2017 12:29

You do what feels right for you. If you're not comfortable with it then say so, doesn't have to be aggressive but just 'thank you for the offer but I'm not ready to leave her yet'. I was like this with my first and he was probably close to 10 months before I left him. I was much more desperate relaxed with my second and I wouldn't say it's made any difference to how close they are.
If you do fancy a bit of a break though, just say they can have her at theirs for a couple of hours and you will pick her up again but you don't want them taking her out as you want her close incase she gets hungry.
I do understand why gp want alone time with their grandchildren, they probably feel more relaxed but it has to be when you are comfortable not when they want it
Maybe ywbu to stab her mind Wink

Paddingtonbearscoat · 28/05/2017 12:30

No it's not you, your mil sounds a pita.

HearTheThunderRoar · 28/05/2017 12:32

I went back to work (full time, not through choice) when DD was 3 months old, my mum was looking after her.

Tbh, I don't think I would have coped if it was anyone else minding her at that age, she went into the Creche at 6 months.

Stand your ground OP.

Original poster
sauceyorange · 28/05/2017 12:33

I think I feel a bit ashamed of not needing a break. I can tell they think I'm being overprotective or something. Maybe I am! But it makes me cross to think they think that....I should probably just get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sauceyorange · 28/05/2017 12:34

Thanks for the support and POVs all

OP posts:
peppatax · 28/05/2017 12:34

Would you be okay with it if it was your parents or is it because they're your in laws?

Youvegotafriendinme · 28/05/2017 12:34

I left DS with IL when he was about 10 weeks old. Me and DH was supposed to catch a movie and have a meal. After an hour I had to come home as I just wasn't comfortable not wing with him. I knew it was too early- for both of us. He is now 6mo and I still wouldn't feel comfortable. They don't know the difference in his cries or how to comfort him. But saying that, they don't ever offer to have him, don't see him unless we go over to them and that makes me sad pisses me off

Trifleorbust · 28/05/2017 12:36

You're not being over anything. Your MIL is crossing your boundaries by telling you to go away from your baby. If you don't want a break from her don't have one. Just say firmly, "No thank you, but we'd love that when she's a bit bigger."

Original poster
sauceyorange · 28/05/2017 12:36

I think it's just them sadly, which makes me feel terrible. They are just so full on. Other people have looked after dd for an hour or so which has been ok. I just want to try and defuse things before it gets out of hand and dd notices

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 28/05/2017 12:37

peppatax

Why do you wonder that, out of interest?

Original poster
sauceyorange · 28/05/2017 12:40

Fwiw peppa they've seen her about every week or so and my parents only twice

OP posts:
peppatax · 28/05/2017 12:40

Trifleorbust just interested really, a lot of these threads are very much directed at ILs and not at own parents and I wondered if it made a difference to who they were rather than what they were doing (which is pushy IMO). Perhaps OP's ILs feel pushed out and are just concerned they won't get the same closeness with DGC, I don't know.

Purplepixiedust · 28/05/2017 12:40

Don't feel obliged to leave your baby with anyone until your are ready. I wouldn't have left mine at 15 weeks. He wasn't left with anyone (me or DH were always there) until he went to nursery and I went back to work part time so at about 11 months. We visited parents so they could spend time with him but neither were in great health and there was no need to leave him. My mum didn't leave me as a baby so wouldn't have expected anything different.

Paddingtonbearscoat · 28/05/2017 12:41

Tbh I was less comfortable with my in laws looking after mine. They just seemed to always do the opposite of what we'd asked.

Trifleorbust · 28/05/2017 12:44

peppatax

That is absolutely natural, though. I like my in-laws, but I have known my own parents for thirty-odd years and I am far more comfortable with them. I get that many GPs see it as a contest but it really isn't - it's about whether I as my baby's primary carer feel comfortable or not. If my DH is doing the looking after, he can choose to leave her with his parents if he wants. I wouldn't expect him to be as comfortable leaving her with mine.

Original poster
sauceyorange · 28/05/2017 12:45

I don't think that it's that they're in laws per se. Other than they then have expectations. Lots of family friends have been around and so on but I don't feel they would a. Snatch dd or b. Make snide comments or more importantly c. Expect and state that they wanted alone time with her

Ta for support all. Making me feel less U

OP posts:
peppatax · 28/05/2017 12:51

If my DH is doing the looking after, he can choose to leave her with his parents if he wants. I wouldn't expect him to be as comfortable leaving her with mine.

Would your parents have a problem with this though? I think this is a wider issue regarding family dynamics hence why the MIL/DIL relationship can be such a minefield.

I also think that it's not up to one person to decide what is best for baby, so what a DH would do is irrelevant because if you weren't comfortable with what he was deciding then I am sure most people would speak up!

Just intrigued really as I had PIL that were so worried about offending me there was no issue with crossing boundaries and I was happy to leave DD with them (when interestingly their own DD wasn't!)

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