More WWYD- when to leave DC with others

[sauceyorange]

Looking for your experiences please. DC is now 15 weeks, ebf and sleeping like a baby (i.e. About 3-4 hours at a time). The ILs are constantly on about wanting to take her out so I "get a break". Now, I'm pretty sleep deprived so probably being over sensitive, but they suggested this for the first time when she was 10 days old - for the day! Which is bonkers. And I don't really want a break, it's just stressful and in any case 3 hours tops between feeds limits time available. Maybe this early suggestion made me hyper aware, but I do feel under a LOT of pressure. They clearly love her but what they really want is time with her but without me. This is irritating. However, I know that I really want dc to have a good relationship with her GPS. Should I let them take her out? When did other people do it? And, as this is AIBU, wibu to stab MIL with a fork next time she snatches my baby off me? (Jk obvs)

beanzmeanzheinz

Oh I understand that, of course.

They clearly love her but what they really want is time with her but without me.

I find this kind of grandparent weird, in fact almost creepy. Be firm and set out what you're happy with. Your baby is still very little and it's fine to say no thanks politely or to say could you look after her here while I kip upstair

*upstairs

Couldn't read and run OP. What a horrible situation to be in. It's still very early days, you are likely to still be very hormonal and of course sleep deprived, so it's not fair to try and guilt you into it. DD is EBF, so they cannot expect to have her all day, and at such a young age DD needs to be with her nursing DM. You don't need to feel pressured at all, just stand your ground and say no. There's no reason for them to have her without you present. If seeing DD with you around isn't good enough, don't feel like you need to make alternative arrangements that you're not yet ready for.

My DS is 2.5, and hasn't sleep overnight at anyone else's home. He has spent a few hours maybe 10 times with my DM and Dsis, but that didn't begin until he was about a year old. Me and MIL have different approaches to parenting, and she doesn't respect me as a mum, so there's no chance I'd trust her with my DS.

she was very supportive during pregnancy and made it clear they would offer a lot of help but that we could and should feel able to say no at any point. Which is why it's so disarming that it's now clearly not ok so say no.

Is it possible that they're taking it badly because all they're hearing is no?

Yes it is your right to choose when and how you're ready for your DC to be left alone with other people, but if your in-laws are desperate for some time with the baby, without feeling like they are being watched at every second and being scared to do anything wrong and keep offering to take the baby out for a walk or something and you keep shutting them down, they might be starting to take it personally.

I know when my brother and his partner had their first DS, they were always saying they were tired, sleep deprived and stressed with all the new routines and getting used to having a baby etc and if anyone said "Oh, if you need a hand so you can have a nap/take a bath/get some errands run etc I' off this week so just call me" they would always respond with "Oh yes, I'll definitely give you a ring to go for a walk one of the days" ... but if any of us offered to take my DN out of the house for a few hours, SiL would refuse but constantly bring up how stressed/tired she was. People eventually stopped asking to take DN out because they always got turned down and we would always arrange to do family visits instead, but now SiL wonders why the rest of the cousins are closer to each other than to her DN.

mel that's a fair question. I expect MiL does feel like that, and she certainly does take everything personally. FiL says how god I am at handing the baby over though so... I don't think it's me.

They've been up loads and we've been to stay there. MiL was so insistent o leave that I went into another room for an hour but all I could hear was her doing stupid baby talk and dd squeaking and starting to cry. She didn't bring her through though.... then later accused me of waking up dd. It's that kind of thing which ticks me off.

I don't really want a break, is the thing. I'm fine! And I nap much better with dd than without as she can sleep on my chest for now, and I know I'll be able to feed her as soon as she gets hungry. I think they don't really want to hear that though as it means they can't help.

just* thank you for lovely message. I have been feeling a bit embattled!

mini* I find it a bit weird and creepy too. Why would anyone want to hold someone else's crying baby or change their nappies! But I want sure if it was me being over sensitive. Ta

MiL was so insistent o leave that I went into another room for an hour but all I could hear was her doing stupid baby talk and dd squeaking and starting to cry. She didn't bring her through though

Baby talk isn't stupid! High pitched sounds, words and musical sing song voice has been proven to be very advantageous to a baby's development. DD squeaking and starting to cry are also entirely normal for a young baby.

So you are cross with your MIL for talking to your baby and not falling apart and rushing her back to you when she cries? Of course that's unreasonable at all......

I would be upset if someone had my crying baby and didn't immediately give them back to me. It would also lead to reluctance to pass them baby next time.

Of course people are more or less comfortable with their babies crying. But trust me nokids you would have found the sound my MiL making just as irritating!

Anyway it's beside the point. I'm annoyed. But I think thinking it over and seeking your responses has made me think I just need to have a reasonable conversation with them about it not quite being time yet. And I'll get DH to have a word about the more egregious crap. Sorry to drop feed because I was trying to just get an idea about leaving kids and not rant, but the very first time we saw them after birth (I was lucky and it was a fairly positive experience all things considered) and I said I'd not had time for pain relief so did the whole thing on paracetamol, my MiL told me I was being nauseatingly insufferable, with a haha YOU! Type face. I was not, and am still not, in the mood for that kind of "joke"

Enough of the MiL bashing anyway. Thanks all for your POV and responses

Dc1 - stayed with my folks for 2 hours at about 2 or 3 weeks old. Stayed overnight at maybe 6mo once. Had the odd evening at ours babysat by DM or Mil within her first year. Stayed overnight with mil at about 23mo.

Dc2 - stayed with dm on their own at about 4mo for the afternoon, odd bit of evening babysitting at ours by dm, mil, sister. Had to leave him with a friend at 4mo for my Nannas funeral (mil working). Stayed at dms overnight at about 1, mils at about 2.5.

I Find this kind of thing very odd. Why do they need time with the baby without you?! Fundamentally don't get why you would need to take newborn away from its mother. I would stand your ground and tell mil that she is making you uncomfortable. Fwiw I think your mama bear instincts come roaring out with your first. I couldn't bear anyone taking dd and they all knew better than to ask to take her out (!) now I have three and my inlaws must think I've had a personality transplant as I practically throw the youngest at them the second they arrive

3 days old. I was in SCBU and due to severe jaundice wasn't allowed out of his incubator, the nurses suggested I go home for a good sleep (and a glass of wine).

After that he would have been about 2/2.5 months old when we went away for a night for a business booze up.

He's now 2.8years and we're leaving him for 3 nights to go abroad, I've slightly more trepidation this time as his far more cognitive, but luckily is a pretty easy going chap who will love being with relatives (at our house).

It's entirely when you feel comfortable. Breastfeeding does change things, can be less predictable. However remember that babies become toddlers!!! And I am very precious with my babies and don't like to leave them at all till they are 9-12 months BUT I l'm very very happy for my energetic chatty toddlers to go with Grandparents! So while you might need to stand your ground at the moment try to do so nicely as in the future your children might enjoy seeing their grandparents and you feel happy they will be okay. FWIW in order to build a relationship with Grandparents I think that comes more when a child is talking so age 2-3 plus.

Also, once your kids can talk they will tell you or the Grandparents if they are not happy with the situational everything is a lot clearer. And although you might have difference in child rearing with your ILs the differences can sometimes be greater with babies and less as children are bigger.

Haven't rtf the but I've just had my 7 week old gs for an overnight then one evening and another overnight in a few weeks when he will b 12 weeks. He is ff though!
This is fairly common amongst my friends/ family. But I understand it is considered unusual and quite young by some people.
Don't be pushed into anything you are not comfortable with. If you are not 100% at ease with it there is little point as you will not relax so counter productive really!
I think you should only leave your small baby if you are happily skipping off with a spring in your step, not checking your fone every 5 mins and counting the hours till you can go home, that's no fun
just tell them he won't take a bottle so they can have him in small doses, that is if you are happy with that. Keep them sweet though you might want them in the future!