More WWYD- when to leave DC with others

[sauceyorange]

Looking for your experiences please. DC is now 15 weeks, ebf and sleeping like a baby (i.e. About 3-4 hours at a time). The ILs are constantly on about wanting to take her out so I "get a break". Now, I'm pretty sleep deprived so probably being over sensitive, but they suggested this for the first time when she was 10 days old - for the day! Which is bonkers. And I don't really want a break, it's just stressful and in any case 3 hours tops between feeds limits time available. Maybe this early suggestion made me hyper aware, but I do feel under a LOT of pressure. They clearly love her but what they really want is time with her but without me. This is irritating. However, I know that I really want dc to have a good relationship with her GPS. Should I let them take her out? When did other people do it? And, as this is AIBU, wibu to stab MIL with a fork next time she snatches my baby off me? (Jk obvs)

My in laws were just like yours - insistent I needed a break when I hadn't asked for any help!! Anyway, DD was never left with them until my FIL started looking after her one morning a week when the was at work. MIL got her for the day/evening the day that DS was born - she was nearly 2!

Don't feel like you've got to leave your baby with them at all. I think they'll get even less time with DS because they annoyed me so much with DD - far too intense and over the top. FIL just used to sit poking DD

How did you get on with your in laws pre baby as I think that may be relevant . Fwiw my in laws have never been left alone / taken out either of our dc and they are 24 and 17 ! , yet my eldest stayed over at my mums from about 2 and both have been taken out / taken on holiday by my mum and sister from a very young age . Your baby , your decision .

peppatax

My DH would fine with my decision. I would be fine with his. But when my DD was ebf and I had the stronger bond with her, I wouldn't have left her with his parents.

MIL never and DS is 3. She's a bit too old and has numerous health complaints so she's would not be able to cope. My parents are younger and babysat when he was 1 and had him for a weekend when he was 2.

I think your mil is being very pushy. Mine was the same with dd1. She kept saying 'I want to have her on my own so that I can do what I think is best.' I told her she was upsetting me. I told her she was making me feel like I was doing it wrong and that I felt rushed into doing things before I was ready. We first left dd1 alone with her when she was almost 5 months. She had been very dismissive of dd having colic and regularly told me 'all babies cry'. Id asked for them to bring dd back at 4pm, they pushed for 6pm and I said no. They bought her back at 2pm in the end because she kept crying. They made a big fuss of there being something wrong with her and dh and I just smiled. Dd's colic didn't really stop until she was fully weaned at about 7 months. Be honest with them and say no thank you. There is nothing wrong with not being ready.

Whatsername17

I wouldn't have let her have her at all.

She kept saying 'I want to have her on my own so that I can do what I think is best.'

Same here - no way would that have been approved!!

10 wks with mil - dh gave her a lit if specific instructions (we were very routine obsessed wih the first) and God love her she followed everyone. Made me feel dine for ds to stay over once a month

floral she was very supportive during pregnancy and made it clear they would offer a lot of help but that we could and should feel able to say no at any point. Which is why it's so disarming that it's now clearly not ok so say no.

I'd say we got closer during pregnancy but probably back to a cooler and more formal relationship now. I'm a bit sad about it tbh. I think she just got massively overexcited and can't stop herself saying provocative things. Maybe.

My eldest is 5.5yrs old. And never been left alone with IL but that's due to their relationship with me, I'm not comfortable and never will be leaving my dc with them.
My DM on the other hand probably had both of mine in the first weeks for a couple of hours between feeds to give me a rest.
If you are ebf she can't have the baby for a day and she's being ridiculous to even suggest it, even if you are happy to give baby a bottle, at this age, one bottle max if you want to continue feeding, so as not to confuse things, but also for you, it won't be a rest as you will still need to pump every 2 hrs to keep supply up. (Trained bf peer supporter)

Can you shut her requests down with something like, I'm sorry but at the moment I just feel calmer and more relaxed when she is here with me. I'd only spend all my time worrying and wouldn't be able to rest, I'll let you know when I feel ready.

Then they would know that their requests are stressing you out and, of the have any tact back off a bit.

There's no need for you to feel guilty for saying no. I love my DD spending time with grandparents now she's almost two but I didn't want people taking her off me when she was little, especially bfing as I found my milk supply easily got messed up if I didn't feed on time.

To be fair to my mil (who is, on the whole, lovely) from her perspective she couldn't relax with dd because she felt like I was watching her every move. Which I was. She was my first and had volic

Posted too soon. I hated anyone else feeding mil because I felt so guilty about failing at bf and feeding and wind caused us so many issues. When she cried I wanted her back etc. Talking to her was the best thing though.

Feeding dd, not mil!

Thanks all. Sounds like it would be better to try and have a chat with Mil rather than just ignore (dh strategy) or avoid (mine). Oh dear, I hate conflict. I'm such a coward!

The time to let your DC with someone else - in laws or anyone - is when you feel comfortable with it.

With mine that's been anything from 2 weeks old to 10 months old on the first occasion.

There's no right answer to that question and the only wrong answer is "before you are ready".

I went for a 'night out' of around 3 hours when ds was 6 weeks old. My mum was staying and looked after him. Aside from that I let GPs take him for a walk for an hour or two from this age as well, it is so important to get a break. I pumped and they took a bottle of expressed breast milk with them if needed.

It has to feel right for you however, don't feel pressured. Having a break is important and wonderful!

I really don't get people who are so vehemently against in law's wanting time with the grand kids. That aren't going to harm or poison them!
Think about how much you love your dc. That's how much they love their son.
Then think about how that love will develop for any kids your dc have later in life, that's how they feel right now.
They aren't going to be around forever and are probably conscious of that so keen to build as solid a relationship as possible. Let them have the baby, let them shower him/ her with love. Unless they are crack smoking junkies, what is the problem?
They get time with the baby, the baby is well cared for and catered to you you can have a bath! Everyone wins!

beanzmeanzheinz

I don't think anyone is vehemently against that. I think it's when the GP (in law or your own parent) specifically wants you out of the way that hackles get raised. I spent the best part of a year growing that human - I am the one who gets to say when I feel comfortable being 'out of the way'! It is just alienating, I suppose.

This isn't about in laws specifically. It's about leaving dc with other people in general. It sounds like the posters who have less pressure from their relations and friends are happier to leave their kids with them. Maybe it's stupid but the more pressure I feel the less I want to leave dc with the pressure- applier, no matter who it is.

And, of course, the nicer people are to me the more inclined I am to spend time with them, especially when I'm sleep deprived.

Anyway, I don't think I'm being u to be ticked off with ils. But I wanted to see whether people thought I should suck it up or do something about it.

Exactly trifle. Our new relationship was actually inaugayrated by the never to be forgotten "tx for having OUR grandchild". Er, no, that's just a side effect of having OUR daughters

Excellent phrasing elio ta. Knew there would be some tactful people on here. Not my strong point tbf

I think I used the work vehemently in response to a pp's comment 'there is no way in hell I'd leave my dc...' or something along those lines.

Each to their own. I'm particularly laid back being in baby number 3 by this stage.

beanzmeanzheinz

I am reasonably. But as soon as someone talks about me being 'in the way' in relation to my own baby, I suddenly feel a lot less reasonable. Maybe I'm grumpy because of the grotesque sleep deprivation associated with being 'in the way' feeding my baby while their son sleeps

I let my mum take DS for a walk to the shops when he was only a week old although that was only for about 30 mins. The in laws had him overnight when he was 12 weeks old and being bottle fed so we could go to a wedding 4 hours away. Didn't leave DD overnight until she was a bit older but was breastfed a little longer than DS. Now the kids are nearly 3 and 7 months and I'm greatful of the break if either my parents or in laws offer to have them on the odd occasion. However, everybody is different and you should only do what you feel comfortable with.

Haha I get you trifle!
My anxieties currently focus on our parents and losing them.. they are all around 60 and il literally petrified that something is going to happen soon. Which is why I give them free reign with the kids.
My DGM died at 57, and I was 12. It broke my heart into pieces so I think I run on the assumption that my kids might not have long left with them, so squeeze in as much as possible!