To rant about in laws?

[6079SmithW]

A bit of background:

I am a lone parent but still on good terms with ex/ex in laws. Two DC under 7 yo. Both ex/myself work full time.

Once a week (generally) ex ILs collect DC from school and mind them until either ex or I collect them after we finish work (around 6pm). Ex and I are very grateful as it means the DC don't have to go to after school care which they don't really enjoy. ILs are very happy with the arrangement because they get time with DC (on weeks when we don't need their help they come over just to visit).

In the last month ILs have forgotten to pass on important messages from school twice. Taken DC to shops after school and left DC1's book bag there twice. Not checked DC2's bottom after they pooped so left them unclean. Left the DC unsupervised on a few occasions (one time I came home early to find DC having water fight upstairs and ILs watching tv downstairs). And generally left clothes/toys/general debris all over my house every time they've been there.

This came to a head this week when I said to DC 'how did this house get so messy?' And DC1 replied 'when you're not here the grown ups let us do what we want'.

AIBU to be totally fed up??

Sounds like your in-laws might be struggling. But given they are offering free childcare you can't really complain if they're not doing it to the standard you like. Either get alternative childcare or suck it up.

If you have to collect them why is your house messy?

I would find it weird if my in laws checked my school children bum for poo.

I wouldn't have any problem with the children being upstairs and them downstairs, they are school aged children and don't need watching all the time 2 year old DD2 is currently in the front room playing and I'm sorting the kitchen having coffee in peace

I also wouldn't be expecting them to check for poo!

Forgetting bags is annoying but your child should be starting to take some responsibility for their own stuff.

I really can't see the issues, sorry.

How old are the children? If they are school age I don't really see the issues, they need to carry their own bags, and wipe their own bums.

as a cm I wouldn't dream of checking the bum of a school aged child. Of course your inlaws wouldn't unless the child was ill.

Messy house well school age kids should be tidying their own mess so make them.

If they need constant supervision to the point you can't sit downstairs and watch TV then you need to sort that out.
Kids should be remembering their own book bags etc and you as the mum should be telling them so.

Any important messages should be on the school web site or in the home school book

So you are being unreasonable

Teach hour child to wipe properly. It is difficult for little ones but it can be learnt. No one will check at school.

Next time your kids make a big mess bollock them and make them tidy it up! You could also tell inlaws to keep more of an eye but honestly letting them play upstair is normal.

The bags thing is a minor annoyance.

Sorry OP, but I agree with the others.
If they are in school they should be ok to wipe their bum, and need to learn to be responsible for their things.
Yes, its annoying, when bags/messages get forgotten, but not the end of the world and they are helping you out...
I remember picking DC3 and Grandad up from the park once, and asking my DFIL where the buggy was? He looked at me blankly and said what buggy?

Bless his heart he had left it way back in the playground. So what, he adores DC, they adore him and mess/forgetfulness wouldn't bother me a bit!

I can see these things are irritants but YABU. School age children should be wiping their own bums. If they get told off for forgetting their book bags they might remember them themselves in future. Tell your DCs that just because their grandparents aren't being as strict as you that doesn't mean it's OK for them to be naughty or messy. You expect them to behave as well for the GP as they do for you.

If it really gets to you arrange for some paid childcare.

The children are being children, but it is your responsibility as the parent to advise them what you expect of them, the children that is, after all your inlaws are doing you a favour and if you are not satisfied then by all means send them to a child minder after school. Maybe if your children do not like this option tell them that they have to take some responsibility or this is what you will do ...... but then you must stick to it.

I'm a little surprised but as everyone (so far) agrees then I guess I must be BU

Just to clarify, the DC do do their own wiping after they poop. I just like them to be checked and wiped with wet toilet wipes so that they are absolutely clean. Possibly I'm a little OCD about this (as is ex - we bring out the worst in each other in this regard).

The other stuff, perhaps I do need to give the DC more responsibility. It's just they seem so little. Do other children really just automatically tidy without being asked/told? Also should have been clear that some mess is ILs (newspaper/magazines, mugs, food left out etc) so will put on my big girl pants and ask them to tidy up after themselves too

School communication is not great. We don't have a school/home book (my friend's DC does so I know this is a thing in other schools). The seem to never let us know anything until the last minute. Most info I get is directly from DC or a parent's Facebook group we have.

I try my very best to be organised/have everything under control (again possibly a bit OCD about this). I am just feeling so stressed out by ILs lack of discipline (last week I found out they had let the DC swap toys over the fence with neighbours - this has never happened before so DC didn't know whether it was allowed or not, but as the adult in charge why wouldn't ILs at least say 'you need to check that with mummy first'?).

Still not seeing any issues here.

If my in laws babysat in my home and left out cups etc i wouldn't give a shit, I'd just be grateful for their help tbh.

Yes your children are old enough to start taking some responsibility for their own stuff, and they are definitely too old for bum checking and wet wiping, you really need to stop this now.

Toy swapping- standard kid behaviour. They will swap back eventually but if you are bothered go round and say they need to do it now.

You really need to relax or choose paid childcare outside your home if you can't face clearing up their pots when you get in.

Yanbu in my opinion.
It shows a lack of especially for you and your home.
Stop the childcare and put them in after school club and tell them why. Tell them it's not working for you and why.

Not lack of especially lacy of respect

again possibly a bit OCD about this

Please - stop saying this.

www.ocduk.org/are-you-little-bit-ocd

What's @AlternativeTentacle said re OCD. Not on, OP.

Also if all ILs have done is left magazines, drinks and food out I wouldn't be asking them to clear up after themselves at all. They are doing you a favour, not sure they should be doing your cleaning too!

What, not what's. As in agreed with AlternativeTentacle.

They are minding your DC so that you don't have to use an after-school club. You have two choices - either live with the fact that they are a little more laissez-faire than you, or pay for them to go into wraparound care when you can set your expectations.

I don't see an issue with swapping toys over the fence and presumably they didn't either? I think you need to try and step back and have a ponder about the fact that not everybody will have the same, very specific, standards that you have - so it's entirely likely that the thought of saying 'check with Mum' didn't even occur to them. It doesn't make them irresponsible, it just means that their approach and standards are different. If you aren't happy with their way of doing things then you need to make alternative arrangements.

Oh and when they go to the loo at school, are their teachers checking their bottoms, or are they expected - as fully toilet-trained kids - to be able to get on with it? I suspect the latter; you might want to consider that as well.

I think this is just the price you pay for grandparent help! Don't ask your in law's to tidy up after themselves either! That just comes across as ungrateful. Can't take more than ten minutes for you to fix surely, which seems a price worth paying if your kids prefer this arrangement and you don't have to pay for after school childcare.

I think if you speak with them about any of this your free childcare will be gone. Still wiping at school age is not good and expecting others to is quite weird.

You really need to stop the bum wiping thing. It's totally unreasonable to expect someone else to do something that's clearly inappropriate for children that are in school.

I'm confused as to whether the dc are at your house or ILs? If it's yours then you need to start getting the dc to tidy up after themselves, perhaps get the ILs on board to chivvy them about before you get home. I don't see the need to check bottoms though, especially at 7! What age do you think is acceptable to stop?

I'm confused as to whether the dc are at your house or ILs? If it's yours then you need to start getting the dc to tidy up after themselves, perhaps get the ILs on board to chivvy them about before you get home. I don't see the need to check bottoms though, especially at 7! What age do you think is acceptable to stop?