To rant about in laws?

[6079SmithW]

A bit of background:

I am a lone parent but still on good terms with ex/ex in laws. Two DC under 7 yo. Both ex/myself work full time.

Once a week (generally) ex ILs collect DC from school and mind them until either ex or I collect them after we finish work (around 6pm). Ex and I are very grateful as it means the DC don't have to go to after school care which they don't really enjoy. ILs are very happy with the arrangement because they get time with DC (on weeks when we don't need their help they come over just to visit).

In the last month ILs have forgotten to pass on important messages from school twice. Taken DC to shops after school and left DC1's book bag there twice. Not checked DC2's bottom after they pooped so left them unclean. Left the DC unsupervised on a few occasions (one time I came home early to find DC having water fight upstairs and ILs watching tv downstairs). And generally left clothes/toys/general debris all over my house every time they've been there.

This came to a head this week when I said to DC 'how did this house get so messy?' And DC1 replied 'when you're not here the grown ups let us do what we want'.

AIBU to be totally fed up??

OP - just clear up your IL's mess yourself. They help you by doing free childcare so you can work. It will take less than a minute surely?

Also, stop with the "a little bit OCD" stuff. It is offensive and ignorant. If you really have a problem, and given your wiping of kids bums I think you might, get some help.

YABU really, there's things my MIL does when looking after my DC that annoy me but I just have to let it go. The free child care is a massive help.

Re the bum-wiping thing - you expect your ILs to check their bums? One child was 'left unclean'? POssibly because you haven't taught them to clean themselves????

Your kids are not able to clean themselves - to your standards,
keep in mind a message from school,
remember their own bookbags,
tidy their own room.

It may be a little harsh to say so, but you do realise that you are "raising" children to be adults - not merely to stay as children with everything being done for them or monitored every minute of every day.

I think your making an issue out of something that's don't really there TBH. My kids play together upstairs she's 3 he's 9 and I just tell them to tidy up.

As for the the toy swapping i would understand if the toy had been expensive and new but other than it's kids being kids.

Your first post said that ils left them unclean. Then that the child can wipe themseleves you just like to make sure they are extra clean.

I have to ask...if your child can wipe their own bum...how the hell did you know that a wet wipe wasnt used.

If you really feel using a wet wipe after going is a must. Thats your kids job. Not the ils. What do you do if they poo at school?

You are being ridiculous. And if i were your ils and you said any of this to me i would have to stop helping out. I couldn't be doing with this when i am trying to help you out.

I think your in-laws more relaxed approach is needed to balance out your OCD, showing your kids that the world doesn't end if a coffee mug is left on a table ( can you tell my Mum used to freak out about such things).

OP, please stop saying you're 'a little OCD'. OCD is a very real mental illness and not something to just be bandied about.

You are being even more ridiculous with your second post.

Do you think the teachers wet wipe your kids st school and no it's not acceptable to be doing that to your kids at 7. It's wierd. Just get them to shower or bath every day like most parents.

You should clean up ant cups inlaws and teach your kids to clean up their mess.

Mine toy swapped all the time. Completely fine unless it's a mega expensive toy.

I think it's fine they don't check school age children's bottoms! That doesn't sound like a job to delegate to others.

The rest of the stuff sounds pretty normal, houses do get messed up with people in them- plates, toys out. Always more irritating when you haven't made the mess.

If your children don't like childcare and they like to do this, I think it's all par for the course.

Do you actually have OCD or are you just a bit picky and like things done a certain way?
If its the latter then stop saying "I am a little OCD" its insulting as OCD is a MH issue that has serious impacts on a persons life.

Your DC are too old to have their mum wiped.
Ask in laws to tidy up after themselves.
Find an alternative childcare arrangement.

• bum wiped!

What happens when the kids do a poo at school?
Do the teachers check ?

Unless they have SEN there is no reason why they can't wipe themselves

This is a very positive arrangement for children/ ex/ exils / and you.
Part of handing over care is accepting that things will be a little different.
This is good as it fosters adaptability in the children.
Even if the children were with a cm or after school club or nanny some of your ways of doing things would not happen.
Your in laws are experienced child carers and may have things to teach you I don't think you can expect them to do every little thing the same as you
Try not to worry about all the little things... they sound like normal family life to me .
It is hard handing over care and brings up complicated feelings but the alternative is to be SAHM and apart from the financial/ career implications of this your DC would really miss out on what their GPS are bringing into their lives.

Ah, what I would give to be a "little bit OCD" rather than have REAL OCD which makes it impossible to live a normal life and is why I'm sitting here with raw, red hands and trying to get out of the house and stop checking things. I know it's just a saying, but still...
Anyway, sorry op, I agree with everyone else. The children need to clean their own bottoms and use wipes themselves if you insist -you need to teach them. Your in-laws shouldn't have to check school age children for poo if there are no underlying issues. If you and your ex are not happy, you need to arrange alternative childcare.

I'm assuming your kids must be approx 5 and 7?
At that age they should be able to wipe themselves and if they get a bath at night anyway that would ensure everything was properly clean.
They should easily be able to be left to play by themselves as long as there's an adult in the house.
If it's your kids making a mess in your house then it's not for your in laws to clean up. If it's your in laws making an unreasonable mess (unlikely with adults) then that might annoy me but not enough to say anything given they're doing you a favour.
Why can't dc2 remember their own bookbag?
They could also pass on messages from the school if you prompt them I'm sure they'd remember.
How old are your in laws? Their memories might not be as good as it used to be.
If you're wiping your school aged kids bums and never allowing them to play in a room themselves then you're giving yourself a harder time than is necessary.

I don't see the harm in kids swapping toys with neighbours. If there's anything you really want back just knock their door and ask to swap back.

YABU.

My lovely MIL looks after my DC when DH and I work away. Ok, so she doesn't do everything the way i do things, feeds them too many biscuits and puts stuff back in the wrong place in the kitchen BUT there's no way i would tell her that.

I just smile nicely and am eternally grateful that she's able to help us out.

I think you need to make your DC take some responsibility. There's no reason they can't tidy up after themselves and make sure they're clean after using the toilet.

Just to echo everyone else. Your children are at school. During the school day they don't :have an adult check their bum, or remind them about book bags, they do it themselves. They also don't throw water at each other etc at school. They will also be expected to tidy up their stuff at school.

This isn't really an in law problem at all this is about your children not being responsible for their own actions

Without my ils picking my dc school age up two days a week and having them till I get home from work and having them two days a week in the holidays we would be screwed.
Our local holiday and after school club shut last summer so I would have to drive a fair way to get them to a holiday or school club which would cause all sorts of issues regarding work etc.
A little mess that can be cleaned up is just that. Let them be.
Are the kids coming to harm?nope.
If your finding the dc are running riot then they need teaching how to be respectful of grandparents and not the grandparents.
I will be eternally grateful to my ils as we wouldn't have holidays or a nice house or the standard of living we have if we had to pay childcare out.

Yadbu

OP. Why don't you start a notebook with the inlaws or a folder or box to put all school stuff in?

Thanks for all the replies

Firstly apologies to all those I offended by saying 'a little bit OCD'. I do have OCD, (as does ex though he is more severely affected than me). I suppose because I live with it every day I sometimes find it hard to judge what/when I'm being OCD about and what's reasonable (i.e. also done by other people who are not sufferers). So when I was saying 'possibly a little bit OCD' it was meant as an acknowledgement that it may be my issue/behaviour that was the problem rather than as a flippant comment. I appreciate I should have been clearer, and perhaps phrased as 'possibly OCD'.

From the response regarding bottom wiping I can see that really is my OCD being an issue and needs to stop. The dc can wipe themselves to what I guess most people would consider clean. I worry a lot about germs etc (tbh I am the same with my own bum as I am with theirs and I definitely learned to wipe). I will try to be more relaxed. I'm sure the dc will welcome it, they often complain when I insist I check them.

Thanks again for all your responses, especially those with helpful suggestions and ideas. I shall try to be more relaxed in future.

I understand the compulsion. I used to have to check the hob is off and fridge is shut before I can leave the house - to the point where I have turned round and driven back if I've convinced myself that I didn't check properly.

I still have to check, but I have managed to get myself down to a single check - rather than going back 2 or 3 times. The few times that DH has checked I have managed not to double check myself - which is progress because before I couldn't take his word for it. So I get the compulsion - but honestly life will be so much easier and enjoyable if you can conquer the obsession.

Thanks Paul

Is it bad that I'm really enjoying the fact that the OCD police have jumped down the throat of someone who does, in fact, have OCD?

(Disclaimer: I am 'a little bit OCD'. As in, fighting - fairly successfully - against compulsive thoughts and behaviours but not always winning. Driving back from halfway along my journey to check I locked the front door is a very regular feature of my days out. I'd usually be scared to mention it on here as I don't have a diagnosis).

OP, I'm afraid mostly YABU.