To rant about in laws?

[6079SmithW]

A bit of background:

I am a lone parent but still on good terms with ex/ex in laws. Two DC under 7 yo. Both ex/myself work full time.

Once a week (generally) ex ILs collect DC from school and mind them until either ex or I collect them after we finish work (around 6pm). Ex and I are very grateful as it means the DC don't have to go to after school care which they don't really enjoy. ILs are very happy with the arrangement because they get time with DC (on weeks when we don't need their help they come over just to visit).

In the last month ILs have forgotten to pass on important messages from school twice. Taken DC to shops after school and left DC1's book bag there twice. Not checked DC2's bottom after they pooped so left them unclean. Left the DC unsupervised on a few occasions (one time I came home early to find DC having water fight upstairs and ILs watching tv downstairs). And generally left clothes/toys/general debris all over my house every time they've been there.

This came to a head this week when I said to DC 'how did this house get so messy?' And DC1 replied 'when you're not here the grown ups let us do what we want'.

AIBU to be totally fed up??

Thanks Anathema

I did try to word my post carefully "again possibly a bit OCD about this" as an acknowledgement of the OCD.

I accept that perhaps it wasn't clear, and that people are fed up of the term being used inappropriately. However, I did expect a little more understanding considering it is a "real MH condition".

It wouldn't have hurt for pp to give me a chance to answer whether or not I had the condition before some of the more critical comments were made. I'll know better next time.

I didn't think you were entirely unreasonable in your OP. Neither my DPs or my ILs would have stood for mess or disruptive play from my DC such as an indoor water fight- and I'd be cross to come home to that too, and would think yes, the DC should have known better but the adults should have been more aware of what was happening. In my house a water fight would have involved a lot of shrieking so would have been quite obvious they weren't just playing nicely upstairs.

The bum checking is odd, and I'm glad you agree you'll stop this, as it will veer into inappropriate very soon. Your XH will need to stop too.

I don't think there's anything wrong in saying to your XILs when something has created a problem for you - so saying you'd prefer they didn't swap toys, or please could you remind the DC to tidy up after themselves as they're getting lazy and creating you extra work when you get home tired (and hope they take the hint about tidying after themselves.)

It doesn't have to be a big confrontation or roll over & suck it all up because of the childcare- you can be friendly but still bring things up. And your DC obviously feel they can do "whatever they want" and that's not good and does need addressing by the adults in charge.

My inlaws have NEVER helped. Or even spent time alone with our children. She doesn't even know where they go to school!!!!

I do understand the frustration when you've left the house tidy and you come home and it's a state- but you just need to mention it politely. My parents (one or other) pick up and feed my children twice a week- they used to use every pot and pan in the house (despite nagging me til they were blue in the face about this when I was growing up). I explained this problem (whilst reiterating how grateful I was) and now they put the dishwasher on. They bring food and feed them- I can't complain.

UABU about the bottom wiping/book bags. And by not teaching/expecting/encouraging your children to be independent, you're making life hard for yourself and their teachers. They need to start taking responsibility and not taking it for granted that 'everyone else will think/pick up for me'.

I'm with Dianne.

I think that you are leaving a lot of responsibility to your in laws and not asking much from your own kids. A little responsibility towards their own house, bookbag and bum, should have been in place from 4yrs of age in my opinion . Every child develops differently and you as a mother know how much you can ask from them.
I think my son started setting up the table at 5 and he reads his own school emails as well as me just in case I miss or forget stuff , he reminds me of school trips etc.. he's 6 . Give them some responsibility . YABU

I know the checking compulsion OP and it's a real bitch to break. CBT is really helping myself, if you can and don't already then it could be worth looking into that.

I would start giving the children more responsibility. They probably feel quite babied or embarrassed by the checking, giving them more responsibility could help that. Maybe tell then that they can refuse the checking, that it's their body and right to do so. That you check them because of your own worries, not anything they need to worry over.

Your ex also needs to be on board and do this too. If he isn't then teaching dc that they can say no and have their bodies respected should help.