Disagreeing with Dh over part time

[WifeofUthred]

Don't want to make it too boring a long, but some background. Dh and I both work full time, we have 2 dc- 5 and 7. I've Ben in my job about 2 years, before that I was a teacher for a long time and left due to stress, workload etc. I was part time when I left teaching, although had been full time. I commute an hour each way.

I have a long term mental health condition that I manage pretty well with medication. But although I was fine when I started my current role, I'm exhausted. I have periods when I struggle. I have a couple of weeks off for mental health in the 2 yrs. There's recently been a change of management and work is a lot more stressful. Not so much the work, but the environment. We are heavily monitored, docked pay for lateness beyond our control (accident/cancelled train), lots of changes to policy without consultation (sickness absence, carer's leave etc)

I did lots of calculations with money and talked to Dh about part time. Obviously we would be worse off, but would offset some of it with savings in childcare, travel etc. For me it is also that the kids are exhausted a lot, I feel like they'd benefit from being picked up from school at least once a week.

Dh initially agreed, but has now backtracked. His argument is that it will scupper chances of me progressing (true), and money. We have struggled financially for a long time. We are finally in a place where we aren't living pay check to pay check, we never go in overdraft and are actually going on holiday this year (just UK cottage). I get it. But I'm so bloody tired.

He grew up poor and has always worried about money. He wants to be in a place where we are OK financially. But I just don't know if I can keep doing it. Aibu?

This is such a hard one I don't think I have any advice really
How tight would things be if you were PT?

I think I would find it hard to be on board with you going back to part time in those circumstances too, tbh.

Is there anything else you can do to support your MH first? Meditation, CBT, go back to the GP?

Your employer sounds awful - could you look for another job? Ideally something less stressful with a shorter commute? You might find that less exhausting even if it's still full time.

I can see his point of view and it's very valid.

You could look for a new job with a better employer or is paid at a higher rate that may give you a few less hours without losing money.

I think you should look for another job as well. I totally get your Dp's point

I think you need to look for another job closer to home, which is less stressful. And do some tutoring perhaps as this sounds like a great idea. I understand your dh wants financial security but it shouldn't be at the expense of everyone else, which seems like it is right now. Your mental health is more important than money moreover it will impact far on the children than not being able to afford all of the finer things in life.

I think you need to look for a new job. Your partners fearbof being poor when he grew up so are as valid as your stresses. Can you tell us what industry you currently work in? Maybe we could suggest other routes for you to take?

I'm always surprised when colleagues move on to roles I'd never heard of or considered and it's definitely opened my eyes to the prospect of branching out job wise

I think your partner is right, but your current job is also unsustainable. You need to look for a job closer to home, and if home doesn't have any employment available nearby, you might need to consider whether where you live is compatible with a healthy lifestyle for you as a family, and move to a place where both of you can have a nice short commute and fulfilling, happy careers.

I'd also agree with looking for a new job - ideally one closer to home as the shorter commute will of itself be of benefit to you and the DC.

Supply teaching? I know full time permanent teaching was too stressful but would you consider supply?

I hear you as am in a similar situation myself. Suggest continuing to do all you can to look after your health, eg eating veg, sleep, any self care approaches you find work for you.

Are there any more local jobs with prospects; or others requiring a commute but with good prospects?

Do you fully share parenting and domestic work? We do, and have a cleaner, which is amazing.

Does DH have any flexibility, eg to finish early once a week to collect DC?

I honestly don't mean to be rude, but work is never barrels of fun for anyone. We all get exhausted and fed up and sick to the back teeth of the daily grind.

But you seem to be proposing you give up work entirely while your Husband has to stay full time to support you all; even though you are only recently financially stable - and that sounds a little precarious as well?

There is a wealth of options between a shit job with a long commute and crap T&Cs; and not working at all. He also has a point regarding your own career progression too.

I agree with him. It will be a strain on your family and limit your future earnings/pension. Can you try to find another job more local to you?

I think if this were me I'd start with looking for a different job. Then see how things are after that.

It sounds like your current workplace is half the problem. Anywhere that treats staff like that is an unhealthy environment. Trust me I've been there - and swiftly left. Life's too short for that shit.

Something else closer to home will knock 2 hours off your day

would the management be worse if you were part time? i have recently decreased a day and am so busy with messages left for me, it feels quite unfair.
perhaps you just need a long weekend op - a weekend away to recharge?

She's proposing part time shotsfired.

I agree with him, too. I think you need to find another job.

I think droppping 1 day probably won't have the dramatic impact on your finances DH is suggesting.

But also agree that a job in a nicer enviroaet, closer to home might work out better too.

Honestly if you think you're at breaking point and it's affecting your MH something has to give.

Good luck!

I would see if there is anything you can do to top up your income in the hours you aren't working, tutuoring is a great idea, less stressful and well paid and can be at your own house.

Is it possible to do a four day week? It would increase income but give you some extra time?

Do you have the option to retrain or get a job closer to home, reducing that commute could help a lot?

I'm surprised at the responses here tbh, my husband would agree like a shot. As I have for him in the past. As long as the bills get paid your mental health and wellbeing (either of you) is the most important. The OP isn't proposing stopping work, just dropping to part time, something parents up and down the country do.

With a little breathing space you could look for something better OP

ShotsFired Try reading the OP!!

You don't say what your health condition is. But nothing is worth jeopardising your mental health. But it's not just about mental health, if you're frequently exhausted, your physical health could be affected too.

I'm surprised by the lack of support you're getting on here. Well actually I'm not it's AIBU after all, this would have been better to be posted in Relationships. You're not likely to get much understanding of mental illness on here.

Teaching is a very stressful job and you may not find a post elsewhere less stressful, and you'd have the stress of starting over and finding your feet.

If you have a breakdown you may be out of work completely for some time, and may never be able to go back.

It may be that teaching is not a good fit for your mental health.

I understand your husband's concerns about money, but if you go part time, you may find you're able to take on other less stressful work to supplement your income, or find a new line of work altogether. Obviously you will be slightly worse off financially, but as you say some of that will be offset by reduction in travel and childcare, and you may find the whole family benefits if you're less tired and stressed.

Ultimately, you have to do what's right for your health. Without that you have absolutely nothing.

OP, I think the way to present this to your husband is that you know you're struggling, it will be a lot worse for your finances if you push things too far and end up unable to work at all. It's just good self-care.

If it was a physical health problem, I think he'd be quicker to recognise that you just can't keep pushing it when your health is affected.

Longer term, I agree with PP it makes sense to explore different forms of working - either a different, more supportive employer, working for yourself, or a shorter commute. You need something sustainable. I work very long hours in my own business, but also have serious health issues - if I had to commute a long way or hold down a regular job, I'd have been sacked 20 times over by now, because my health just isn't that great. The way I work means I can manage my health and still earn a decent income.