Disagreeing with Dh over part time

[WifeofUthred]

Don't want to make it too boring a long, but some background. Dh and I both work full time, we have 2 dc- 5 and 7. I've Ben in my job about 2 years, before that I was a teacher for a long time and left due to stress, workload etc. I was part time when I left teaching, although had been full time. I commute an hour each way.

I have a long term mental health condition that I manage pretty well with medication. But although I was fine when I started my current role, I'm exhausted. I have periods when I struggle. I have a couple of weeks off for mental health in the 2 yrs. There's recently been a change of management and work is a lot more stressful. Not so much the work, but the environment. We are heavily monitored, docked pay for lateness beyond our control (accident/cancelled train), lots of changes to policy without consultation (sickness absence, carer's leave etc)

I did lots of calculations with money and talked to Dh about part time. Obviously we would be worse off, but would offset some of it with savings in childcare, travel etc. For me it is also that the kids are exhausted a lot, I feel like they'd benefit from being picked up from school at least once a week.

Dh initially agreed, but has now backtracked. His argument is that it will scupper chances of me progressing (true), and money. We have struggled financially for a long time. We are finally in a place where we aren't living pay check to pay check, we never go in overdraft and are actually going on holiday this year (just UK cottage). I get it. But I'm so bloody tired.

He grew up poor and has always worried about money. He wants to be in a place where we are OK financially. But I just don't know if I can keep doing it. Aibu?

What about his mental health? What about his stress levels becoming the chief earner? Tutoring is all well and good, but it's not a steady income.

It makes sense to go part time or find a less stressful role closer to home.

What would your month to month financial situation be if you made the change? Are there ways to economise. Personally I'd rather live modestly and have good mental health, then have extras and be on the edge of a breakdown

Look for a new job, your current situation sounds ghastly.

He would probably have better quality of life day to day life if you were taking charge of the house part time. But less cash to fritter

Why would going part time scupper progression exactly? I work 4 days and it hasn't hampered me.

Can you do half days instead? So work 4 days over 5? (So do 3 full days and 2 half days)

What about him? Could he cut down his hours to 4 days or do early starts, early finishes to pick up some slack?

What about looking for a new job?

I know any number of teachers who are leaving the profession, or becoming supply teachers etc.

Have you run your figures through www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/

I work part time, and once I've salary sacrificed for child care, paid my pension, etc there isn't as much difference as you might think in working full time.

I think you should look after yourself first and foremost. I'm in a similar position. MH problems and really struggle sometimes. I'm also a teacher. I reduced my hours to 4 days and am looking to go down to 3 days. I work to live I don't live to work. Im not interested in the greasy pole of promotion and my health and happiness is what matters. I think you cut your cloth accordingly and if as a family you can accommodate your reduction in hours you should go for it. I hope you manage to sort it out. X

I think OP has already left teaching.

There is evidence that working PT can often limit career progression, and this has certainly been my experience.

She's talking part time, not leaving altogether.

Nancy
Actually I think quite a few people have been sympathetic and understanding.
Plus she said in her OP that she used to be a teacher but isn't any more.

Reading your post, my concern is that going part time wouldn't actually address the issues you are struggling with. It sounds like a very difficult environment and a 1 hr commite is exhausting, and I don't think part time hours would make either of those any better. Have you considered alternative options like a new job?

I do, however, think protecting your mental health should be the absolute priority, and your DH should also feel this way. Have you explicitly spelt it out for him and told him how much you are struggling?

Other posters have suggested some good ideas for how ypu might supplement your income. Have your DH and you discussed how you might manage some of these instead?

expatinscotland - you really need to check your assumptions. You don't need to damage your health and well-being in a crappy job in order to earn a decent income. Amazingly, you can even look after your own health and well-being properly and still be the 'chief earner'. There are loads of possible solutions in this situation, most of which don't involve the OP exhausting herself in a horrible work environment.

I too am surprised by some of the replies here.

Lots of replies are saying "tough it out" but staying in a job one dislikes and that saps one's mental health is not a good way to live. Yes, many people have to do jobs they don't like much but that's not the same as a job that makes one's mental health worse or stops one recovering from mental ill health.

Unless the family really is teetering on the financial brink, asking OP to keep working full time at the price of her wellbeing and mental health is too big an ask. OP's partner worries about money, but are these fears rational or a hangover from a difficult childhood? Unless there's real substance to these worries, I think OP needs to look for another job but, if she can't find one, talk to her partner again about reducing her hours.

How long is your emergency fund? As in, how long could you survive on savings paying the bills and food if both of you lost your jobs tomorrow? You need to have at least 6 months saved up because trust me the stress you're feeling now will seem like nothing if DP is made redundant, can't find a job quickly and your house is repossessed / landlord kicks you out. THAT will certainly not help your mental health.

I agree with PPs about tutoring privately but I suggest you start right now and put all that money in your emergency fund. You could even tutor 2 or 3 kids at the same time to maximise your income and time.

Alongside this, review your outgoings and see where you can cut back e.g. less meat, more lentils.

See what you have in the house to sell to raise funds.

Look for another job away from the toxic environment, and when you leave tell them exactly why you're leaving (shit pay, top-down management, stressful environment).

You can't go part-time in those circumstances. And being picked up from school 1 day a week will not significantly affect the DC's "exhaustion", assuming that they don't have physical disabilities.
You need to find a new job though.

In short: you both need to diversify your income.

'you really need to check your assumptions. You don't need to damage your health and well-being in a crappy job in order to earn a decent income. Amazingly, you can even look after your own health and well-being properly and still be the 'chief earner'. There are loads of possible solutions in this situation, most of which don't involve the OP exhausting herself in a horrible work environment.'

What assumption? She said her DH is terrified of being poor having grown up that way. And she can also look after her health and well-being whilst looking for another FT job. If there 'loads of possible solutions' why is the OP only seeing one, herself going PT?

I think the point about your emergency fund is a good one.

What field are you working in now? Can you start looking for another job in that field? Most of your problems that you identify in your OP seem to be related to the conditions in your current workplace, rather than the nature of the work itself, so it might be that a full-time position in a different workplace, closer to home, would be manageable.

I teach part-time but in an independent school which I find much less stressful in terms of the bureaucracy/paperwork that's expected. I also top up my salary with examining twice a year. Is that something you could do?

I agree with what others are saying about protecting your mental health, but I think you need to also be aware of the increased burden on your DH if you do go part-time.

I think that your mental health, and the fact that your children are exhausted, are very good reasons to change the current situation. What I don't think will be helpful is if you just reduce hours where you are now, as it's the workplace itself is what's causing the stress, plus there's an hours commute. Agree with pp regarding potential for tutoring in your local area. Have you looked into your entitlement to tax credits and/or ESA based on you leaving work due to mental health problems? I understand your DHs perspective to a certain degree, but I don't think career breaks, and/or time off to care for children are some kind of career destroyer! Maybe another thing to think about is what your income would be without you working there, x your outgoings down to the penny, and see if actually it may not hit you as hard as you think leaving this job. I've had friends that until writing it all down on paper, have thought that a career break/maternity leave etc would be impossible. Once you factor in childcare, travel, having time to cook from scratch and all of that, you're not much worse off. Do prioritise your mental health OP.

Ironically I work for a trade union, a teaching one, the biggest one. I am looking for other work, closer to home. We have also been told we are moving buildings, slightly further away, again no consultation.

I do get his point and do agree with him. I just feel utterly beaten.

Your employer sounds awful! A trade union! Do they have an HR dept you could talk to?

Sit down and do all the sums. How much difference in ££ would you going PT make?

But you can't put a price on good mental health. And it sounds as thought it would be better for your dc if you were PT as well.

Tricky.

Totally missed the bit where you said you were a teacher. YY to tutoring! Or could you register as a supply teacher and do some days that way?

It's a horrible situation to be in. You have to look at a number of options I think. If you stay with your current employer do you know if you can go part time? They sound awful and may only pay lip service to flexible working requests, so you need to see whether this is a viable option. I don't know what field you are in but are there other options with other, better employers to continue full time? As others have suggested above could you do tutoring in the evenings to make up the shortfall in income if you go part time? Can you afford a cleaner to take a bit of pressure of you both in the home? I can understand your husbands concerns - it does put more pressure on him and ultimately if you as a family are short of money that puts stress on you all which won't help your mental health.

To be clear, I am actively seeking other work. But my pay is good (about the only thing good with this job) so it is hard.

I have done salary calculator and considered all money coming in and out. I knew I was being a bit unreasonable. Like I said I just feel a bit beaten.