Disagreeing with Dh over part time

[WifeofUthred]

Don't want to make it too boring a long, but some background. Dh and I both work full time, we have 2 dc- 5 and 7. I've Ben in my job about 2 years, before that I was a teacher for a long time and left due to stress, workload etc. I was part time when I left teaching, although had been full time. I commute an hour each way.

I have a long term mental health condition that I manage pretty well with medication. But although I was fine when I started my current role, I'm exhausted. I have periods when I struggle. I have a couple of weeks off for mental health in the 2 yrs. There's recently been a change of management and work is a lot more stressful. Not so much the work, but the environment. We are heavily monitored, docked pay for lateness beyond our control (accident/cancelled train), lots of changes to policy without consultation (sickness absence, carer's leave etc)

I did lots of calculations with money and talked to Dh about part time. Obviously we would be worse off, but would offset some of it with savings in childcare, travel etc. For me it is also that the kids are exhausted a lot, I feel like they'd benefit from being picked up from school at least once a week.

Dh initially agreed, but has now backtracked. His argument is that it will scupper chances of me progressing (true), and money. We have struggled financially for a long time. We are finally in a place where we aren't living pay check to pay check, we never go in overdraft and are actually going on holiday this year (just UK cottage). I get it. But I'm so bloody tired.

He grew up poor and has always worried about money. He wants to be in a place where we are OK financially. But I just don't know if I can keep doing it. Aibu?

It is understandable that you want to decrease your hours but I wonder if it really will reduce your stress overall. The things that are causing your stress in your working environment will still be there plus you will have financial pressures. You may also find that you don't end up with much less work, just less time to do it for less money. If the financial stress increases your DH's stress that is likely to have an impact on you too. I really think that it would be better to find another job if at all possible.

Tells me all I need to know about teaching unions.

Apologies OP and MissShittyBennet - reading again even I can't see where I got the suggestion OP was planning to quit 100%!

Would a return to teaching locally be an option?

Any one of my teaching friends has left teaching within a few years due to stress and mental health.

I would be dropping down to part time and looking after yourself.

You cant look after others unless you look after number 1 first.

Once you are part time, make a plan to leave there and find a closer, better part time job more locally.

SHE'S NOT A TEACHER ANY MORE

Read the OP, people!

I've been thinking about this and I wonder whether you are in any position to take initiative and improve the culture and atmosphere? You can't be the only one suffering.

Could you lead / suggest to HR that staff are unhappy and feel under valued and not consulted and pull together a list of things the company could you to engage staff?

• Better comms: announcements, consultanttions, monthly "lunch n learn" sessions where people are free to drop in to hear about what's going on in a particular part if the business - open the floor up to people volunteering to lead a session on what their department is up to. To mix things up you could have short training sessions on e.g. project management, process mapping, writing better papers or comms etc

• Monthly staff surveys, praise and suggestions. You can get these done anonymously by external companies to measure staff engagement, happiness etc and staff can send "cheers/praise" to each other for work well done or just general supportive-ness

• Ending work 1 hour early once a month on a Friday (pay day?) and providing snacks and drinks for people to unwind and chat to each other and just get to know each other better.

I really think it's worth trying to address the toxic culture - and if HR say no way, well then you can leave knowing you at least tried.

I think in these circumstances it is reasonable for you to go part time if you are able to afford it. Your health is very important, my dh would be very supportive and understanding in this situation. I think finding a different part time job would be a good idea.

We are trying PaintingOwls we are mostly trade unionists. The main issue is the Head of HR is on board with all this- she is not a trade union person. We are pursuing union action, but often the manager will just refuse to meet with the union.

But I am going to tell them how I am feeling. My condition is Birpolar Disorder.

You're bipolar. That's tough to deal with. I don't think you are bu. Is there any chance of redundancy? I assume not as they're not moving far enough away.

I guessed bipolar. Have you ever been hospitalised? Don't feel obliged to reply, if that's invasive. Either way, I would be really concerned that if you don't take the action necessary to safeguard your health, it could escalate.

Actually I think quite a few people have been sympathetic and understanding

Wasn't criticising you personally Emma. But some replies have been less supportive than they could be.

You do need to prioritise your MH. If you get ill, so that you are unable to work at all, then that will be much more detrimental than going PT.

If I were your DP I would be worried too, about money, but ultimately I would want you healthy above all, so would urge you to do what was needed as a whole.

Can you go PT whilst you look for something closer? Is that a compromise?

Not all men want to support a woman financially, and he's perfectly within his rights not to do so. Unless you suggest that you take a smaller proportion of personal income from the joint account for your own spending? I wouldn't think it was fair if he's doing full time and you have lots of time to yourself and you still have full access to the joint account. If you want to take out, you've got to put in.

^ harsh but not true! Totally disagree

Harshbuttrue I don't think that's very understanding. Are you saying everyone should work full time no matter what their health issues are? What if someone genuinely isn't able to work?

Can he take on extra housework and childcare stuff (i.e. do more than the 50% he should be doing now) to relieve some of the burden on you?

Rather than you decreasing paid work.

Thanks. You are right, it is the workplace which isn't going to improve by going part time.

Still rather surprised at how many people see a relationship as a financial transaction and "fairness" as being a 50/50 split. Sometime it is but sometimes it isn't, especially when one partner's health and wellbeing is at risk.

I would go part time now. How much worse would your financial situation be if your mental health deteriorated and you couldnt work? If going part time is the solution to stop that, then its the right choice.