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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not know what to do with this situation?

76 replies

Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 15:29

My 14 year old son ordered a top from the internet on behalf of another friend who didn't have paypal. The top came and he gave it to the friend who said he would pay him on Sat. Yesterday another so called friend texted my son to say he had taken the top from the first friend and was going to sell it. My son said not to be stupid and to give it him back. This boy said no and if he told his mum ( me) he would make his life hell and turn all his group against him. It was worth £60. What do I do? My son is angry and upset but I have told him not to rise to it all until we can think rationally about what to do.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 13/04/2017 15:31

Your son has his own PayPal?

I'd speak to the boys parents, see what they can do.

19lottie82 · 13/04/2017 15:35

speak to the boys parents

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 15:36

He has paypal as I am trying to teach him the value of money. He obviously ordered this without my knowledge and I chatted to him about not buying things on behalf of others and ask me before he buys anything. The boy just lives with his mum, his dad passed away last year and he gets away with things all the time, is a bully but on the other hand can be a lovely boy and sleeps at our house all the time. I hate the control he has over my son. If I speak to his mum, the boy will make my son's life unbearable.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 13/04/2017 15:38

Why does a known bully who has control over your son sleep at your house all the time?

Take charge, fgs Hmm

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 15:38

He sleeps at our house because when he is nice to my son, my son wants to be with him. I have tried and tried to get him to leave that friendship group but he doesn't.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 13/04/2017 15:39

But you can be friends with someone without moving them in??

SpiritedLondon · 13/04/2017 15:47

Look it is the responsibility of friend number 1 to deal with this surely not you or your son. He is the one who has had the top stolen from him. Unfortunately your son needs to be paid by this friend since the theft was nothing to do with him per se. I don't necessarily think you need to confront the thiefs parent but you might want to speak to the friends mum to discuss a strategy. A show of solidarity might be helpful perhaps.? So the message of " sorry we can't hang out until you sort it out with x " needs to be the message without directly trying to police this issue.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 15:49

My son doesn't like sleepovers in other people's houses, he likes being at home so we normally host. When this boy is nice to him, my son is at his happiest. Hoping it will die a death as he gets older but I can't choose his friends for him. It is just how to deal with this one. My son won't go into school if this boy threatens him.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 13/04/2017 15:50

It all sounds very warped and unhealthy Confused

RitzyMcFee · 13/04/2017 15:54

By having him at your house, you are approving of the friendship and how he treats your son.

I would do what Spirited said.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/04/2017 15:57

The friend your DS bought the top for and was given the top owes your DS £60, what happened beyond that isn't your job to sort out.

Speak to friend 1 and get your son's money back. Help him compose a text to bully along the lines of "it's really nothing to do with me if you've stolen friend 1's top, Friend 1 still owes me £60 and assume he's sorting out what to do about you stealing his stuff."

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 15:59

This boy controls the friendship group my son is insistent on being part of. Friend no 1 doesn't want to upset him either and won't pursue the money. I know this all sounds like I am a weak mother but I am trying my best to sort this out without my son being picked on and without the boy getting away with stealing a top. It's really delicate.

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/04/2017 16:07

But friend 1 still owes you for the top! If he's not prepared to make a fuss to get his top back, that's not your job to sort out.

Frankly, I'd be speaking to friend 1's mother and let her know the situation, that your DS ordered a top for her son who took it but hasn't paid him for it, and to complicate matters further you have been told that friend 2/bully has stolen it from friend 1, which she might want to talk to him about, but doesn't change the fact friend 1 owes your DS £60.

It's as complex as you want to make it. If I use a credit card to buy a hand bag and then lose the hand bag, I still have to pay my credit card bill, I can't just say "but I don't have the thing I bought with the money so I'm not paying you".

Whocansay · 13/04/2017 16:11

These boys are not his friends. And now they have stolen from him. If the parents' won't help, I would contact the police and let them deal with it. Stop the hand wringing and deal with this like an adult.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/04/2017 16:15

I'm assuming the £60 is your son's own money? Saved up pocket money or birthday money? I actually suspect that his friend doesn't have £60 to give him.

It sounds harsh but at his age I think your son has to write off the money. If you make a stink with the boy's mother, it will cause a lot of difficulty and embarrassment for your son.

He can learn some important lessons from this about lending money to "friends", being used and draw his own conclusions (hopefully) about what sort of friend this boy actually is.

WateryTart · 13/04/2017 16:20

The first friend owes your son the money. Up to him to sort it out with the other one.

But neither of them would get inside my house again, for sure. Put your foot down.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 16:23

This boy will not be staying at my house again. That I am sure of.

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 13/04/2017 16:25

I'd send similar to invisiblekitten, let friend 1 stand up to friend 2, it has nothing to do with your ds but friend 1 still owes your ds

Text to friend 2
"Nothing to do with me, I bought it was friend 1, he still owes me, if he let's you steal from him its not business just as its none of your business what I the my mother"

To friend 1:
"Friend 2 just text to say he has taken the top. Just to be clear I want the £60 on Saturday as agreed. Once I get my money everything else is between you two"

Iamcheeseman · 13/04/2017 16:25

I'm confused. He bought the top for friend 1? So friend 1 owes him £60. If friend 1 wants to let friend 2 steal it that's his problem, he's stealing off friend 1, not your son.
Obviously if friend 1 wants help that's fine to do but why is he threatening your son? Surely he should be threatening friend 1?
For what it's worth friend 2 wouldn't step foot in my house again if your son or friend 1 were mine!

January87 · 13/04/2017 16:25

This is not a delicate situation. This boy is not your son's friend, he is a bully and a thief.

Your son needs to stand up to him, tell him he wants the top back asap or he wants the money for it. If he gets neither, he needs to either involve this boys mother or involve the police as it is theft. I'd also involve the first boy and get him to either try to get the top back, or the money.

DPotter · 13/04/2017 16:26

If the paypal account was set up to teach your DS the value of money and you have alerted him to the 'unsuitabilty' of his current friendship group and neither of these friends will be entering your house again - your DS will be learning a valuable lesson. Harsh but there you go....

Nocabbageinmyeye · 13/04/2017 16:28

Excuse my spelling Confused

And stop letting these bullies sleep in your house too

Berthatydfil · 13/04/2017 16:29

Go to the boys house and ask him for the top.
Look him in the eye and say
Hi x you've got that firetrap top that my Jonny bought. Can i have it back we need to return it to get Jonny's money back.
Then send it back and tell your son to never do it again unless he has the cash up front.

Bully has stolen the top he is a thief and you have the text to prove it, and the threats he made. I would be going to the police about it.

KitKats28 · 13/04/2017 16:30

You need to step up and help your son sort this out. The reason he has told you is because he wants your input. He's only 14, he can't deal with this on his own.

Tenshidarkangel · 13/04/2017 16:36

I'm with @InvisibleKittenAttack Friend one owes the money. The debt doesn't move with it just because he's given/lost/ had the top stolen.