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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not know what to do with this situation?

76 replies

Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 15:29

My 14 year old son ordered a top from the internet on behalf of another friend who didn't have paypal. The top came and he gave it to the friend who said he would pay him on Sat. Yesterday another so called friend texted my son to say he had taken the top from the first friend and was going to sell it. My son said not to be stupid and to give it him back. This boy said no and if he told his mum ( me) he would make his life hell and turn all his group against him. It was worth £60. What do I do? My son is angry and upset but I have told him not to rise to it all until we can think rationally about what to do.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 13/04/2017 17:42

I can understand your son's concerns about the friendship group, but there comes a point when a line has been crossed and the adults have to step in. Stealing valuable items is one of those points. You have a responsibility to step in to address criminal behaviour. You can do that through the parents or through the police. If you do neither you are neglecting your responsibilities.

category12 · 13/04/2017 17:50

You can't have it both ways - it will be obvious to the boy that if you stop having him in the house that there's a problem. So it's not like you're avoiding any fallout, it'll still happen. I'm not sure how logically you think you can suddenly ban this boy from your home and stop sleepovers, yet say you don't want to step in.

Personally I would be looking at escalating matters and getting your son out of this situation, potentially by moving schools etc. It's really worrying that your son is regularly taking to his bed and suffering these extreme swings due to this bullying.

Gallavich · 13/04/2017 18:00

Bully hasn't stolen the top from op's ds though. He's not the victim.

thegreylady · 13/04/2017 18:15

Friend one owes your son the money. If he doesnt pay it back you need to speak to his parents. They can deal with the bully.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/04/2017 18:17

I can't honestly see the police doing anything Confused Nothing has been stolen from Op's son.

The money was essentially a loan between the two boys; a verbal agreement to pay back your son for a jumper he agreed to pay for.
It's a harsh lesson for your son but hopefully he will learn from it and distance himself from this boy now.

Mo55chop5 · 13/04/2017 18:17

I would be round at the little shits door telling him to hand it over immediately or I'm getting police involved. The second part of the conversation would be if he continues picking on my son then it's HIS life that will be "made hell"

littledinaco · 13/04/2017 20:54

I was in a similar 'friendship' to your son, the girl would choose when to be friends and come for sleepovers, etc and I would be so happy, then she would be awful to me and make me really anxious and on edge.

I think my mum hoped I would figure it out for myself but looking back I really wish she would have said that she wouldn't have someone who treats me like that in the house. I think it would have given me the confidence to either stand up to her or decide just not to be friends with her at all. I wish she had sort of led by example and showed me that she would not engage with someone who was awful to me and picked and choose when to be nice. It's like a power/control thing.

Eventually, my mum had enough of watching me be manipulated by this girl and went and spoke to the girl and her mum. I went mad at my poor mum at the time and was mortified but it was the best thing she could have done, I only wish she had done it years sooner.

Please don't let your DS continue to be treated like this.

BigGrannyPants · 13/04/2017 21:12

Phone the police, the top is your sons property until it's been paid for.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/04/2017 06:32

If someone stole £60 from me, I would go to the police. If I was on a fraction of my income (because I was 14), I'd definitely go to the police.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/04/2017 07:21

If you have really been trying to get your DS away from these horrible kids for 3 years, and if your son is genuinely hiding in bed when he doesn't get along with this bully YOU NEED TO HELP HIM.

Move him to another school. I can't imagine his social life or school work would suffer more than it already must do. If you cannot fix the situation remove your son from it.

If someone actually threatened my son there would be hell to pay. I would be involving the parents, the school AND the police. That said, I would have nipped this in the bud years ago. You've sat back and let your kid be bullied for 3 years? Because the kid is nice when he's not being a jerk? No, the kid just manipulates you sometimes, like he does your DS. If he's been consistently hurting your son for years he is just bad news and you need to get your son away from him.

The fact that you've been willing to let this go on makes me wonder how you related to your social group growing up. Did you let people walk all over you in the hope that one day you'd be in the cool gang? It's not a good idea

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/04/2017 07:22

.

SabineUndine · 14/04/2017 07:42

To put it bluntly your son is being financially abused by one friend and they are both being bullied by another friend and if you do nothing you'll be enabling it. You have to get tough.

SmileEachDay · 14/04/2017 07:57

You are allowing this bully to bully you and your son.

Your son has told you, that's a big positive. Now it's a grown up issue. So deal with it like a grown up - talk to the other child's mum. By treating it as a "delicate" issue, you are buying into the power that the bully has.

It's not delicate. It's been passed up to the grown ups to deal with.
I deal with a lot of this stuff at school - parents losing sight of their role in situations like this is massively unhelpful.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 14/04/2017 08:01

There aren't any other schools in the area. He sees these boys on a daily basis and has said he doesn't want to move schools. I would have to move out of the countryside which is untenable. I am sure people on here can offer advice without making me out to be some kind of idiot. Thankyou to those who have considered my feelings. I am thinking hard and will support and address this over the weekend if things aren't resolved and visit the other mother.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 14/04/2017 08:29

OP you're teaching your son it's ok to lie down to bullies. You're an adult...... help him!!!!

His life will be hell if you do anything? Well I've got news for you, if you let him roll over and ignore this his life will be worse as he will be seen as an easy target.

I don't want to seem horrible but get a grip and do what's right for your son, seriously I can't believe you're even thinking about this!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/04/2017 08:44

Which other mum are you going to talk to? The one who's DS borrowed the £60 or the one who took the top from that friend?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/04/2017 08:44

Just because it seems that both your DS and friend 1 might be being bullied and you and friend 1's mum might be best to deal with this together.

pilates · 14/04/2017 09:09

Op, what a horrible situation for you and son to be in. I wouldn't be surprised if friend 1 and 2 have put this together as a way of not paying for the top. Are you friendly with friend 1's mum, could you speak to her? If not, your son will have to swallow losing £60 - a horrible lesson to learn. He definitely needs to move away from his so called "friends" and make some new ones. Has he got any other friends in a different circle? It is no good being friends with the popular boys if they treat you like shit.

qazxc · 14/04/2017 09:30

I'm quite worried that your ds seems to be depending this bully for self esteem and happiness. Does he have any friends outside that group, any hobbies or sports?
Maybe he needs help with his self esteem ao that he is not so dependant on the validation of his "friend".
As for the top, I agree with previous posters that the agreement was between your ds and friend 1. Friend 1 still owes him the money.

Ceto · 14/04/2017 09:38

Have you spoken to the school about this boy and his friends?

Tardigrade001 · 14/04/2017 09:55

It's a difficult situation to be in.
I'd say that son has a week to get the money or the top from the 'friend' who asked him to buy it, and if it doesn't happen, I'll have to talk to his mum. 'Friend' 2 is irrelevant and should be ignored (I suspect that friend 1 may have asked him to send the text.)
You may have to write the money off, though.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 14/04/2017 09:59

Yes the school knows. They address me by my first name I have been in so many times. I have tried to get him to join other groups, cadets, boxing etc but he says no. I am trying to help him build up his esteem. He is a wonderful boy and very caring but I know he needs to be able to stand up for himself and to have the confidence to move away from the idiots before the important GCSE years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 14/04/2017 10:00

Yes the school knows. They address me by my first name I have been in so many times. I have tried to get him to join other groups, cadets, boxing etc but he says no. I am trying to help him build up his esteem. He is a wonderful boy and very caring but I know he needs to be able to stand up for himself and to have the confidence to move away from the idiots before the important GCSE years.

OP posts:
LobsterMac · 14/04/2017 10:33

Bigglass are you a bit intimidated by this boy, too?

pilates · 14/04/2017 11:00

I suppose until your DS acknowledges they are not true friends and makes an effort to source some new ones there isn't much you can do but be there for him ☹️

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