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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not know what to do with this situation?

76 replies

Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 15:29

My 14 year old son ordered a top from the internet on behalf of another friend who didn't have paypal. The top came and he gave it to the friend who said he would pay him on Sat. Yesterday another so called friend texted my son to say he had taken the top from the first friend and was going to sell it. My son said not to be stupid and to give it him back. This boy said no and if he told his mum ( me) he would make his life hell and turn all his group against him. It was worth £60. What do I do? My son is angry and upset but I have told him not to rise to it all until we can think rationally about what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 16:38

He gets called a mummy's boy by the boy. The boy threatens him on social media from time to time. Nobody stands up to him because when he is being nice to them they feel empowered to be in the 'popular group'. There are boys in there who are lovely but they won't break away from the trouble makers so my ds ends up staying in bed until the boy decides to like him again and then ds is never happier. It drives me crazy. If i involve his mother or the police my ds's life will be unbearable. I don't want to be the catalyst to make all this get out of hand. I think my ds will learn a lot from this. And if he loses £60 then it could be a small price to pay for keeping the peace and reassess what the term 'friend' means to him. It may make him move away from them......

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 16:39

I will ask ds to concentrate on friend 1 to get the top back for the next day.

OP posts:
Wando1986 · 13/04/2017 16:42

Why aren't you standing up to him or calling him out on shitty behaviour if your son (or his own mother) clearly wont? Do you often let children use you as a doormat?

If this happened with my kids there would be hell to pay. Their friends would be scared of pissing me off, rather than taking the piss out of my son, that's for sure.

category12 · 13/04/2017 16:43

So your ds learns a valuable lesson...?

While this boy continues to dominate and bully a group of other children while the adults turn a blind eye to it.

Stop allowing this to happen. Threats on social media etc are trackable and don't forget, children have committed suicide after online bullying. It needs to be taken seriously. You need to step up.

Wando1986 · 13/04/2017 16:43

Genuinely can't believe I'm even reading this... Angry

DJBaggySmalls · 13/04/2017 16:45

Its very possible that friends 1 and 2 are colluding, so that friend 1 wont have to pay for the top.

Annahibiscuits · 13/04/2017 16:47

Report him to the police for stealing

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 13/04/2017 16:48

Fuck that shit, if you let them get away with this you are teaching your son a shitty lesson.
Get the money back from friend 1 & teach DS the true meaning of friendship -ie it isn't what he's getting from these vile boys.

60percentbanana · 13/04/2017 16:52

What you need to consider is that these boys are 14. It's easy to swank around playing the big man and manipulating everyone when you're 14 and everyone lets you get away with it. In time though he will be 16, 18, and the things he needs to do to retain his bully image will have to escalate beyond mild threats and petty theft. Unless you stand up to him and remove him from your sons life now, your son will spend his life being involved in and taking the fall for whatever the bully gets up to in the years to come.

The happiness your son feels when he is in the bully's good books isn't real happiness, because the relationship isn't genuine. I don't think your son has a lot to lose in getting rid of him. I'd encourage him to distance himself as much as is possible.

I agree, though, that the debt is between ds and friend 1 regardless.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 13/04/2017 16:52

Call his bluff. Speak to parents of both boys.
Frankly if your DS ends up not being part of this clique, that might be a good thing

Therealjudgejudy · 13/04/2017 16:58

You are a doormat. And you are teaching your son that it's OK to let people walk all over him. Grow a backbone and set your son the example that you need to stand up to bullies.

teaandakitkat · 13/04/2017 17:02

I don't know what you should do about the top but I also have a son who is in an unhealthy friendship group and I too am trying to help him see his own way out without just banning him from seeing his 'friends'. Its tough, i sympathise.

EdSheeranswife · 13/04/2017 17:03

Stop being so wet! It's £60.00 Confused if it was my son I would be ringing both the parents to sort this out. Everyone needs to stop tip toeing around that boy. It will only get worse, if he gets away with this, what next?

Just because he lost his dad, doesn't give him an excuse to be a bully.

I'm telling you now, if you don't do anything about this, that Kid will cause even more Trouble for your son in the future.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 17:05

thankyou teaandakitkat

Just shows that you need to be in a situation to understand it.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 13/04/2017 17:08

Why haven't you attempted to steer your son clear of this group already, leaving aside the £60 thing completely?
You say your son is only happy when he's in this boy's good books, and stays in bed in despair when he isn't.
Can you not see how downright odd that is? A 14 year old having such power over your son? And you let him sleepover in your house whenever he wants to??

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 17:09

He sees this boy every day at school. He lives near him. This situation will never happen again as a) my son won't buy or lend anything to anyone again and b) the boy will not be allowed in my house again. I will see what happens over the next day or two and take a view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 13/04/2017 17:11

I have been trying to steer him away from the group for the past 3 years. He tries and ends up going back. He has to take some responsibility too, I can't baby him but I can support and talk through situations with him. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer....

OP posts:
Emphasise · 13/04/2017 17:13

He had the PayPal account to learn out money. This is a great example of never lending more than you're prepared to lose.

I'd chalk it up to experience and expect DS not to want anymore to do with either boy unless it's resolved.

Astro55 · 13/04/2017 17:15

The tea son kids bully is because they get away with it!

Would the friends mum be horrified at the situation?

I'd have a word and see what she says - either way she needs to deal with the bully and he needs to pay

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/04/2017 17:17

Friend 2 doesn't matter! That's what you are missing and letting your DS be confused - friend 1 owes your DS £60. That is all that matters. You do t need to have any words with Friend 2's mum or anything, just focus on that your DS is owed £60 by friend 1.

What has happened to the top after that isn't your concern, or your DSs.

Agree with the texts above, one to friend 2 "that's between you and friend 1" and to friend 1 "you owe me £60 regardless of what's happened to the top."

You can't go to the police with it as it's not your child that has had a top stolen. Your DS also hasn't had £60 stolen, he's lent it to someone, rather different and not paying a debt is not a police matter.

If DS can't get the £60 back from friend 1, then tell friend 1's parents that your DS is owed the money from ordering on line for him. Leave it at that.

Maverick66 · 13/04/2017 17:19

OP lots of posters telling you to grow a back bone.
I sympathise with you. It's not about having a back bone it's about extricating your son from this group without him getting harassed.

In this situation I would try to get your son to see this was an expensive mistake.
No amount of fronting up to this bully is going to help your son imo so you need to teach him confidence and how to be more self assertive - easier said than done tho.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 13/04/2017 17:25

These behaviours must be obvious within school also. What's being done there to control this unacceptable bullying. OP introduce your son to local wellbeing services ... sessions for adolescents and chat lines to gain advice. Try childline also perhaps.

Your ds needs to learn now now be more assertive and value his self worth

Lessthanaballpark · 13/04/2017 17:26

Why is everyone having a go at the OP? She's asking for advice FGS. Isn't anyone allowed to ask for advice on a tough situation without having their motives and behaviour ripped apart?

HappyFlappy · 13/04/2017 17:29

Bully has stolen the top he is a thief and you have the text to prove it, and the threats he made. I would be going to the police about it.

THIS ^

Also - I'm not sure that you or your son could insist on being paid for the top - they are both minors and can't legally enter into contact as far as I'maware. However, hopefully Friend 1's mother will make him behave in a responsible manner and either pay for the item are return tin its original state so your son can send back. But yes - go to the police and put a block on this behaviour. You won't (I assume) have either of these little toads into your house again, so I can't see that maintaining your son's friendships is a priority, though I can see why you don't want to cause unnecessary trouble for him.

Pollydonia · 13/04/2017 17:36

You ARE teaching your son to be a doormat.