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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not visit my father

73 replies

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 27/03/2017 22:43

Long one. My DP divorced nearly ten years ago. DF left my mum for the OW. DM was understandably hurt and angry. She approached and shouted at the OW more than once, who then got a restraining order against DM. DM is a gp and nearly lost her career. Lots of difficulty ensued, DM ended up quite unwell and struggled for a number of years.

Fast forward ten years, I have maintained a relationship with both of them and enjoy their company. DF lives in a lovely part of the country that is family friendly and a popular tourist destination. As yet, we have never visited them as I know it would upset my mother deeply. DH and I have 2 YO twins and a 4 month old baby. We can't cope going away with the kids and would like to enjoy a visit to DF this summer. Equally we couldn't afford to rent somewhere nearby due to the tourist premium. WWYD. DM will go nuts if we visit but I feel it is time?

Ps I should add, I'm approaching 40. I realise this post makes me sound like in a teenager.

OP posts:
Scrumptiousbears · 27/03/2017 22:51

Visit.

I had this. Same situation. Your mum needs to deal with her emotions not you. I didn't see my dad enough for fear of upsetting my mum and then he died. Sorry for being morbid but life is too short.

ThePiglet59 · 27/03/2017 22:51

Don't allow yourself to be sucked into your parent's marriage breakdown.
You will never know the full story.
If you want to visit your dad do so. Your mother sounds a little unhinged to me.

Chasingsquirrels · 27/03/2017 22:53

Please please visit.

StripeyDeckchair · 27/03/2017 22:54

I would go & see your mum and sit her down and say what you've just written. It's not fair on you for her to put their relationship failure and her subsequent problems on you. It is healthy that you have a good relationship with both of your parents and not unreasonable that you want to go & visit your father with your family.

If you feel she might get angry/shout & yell at you maybe go out for coffee as people behave better in public spaces.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 27/03/2017 22:56

Whatever happened to your parent's marriage, should not affect the relationship with your DF.

Cocopopsrule · 27/03/2017 22:59

I don't have any advice as I'm 10 years behind where you are. But I don't think you sound like a teenager. You sound like someone trying to do the right thing. Flowers

BonnyScotland · 27/03/2017 23:00

you know the consequences with if you go... if your happy and prepared for the homecoming wrath then Go ..

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 27/03/2017 23:01

Your dm shouldn't effectively be withholding your dc from having more grandparents!!

JCo24 · 27/03/2017 23:06

Super unhelpful Bonny. Hmm

Original poster
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 27/03/2017 23:12

Bonny, are you my DM!? I feel sick when I think of the wrath and the silent/anger/ill health that will follow . Then I think, I'm an adult woman and really not doing anything wrong.
My DM's problem is with me snd her grandkids spending time with evil OW, and not so much my DF, whom she is now civil to.
Piglet, she is a little unhinged tbh.

OP posts:
Cocopopsrule · 27/03/2017 23:18

Whilst you obviously can't ask your dad's partner to leave her home - could your trip coincide with when she is perhaps visiting her own family if she has any so you get 1:1 time with your dad?

greenlipstick · 27/03/2017 23:24

I opened the thread thinking you were going to say he was abusive.

It's not reasonable for your mum to expect you to stay away - that's a very sad reason not to visit. Why does she even need to know? Her feelings are her problem.

user1489677782 · 27/03/2017 23:34

I would suggest that you acknowledge to your DM that DF and the OW were in the wrong all those years ago. It looks to me like DM is still hurting from that. To call her unhinged when she is actually still very distressed is not a great idea.
There was no OW involved in my Divorce, it was more emotional abuse. I really do not like it when DD tries to minimise her F conduct.
Those are my views and may not work for others

chastenedButStillSmiling · 27/03/2017 23:37

what AnoiseAnnoysanOyster said.

Backed up (as a PP said, in a public place) with a conversation with your DM where you reassure her of your love and that you aren't picking sides.

Emphasise it's for the children.

Stand firm!

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/03/2017 23:39

I would see it as a betrayal. The ow appears to have ruined her life. I couldn't be disloyal like that.

You can have a relationship with your df. Just do it as a pp suggests when the ow is out of the picture. That way everyone is happy.

Lemond1fficult · 27/03/2017 23:54

I urge you to visit, and spend as much quality time with him as you can, as he won't be around forever. Your relationship with your dad is personal to you, and none of your mum's business.

My DPs split up when I was an adult (no OW, but my mum sure felt aggrieved). I felt I could only sneak away and 'snatch' little bits of time with my dad so as not to upset my mum.

Dad passed away this year. I'm sick at heart at all the quality time we could have spent if I'd only had the courage to build a proper, adult relationship with him.

greenlipstick · 28/03/2017 00:05

Willyoujustbequiet really? You'd selfishly prioritise your own feelings and expect your child not to see their dad?

How sad.

Justanothergame · 28/03/2017 00:07

Op I don't think you should let your mother's bitterness get in the way of your and your dc's relationship with your df.

It is very sad for her that this happened, and I understand her anger and distress, but it was ten years ago. She might not be able to stomach seeing the other woman, but she cannot demand that you feel the same and fight her battles for her. It sounds like she is using emotional blackmail to get you to fall into line. I don't take kindly to that and that would make me even more determined to put myself and my df and dc first in this situation. You are not rejecting her, you continue to have good relations with her. She cannot demand more than that, it's playing the victim to guilt you.

justkeeponsmiling · 28/03/2017 00:23

I was about 5 when my parents split up. My DF cheated on my DM with several different women, including her own sister, so overall behaved appalingly.
Maintaining a good relationship with my DF has always been difficult due to my DMs understandable hatred towards him. But I have managed - just about. It has been difficult as even now, 30+ years later, my mum will have a dig at every opportunity and openly resents any time I spend with him. I can understand her feelings, I really can. But he has always been a caring father and even though as a man he has acted despicably, as a father I love him dearly. But it has been very difficult over the years.
For that reason, when my DH left me and put me through a lot of shit over a number of years I have never tried to influence our DDs behaviour or feelings towars him. I did not want her to grow up with the guilt and worry that I grew up with, as it has been weighing me down my whole life.
Go and spend time with your DF. It is not a betrayal. He may have behaved terrible towards your DM but it is not fair to for her to make you pay for the breakdown of their relationship!

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/03/2017 00:25

Green.

Thats not what I said at all. Reread it.

StrawberryJelly00 · 28/03/2017 00:35

Sounds like a difficult situation op.
It sounds as if your DM is still holding onto alot of anger & heartache over the divorce which is understandable but not healthy.

Try not to allow her inability to let go & move on affect you and the decisions you make for your children and their relationship with their Grandfather.

I would go and spend time with your DF but only after a heart to heart with your DM. Letting her know that by spending time with him you are not condoning his past actions but you are choosing to move past them.

All the best with it Smile

greenlipstick · 28/03/2017 00:41

I did read it thanks. OP doesn't need to keep everyone happy, it's not possible.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/03/2017 00:57

Well if you did you'll see I said nothing sbout stopping a relationship with her father that you accused me of.

BonnyScotland · 28/03/2017 19:42

hahaaaa why was this unhelpful.. it was an honest reply.. OP knows her Mother is viciously opposed to the contact... will OP spend the rest of her life hiding from her DM ? No .. she will endure the wrath of her Mother after the visit.. and as long as she prepared for that... then go see your Dad.... we all know this is what will happen x

shitgibbon · 28/03/2017 19:48

Please visit your dad. If your mum has a problem with it it's her problem. What happened between him and her should be irrelevant to your relationship with him.