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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not visit my father

73 replies

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 27/03/2017 22:43

Long one. My DP divorced nearly ten years ago. DF left my mum for the OW. DM was understandably hurt and angry. She approached and shouted at the OW more than once, who then got a restraining order against DM. DM is a gp and nearly lost her career. Lots of difficulty ensued, DM ended up quite unwell and struggled for a number of years.

Fast forward ten years, I have maintained a relationship with both of them and enjoy their company. DF lives in a lovely part of the country that is family friendly and a popular tourist destination. As yet, we have never visited them as I know it would upset my mother deeply. DH and I have 2 YO twins and a 4 month old baby. We can't cope going away with the kids and would like to enjoy a visit to DF this summer. Equally we couldn't afford to rent somewhere nearby due to the tourist premium. WWYD. DM will go nuts if we visit but I feel it is time?

Ps I should add, I'm approaching 40. I realise this post makes me sound like in a teenager.

OP posts:

Taylor22 · 10/06/2017 01:25

Op you are surrounded by love and family.

If she wants to spend her time bitter and lonely let her.

Just send her a message asking her if come her end she's happy to be alone with her bitterness.

38cody · 10/06/2017 02:26

I wouldn't hurt my DM by holidaying with the OW - for the sake of a holiday?
Invite DF to visit and just be frank - without OW as it would hurt DM.
I am very loyal to my DM though - only you know how the relationship is but I'm guessing the thought of OW cuddling her DGC every morning would bring it all back and eat her up inside. I wouldn't.

fromthebreach · 10/06/2017 02:38

Could you stay in a hotel, and meet with just your father? Given the restraining order, your father might understand why you'd be reluctant to meet his second wife.

melj1213 · 10/06/2017 03:52

OP you have every right to have a relationship with both of your parents.

It is a difficult situation and it is totally understandable that your DM is going to be upset and find it difficult to ever not hate the OW, but her relationship is not your relationship and she has no right to try and manipulate you into not ever visiting your father because of his partner. It's been ten years, if she's still got such a strong reaction to the thought of you spending time with OW then she is the one with the issue not you.

Also, whilst OW did break up your parents' marriage, the fact they are still together after a decade shows that it wasn't just some fling and the relationship is still going strong. Right now your DC are still young, but what happens in another 10 years time when they never get to visit their grandad because it will upset grandma and they don't know why (or worse, she tells them why even though it's nothing to do with them)? Would she then kick off at your children because they prefer the nice OW that welcomed them on their visits and enjoyed their company than the grandma who is trying to control who they spend time with and saying horrible things about their grandad's partner?

You are entitled to spend time with your father and have your own relationship - whatever that is - with OW. I split up with my DD8's dad a few years ago, we are still on good terms and there were no third parties involved, but when he met his first girlfriend after our split, it was hard for me to deal with.

I struggled for a long time after DD had met his GF of the pictures he'd post on social media etc - they weren't even "happy family shots" but it could be a picture of a domino's takeaway with a caption of "Dinner with my favourite two girls

junebirthdaygirl · 10/06/2017 08:37

Recently my dd graduated .Two of her friends were physically sick as their two parents would be in the same room for once and they were terrified. I think that is a desperate thing to do to your dc. Op you were right to visit your df. Its a shame your dm is throwing away the best years of her life being bitter. I know the hurt is dreadful but now she is only hurting herself.

beepbeepimasheep · 10/06/2017 08:38

Go, your mother is responsible for her reaction not you.

IHateUncleJamie · 10/06/2017 08:42

How horrible, OP 💐 That does prove that your Mum has issues. It is not normal behaviour to emotionally blackmail and punish your adult child for this.

Let her stew. Whatever you do, do not run back and apologise. It will be hard not to but she will have successfully manipulated you into giving her her own way. Instead she needs to own her own feelings and get help for them if necessary. Bide your time and have as much contact with your DF as YOU want to.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 10/06/2017 09:14

God read the thread!!! It's not that long!!! And dishing out the you shouldn't go you be disloyal advice is a bit late now

Sorry your mother is being like this op. Give her time, it's probably a knee jerk reaction. Did you speak to her before you went to tell her you were going?

Antigonads · 10/06/2017 09:19

My DHs sons haven't spoken to him since he left their mother 23 years ago.

She did a very successful job of turning them against him.

I always think it would have been different if they were girls.

thatdearoctopus · 10/06/2017 09:20

Can I be a cynic and ask if you'd be wanting to visit your dad quite so much if he didn't happen to live in a tourist spot and you're too broke to afford a "proper" holiday?

thatdearoctopus · 10/06/2017 09:21

Missed your update.
I think your mum is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Siwdmae · 10/06/2017 09:33

Your parents' relationship has nothing to do with your relationship with them. Your mum is unfair to make you suffer for visiting your df. I empathise with her in that she is still hurt, but ffs, she surely realises you're entitled to a relationship with your dad?

MrsBobDylan · 10/06/2017 09:42

Your DM shouldn't have any say in your relationship with your df and his dp. Frankly, your DM sounds extremely selfish and the fact your df chose to leave her is not really a surprise.

Go and visit. Your father didn't leave you, he met someone else and left your DM. She needs to deal with that without making you suffer.

BarbarianMum · 10/06/2017 09:46

Your mum is being emotionally abusive to you. That makes me wonder what it was like to be married to her.

DawnOfTheMombie · 10/06/2017 11:55

Barbarian Totally agree.

Parental alienation is foul and vile and it doesn't matter how old the "child" is. My mother did it to me with my father and the result is I have been NC with her for 14 years and she does not know my DC.

I would never do to my DC what my mother did to me. My DC don't know that their father left me for someone else. Why would they?! It's adult business not for children's ears. If my DC were grown up they would probably have figured it out for themselves but even so I would have encouraged them to keep that separate to their relationship with him.

Solidasarock · 10/06/2017 13:12

I can understand your DM would have been upset at what happend all those years ago but her actions now make her seem very unbalanced.

Leve her to wallow in her own misery.

Original poster

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 16/06/2017 23:29

thatdearoctopus of course I would, but I would have been likely to get my own accommodation to avoid this drama.

nocabbageinmyeye no, I didn't tell her. I knew I'd end up feeling guilted the entire trip so I avoided it and then one of our DC announced it to her 😢

dawnofthemombie I couldn't agree with you more. I would never, ever do this to my DC.

Thank you all so much for your advise and support. It really genuinely helps. Sad thing is that DM and I usually have a great relationship, albeit on her terms and she can be such a wonderful, happy person.

Has anyone ever sent a link of an AIBU to help induce clarity to the person concerned? That's a terrible idea, isn't it?

OP posts:

Hyperventing · 29/07/2017 10:25

OP! Just caught up with your update. Hope it's all calmed down and you're glad you've made the decisions that you have. When our parents can't behave like grown ups, we have to for them!

MipMipMip · 29/07/2017 11:24

Why is she so angry at the OW when it was her husband (who she's now OK with) who cheated?

I'm sorry this has happened OP but she clearly has a habit of misplaced blame. Hope things work out.

Hygge · 29/07/2017 11:44

I'm sorry that this has happened to you OP.

Your mother sounds like she is very badly hurt by past events, but she can't use that to control your life and the lives of your children.

I don't know if you are ready for this kind of thing but I've found that a couple of books by Susan Forward helped us through a similar problem, in particular the books called Toxic Parents and Toxic In-laws. There's also an interesting blog called issendai.com that in part looks at the behaviour of parents on forums for people whose family have gone NC with them. It may not be what you need but it might help if you find something you relate to about this situation.

One other thing. Please don't only visit your father when his new partner is away.

My DH's parents tried to start that with us, checking I would be out at work before they came into our home, and it was spectacularly offensive to me.

I had no issue with them seeing DH without me being there, but it was the way they would ring up and manipulate a conversation to find out when I would be at work and then ring DH and demand a visit when they knew I'd be out.

They claimed they preferred my house when I wasn't it, and I found that really rude. You can't do that to your father's partner in her own home, imagine how you would feel if someone did that to you.

Voiceforreason · 29/07/2017 12:02

What a foolish person your DM is but have no doubt she will come round and you have made a good stand!

Dawn what a good mum you are!

HipsterHunter · 29/07/2017 12:19

Ouch not a happy update

I don't think 'normal' people cut their children off for visiting their dad, unlesss there is a MASSIVE back story of abuse

Hissy · 29/07/2017 13:00

She has chosen to punish you for a decision you made to visit your father with your kids.

She's unreasonable, and her reactions are manipulative.

Tbh, NC may be the best thing for you and your family. If your M is like this with her own child, perhaps there's another side to the divorce/split that you don't know of.

Do what makes best sense to you and your family. Your M doesn't seem rational, or healthy to be around.

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