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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not visit my father

73 replies

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 27/03/2017 22:43

Long one. My DP divorced nearly ten years ago. DF left my mum for the OW. DM was understandably hurt and angry. She approached and shouted at the OW more than once, who then got a restraining order against DM. DM is a gp and nearly lost her career. Lots of difficulty ensued, DM ended up quite unwell and struggled for a number of years.

Fast forward ten years, I have maintained a relationship with both of them and enjoy their company. DF lives in a lovely part of the country that is family friendly and a popular tourist destination. As yet, we have never visited them as I know it would upset my mother deeply. DH and I have 2 YO twins and a 4 month old baby. We can't cope going away with the kids and would like to enjoy a visit to DF this summer. Equally we couldn't afford to rent somewhere nearby due to the tourist premium. WWYD. DM will go nuts if we visit but I feel it is time?

Ps I should add, I'm approaching 40. I realise this post makes me sound like in a teenager.

OP posts:

Original poster

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 08/06/2017 19:06

I visited. She found out. I am now sufffering the consequences.

OP posts:

RedGrapeCornSnake · 08/06/2017 19:30

That sucks OP
My parents split when I was an adult too, and in the same circumstances - my dad had an OW and they're still together. My mum still gets in with digs and nasty comments about them. It's hard but I just plain ignore them. I do understand that she's hurt but he's still my dad and the OW goes out of her way to be welcoming and have fun with my kids which I appreciate, even if I'm not thrilled with how she came into my life.
I've no real advice but if you can, maybe reassure your mum that you love her but you love your dad too and maybe he is a topic that you just agree not to discuss from now on. It's bloody hard though

DawnOfTheMombie · 08/06/2017 19:34

Oh ffs

ExDP left me for OW when our DC were just 3 and 1.

I haven't let it affect my DCs relationship with their father.

Your DM needs to get a fucking grip, this isn't about her.

Underthemoonlight · 08/06/2017 19:35

Your entitled to visit your DF but your DM is clearly hurting I think you need to see it from her POV. OW broke her marriage up and now she's involved and seeing her grandchildren. It's a very hard pill for her to swallow. I would have suggested speaking to her about it before having her finding out

Justmuddlingalong · 08/06/2017 19:35

I hope the visit went well and that the door is now open for future time together. Regardless of the repercussions with your DM.

ohfourfoxache · 08/06/2017 19:41

Oh no

This isn't your fault. I know your mum is hurting, but for your sake she needs to get a grip.

for you

namefail · 08/06/2017 19:46

Your DM needs to sort herself out, how unreasonable or her.

Was she this selfish when married to your DF?

PacificDogwod · 08/06/2017 19:51

Well, I am glad you went.

You DM needs to address her own feelings and if she vents them at you, much as that must be horrible for you, it is HER problem and not yours.

My mother is prone to the whole emotional black mail thing ("if you loved me, you'd visit more often') and I now laugh at her. With love, but I laugh.

You cannot be responsible for somebody else's happiness.

IHateUncleJamie · 08/06/2017 20:07

How horrible. I think your Mum needs to be reminded that your Dad is YOUR DAD and not your husband. You have the absolute right to visit either or both of your parents without the other one emotionally blackmailing you. Her anger and betrayal belong to her, not you.

Have you/can you say directly to her "Mum, just because I visited Dad doesn't mean I love you any less. But he's my Dad and I have the right to visit him whenever I want to. You punishing me for it will just make me withdraw from you and I'm sure that's not what you want, so let's have an end to it now."

PeaFaceMcgee · 08/06/2017 20:12

You are NOT responsible for her happiness and you must refuse to engage with any guilt tripping. It's completely inappropriate and unfair of her, and jeapordises your future relationship with her.

Graceflorrick · 08/06/2017 20:15

I wouldn't OP.

AnathemaPulsifer · 08/06/2017 20:20

I would have an adult conversation with her explaining that you know what your dad did was wrong, but he's still your dad and you are going to visit him this summer. If she gets angry or resentful about it that's her problem (and I say that as someone whose ex is married to the OW). You should see your dad.

OnTheRise · 08/06/2017 20:22

Your mother is in charge of her emotions, not you. You can't cause her to feel or do anything.

It's reasonable for you to want to visit your father. If your mother kicks off because you do, that's her problem. Yes, you would probably be wise to work out how you're going to handle her anger when she finds out: but do what you think best, and then cope with the fall-out.

Original poster

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 08/06/2017 20:48

Thanks for all the support. I guess it's hard to apply reason and logic to emotions that aren't either of those things 😢

OP posts:

DawnOfTheMombie · 08/06/2017 21:00

Tbh I think this is emotional abuse and classic parental alienation. Just because youre an adult doesn't mean PA can't happen.

Was it hard having OW around my DDs? Yep. But as long as she was nice to them I was okay with it. Also she left him after 2 years for someone else

Original poster

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 09/06/2017 21:56

I've been blocked and deleted. I suspect she has gone NC.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/06/2017 22:00

it really is her issue and she's been very unreasonable to "make you choose" so to speak

JamPasty · 09/06/2017 22:21

I've been blocked and deleted. I suspect she has gone NC. while horrible for you, that shows how unhinged she is and how unreasonable she's being. No matter what you did, you couldn't have won. In your shoes I would continue building your relationship with your dad. Hugs

rolopolovolo · 09/06/2017 22:24

I think she'll be back and I think you are right to stand up to her.

Read up on emotionally abusive mothers.

x2boys · 09/06/2017 23:03

your mother has no right to be upset your dad left her not you,go visit him

x2boys · 09/06/2017 23:07

sorry should rtft i,m glad you went your mum needs to grow up.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 10/06/2017 00:16

I am not so sure that DM is "Unhinged". I don't know if anyone is academically qualified to make that assessment.
If it is the case that the DM was unceremoniously dumped for the OW that would have been incredibly hurtful If the DF had no input in any shape or form to the OP's life and the DM had to cope with everything alone, it would be hurtful to the DM that the OP would go to the effort of travelling a long distance to see the DF.
I think it all depends on how sure the DM is of the OP's love for her and the OP's realisation of the hurt the DM carries.
As much as everyone on Mumsnet would be outraged at one child being favoured I also think that the DPs and the DPILs need to feel secure in their position within the extended family.
Mums and Grans and Dads and Grandads are in need of affirmation of regard as children are

PacificDogwod · 10/06/2017 00:56

I've been blocked and deleted. I suspect she has gone NC.

Ah, well.
She's made the decision for you - shame.
I would have loved for you to have been the active decision-maker here.

Block and delete her too so she can't contact you when she feels it is time to allow you to apologise to her. Take some control back.

Mediumred · 10/06/2017 01:14

Oh you poor thing, you are not responsible for your mother's reaction and her behaviour, you have done nothing wrong.

If you can find some way to get a message through to her then I would reassure her that the OW will not be replacing her as either your mother or your children's grandmother, (this was my much loved mum's totally irrational fear) but after that do not do any more chasing after her.

You have the prize now, in the children, and if she wants a relationship with them then she must acknowledge or at least accept that you can have a relationship with your dad. You hold the cards, do not let her manipulate you. Good luck, OP, such a hard situation. Ok, we're adults, but we're still the children in this situation and we didn't ask for this to happen.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/06/2017 01:24

"If it is the case that the DM was unceremoniously dumped for the OW that would have been incredibly hurtful If the DF had no input in any shape or form to the OP's life and the DM had to cope with everything alone, it would be hurtful to the DM that the OP would go to the effort of travelling a long distance to see the DF."
OP has said she is approaching 40, and that her parents divorced nearly ten year ago, so when the OP was around 30. She wasn't a child being brought up by her mother alone, with no input from the father. I'm sure it was hurtful to be dumped, but their child was adult by the time it happened.

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