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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to help me form a polite but stern message?

22 replies

Hannahbanana1725 · 27/03/2017 22:14

Previous post for some background:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2856652-AIBU-to-cut-friendship-of-10-years
Decided to cut friendship, very quietly just slipping away. Deleted off social media and avoided her when out, didn't want to make a big fuss of it.
DP is still friends with her which I'm fine with, ish, and we have mutual friends.
Was out with DP the other week in a club and ran into her, she asked me very loudly in front of many of our mutual friends if 'i still loved her' (what are we 12?), i was umming not really knowing what to say. She then asked if i hated her to which i said no. She made a big thing about it so i just left it alone. Later on in the night she asked if i wanted to go to the toilet with her, to which I said no, i didn't need to go to the toilet, she said fine and sulked off. I wanted to say something to her but I didn't want to be a bitch doing it in front of everyone.
She's now messaged me tonight asking if she's upset me because she doesn't know what she's done wrong.
How can I tell her politely but sternly that I want nothing to do with her? Or do I just ignore the message?
Sorry for the long post, i really appreciate any readers and posters 🌼

OP posts:
Original poster
Hannahbanana1725 · 27/03/2017 22:15

Don't know how to make the link work 😟

OP posts:
BiscuitMillionaire · 27/03/2017 22:18

Copy the link with two square brackets around it
See below.

PollyPerky · 27/03/2017 22:19

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2856652-AIBU-to-cut-friendship-of-10-years

I don't have time to read your thread but I think I'd keep your message short and say after what she had said or done (whatever it was) the friendship is over and you want no further contact.

MrsTwix · 27/03/2017 22:22

Sorry it didn't show for me before.

I think you should ignore her.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2017 22:25

Ignore. She's trying to reel you back in to the drama. Ignore.

FatOldBag · 27/03/2017 22:26

Just tell her you feel like you've grown into different people, and no judgment or anything but you don't feel like you're her sort of person anymore and you'd rather concentrate on friendships you feel are more "you" these days. But you wish her well and don't dislike her, even if you don't feel like hanging out anymore. Or some shit like that.

followTheyellowbrickRoad · 27/03/2017 22:26

Do you think she will change if you point out what she did wrong. If not don't respond to her message and block her from contacting you

NataliaOsipova · 27/03/2017 22:31

I'd keep it breezy but formal. For example: "Thanks for your message. Not quite sure why you'd think you'd upset me - but, for the record, absolutely not at all. Good to see you're doing well. Best wishes."

Then - don't initiate contact with her, don't speak to mutual friends about her (except in an entirely neutral fashion if they mention her - e.g. "Oh, X - how is she doing?", "Great" sort of way) and she should naturally drop off the radar without any drama.....

Chickiwick · 27/03/2017 22:48

What Natalia said.

If she persists then you might have to 'break up' with her but at this stage I think a brush off is best.

DaffodilsinMarch · 27/03/2017 22:53

FatOldBag "Or some shit like that" -- really made me laugh! And great advice. What she said.

BonnyScotland · 27/03/2017 22:56

Don't reply.. just block the monster .. any response will simply feed her nasty drama filled world ....

BillSykesDog · 27/03/2017 23:00

Be honest. It's not really fair just to ghost her after a long relationship. But don't get into blame and mudslinging either.

I would say something along the lines of 'After giving it a lot of thought I've decided that we're at very different places in our lives at the moment and don't have anything to offer each other in terms of constructive friendship like support or fun because of that. We only seem to have a negative effect on each other in terms of tension and bad feeling so I think at the moment the best thing for both of us is to not continue to persue the friendship. I wish you well but I don't feel we're on the same page at the moment.'

chastenedButStillSmiling · 27/03/2017 23:01

Have clicked (thank you everyone!) and read your posts on the other thread. Totally understand why you're cutting contact (understand a bit less about the love from your DPs family and his unwavering loyalty to her, but that's your issue, and you're obviously comfortable enough with it, so I won't go there - not your AIBU, not my business)

I also agree with Natalia.

I was going to suggest
"I think we've grown apart"
"Every time we meet, all I can remember is how betrayed I have felt by you. We're not going to carry on being friends" [I get that this is an unrealistic thing to say, but there's another thread about someone who was just dumped by a group of friends, and something similar happened to me once. And you just wonder over and over why.. why...why. So, if you're texting, I wondered if you could just be very blunt and honest. And the point about THIS message is that she can't bitch about you without outing her own bad behaviour. Also, in RL, I really, really admire the people who have the courage to cut-through social niceties and without rudeness, just state things as they are. I'm very bad at it, and wish I wasn't! Being assertive and honest is a great gift!]

But natalia's is better!

Good luck x

ohfourfoxache · 27/03/2017 23:06

Another vote for Natalia's text

BillSykesDog · 27/03/2017 23:06

I wouldn't blame TBH. That's only going to deteriorate the situation. It will mean she feels like she has to get the last word in to justify herself and there will be more drama and arguments if you bump into her and more bitching. Just say you've turned into very different people and the friendship has run its course.

BillSykesDog · 27/03/2017 23:09

I don't think she will just drop off the radar though. She seems pretty determined to find out what's going on. And like being dumped by a boyfriend, people do tend to want to get a definitive answer rather than being left dangling.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2017 23:12

I like Natalia's text too. Then continue being far too busy.

PollyPerky · 28/03/2017 08:19

I think I'd be honest with her.

I had a similar situation with a very old friend. She said some terrible things about me (in a fit of anger perhaps) and I could never get over it. I blanked her but for months she continued to text me and contacted other family members. Each time that happened it reopened the wound. I wish now I'd sent a short message, ending it and reasons why.

namechange20050 · 28/03/2017 08:26

I think you need to be honest with her. I just read your other thread, you are meant to be best mates, you can't just ditch her without telling her why. Time to man up and be honest.

AdoraBell · 28/03/2017 09:59

I would go with Natalia's text idea

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