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AIBU to cut friendship of 10+ years?

(63 Posts)
Hannahbanana1725 Fri 17-Feb-17 09:19:26


Met in school, have a mutual friend who also met in school and we've been 'best friends' for at least 10 years. Use to have a really good relationship but grown apart over the years.

This friend is also friends with my OH, or as she likes to call it, they're 'family'. They've known each other for the same amount of time I've known my OH as we all used to work together.

This friend reguarly does drugs (cocaine and mdma) and my OH is an ex-cocaine addict.
Whenever I see her (not often) she constantly talks about herself and her life and how many people she's had sex with recently, never about me or how I am etc.

She recently found out that me and my OH are trying to concieve and she was extremely judgemental and said it's a bad idea and wouldn't work out between me and my OH.
I was raped before me and my OH got together and she told him whilst we were dating which was something I didn't want to share with him yet (i did when we were in a relationship and felt comfortable only to find out he already knew). She claims she did this out of my own good and to protect me??
I went away with her and the mutual friend for the mutual friends birthday last weekend, and she kept making comments about drugs and then saying 'oh it's just a joke before you say anything'. She did this a few times. She also went in on one about how i'd been checking up on my OH all day (we'd been on the phone briefly twice cause problems with his bank) and how I'm obsessed with having a baby.

I think to myself that if I'd met her now would we be friends? And i think the answers probably no.

So, AIBU to cut a friendship when we've been friends for so long?🤔

HumpHumpWhale Fri 17-Feb-17 09:21:01

Yanbu. Get rid.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Fri 17-Feb-17 09:21:09

She sounds jealous.

FourEyesGood Fri 17-Feb-17 09:22:21

Just because you've had something for a long time, that doesn't mean you should keep it. That goes for personal relationships too.

holidaysaregreat Fri 17-Feb-17 09:30:56

YANBU she sounds jealous that you are at the settling down stage and is trying to scupper your plans.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 17-Feb-17 09:32:47

Doesn't sound like she's making you happy. Don't think you need a dramatic pronouncement, just don't arrange to see her.

Katy07 Fri 17-Feb-17 09:35:29

I don't think you really need to ask! But you could introduce her to the 'friend' mentioned on another thread who won't meet up half way - I think they'd be well suited grin And then you and the other OP would both be happy too.

Willow2016 Fri 17-Feb-17 10:18:30

Definately jealous that you and oh have a nice life and are trying for a baby.
She probably is feeling she needs to put you down to make her pathetic life more interesting (drugs and sex with anyone and everyone is just sad and she is just realising that)

You get to chose who you have in your life and toxic people arent 'keepers'. Friends dont put others down or interfere in their lives, I would have gone ape shit over the rape telling btw.
Good luck with the baby making smile

Areasonablegal Fri 17-Feb-17 10:21:55

Dump and run for the hills.

Jealous cow

Tomorrowillbeachicken Fri 17-Feb-17 10:28:52

I had to do this with a friend of 20+ years. Best thing I ever did.

troodiedoo Fri 17-Feb-17 10:29:50

How does your OH feel about her? She seems hell bent on dragging you down to her level and stirring, so cutting her off seems the only sensible option here. But you and OH must ideally be on the same page with it.

troodiedoo Fri 17-Feb-17 10:31:20

yes actually the rape telling is just unforgivable, ditch her for that alone. Very sorry you have been through that.

Yoksha Fri 17-Feb-17 10:45:06

Once your eye's are open, they can't be closed. Situations will only become more intense internally for you. Stress & pregnancy is well documented.

For totally different reasons, I had to detach gradually from a friend of 28yrs. You don't have to justify yourself if the relationship is making you unhappy. You don't have to have a discussion with friend to explain because I suspect it's already dawned on her.

All the best for your future. flowers

Chloe84 Fri 17-Feb-17 10:47:27

YANBU. I think telling your OH that you were raped would have ended the friendship for me. I
It was not her place. I suspect she thought/hoped it would scare your OH away.

Lespritdelsietanner Fri 17-Feb-17 10:52:15

She disclosed you were raped to your OH without your permission. That tells you all you need to know really. Untrustworthy and disrespectful. Cut her loose.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 17-Feb-17 10:54:53

Cut her out, she sounds crap, and not a friend at all!

HouseworkIsASin10 Fri 17-Feb-17 11:02:36

Dump. I also did this with a friend over 20+ years.

Hannahbanana1725 Fri 17-Feb-17 16:28:04

Thanks for all your responses!
When she told him about the rape I didn't talk to her for about two months and not once did she apologise!
I think it's just difficult as we have mutual friends and my OH won't want to stop being friends with her, not that I would ever make him!
It did make me laugh when she hinted at her being a godmother when we had a child hmm

PolaDeVeboise Fri 17-Feb-17 16:43:59

Does your OH ever go out with her without you?

VestalVirgin Fri 17-Feb-17 16:57:55

When she told him about the rape I didn't talk to her for about two months and not once did she apologise!

Why did you start talking to her again, then?

I am also suspicious about your OH for not telling you she has told him this, as she apparently had made it quite clear you did not want this to be common knowledge.

She is at best a clueless, irresponsible person who only thinks about herself. I don't think there is much to be gained from staying friends with her.
At worst, she might actually plan to actively hurt you.

OreoHeaven Fri 17-Feb-17 17:42:03

She's no friend. Ditch.

Hannahbanana1725 Fri 17-Feb-17 18:29:27

Pola - yes they haven't in a while but are going to lunch together on Sunday (I'm not invited, she said she wants it just them two)

Vestal- she was constantly messaging me and asking 'if I'm over it yet', which made me think i was over reacting and I felt bad. Plus the mutual friend kept saying I need to talk to her eventually so i did and then we just acted like it never happened.
I asked him why he didn't say anything sooner and he said he didn't want me to feel like I had to tell him about it etc

CoraPirbright Fri 17-Feb-17 18:48:01

<Splutters> she said "are you over it yet?" shock shock shock

For that alone, I would kick her into touch. She told your OH about your rape? It's not like she happened to mention that you have quite a lot of shoes or that you had once turned up at your job hungover or something. I mean, that is really very serious and either she has no idea, or doesn't give a toss, or knows completely and doesn't like being called out on her behaviour. In any of these cases, dump dump dump!!

CoraPirbright Fri 17-Feb-17 18:50:46

My dh has female friends who he sees on a social basis and I am totally cool with this but if I had a 'friend' like this, I would not be happy at all. She simply does not know how to behave and does not have your best interests at heart.

PolaDeVeboise Sat 18-Feb-17 09:35:08

Hmm, just thinking about the fact that OH is an 'ex-cocaine addict' and that she is still a user. Was wondering if perhaps he still indulges occasionally. It's incredibly difficult to resist, particularly if you've been drinking...

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