To want my 'own' Mother's day

[mumski]

I need some advice on this please. Every year for Mother's Day we meet my brother and sister in law and mum at a half way point for Mother's Day. It's still an hour and a half drive to get there (so 3 hours in total if the traffic isn't bad) . My mother is 87 and dreadful at all levels. Rude etc etc.
This year I just feel I've had enough. There is other really difficult stuff we are dealing with at home. My girls who are 22 and 21 are refusing to go because they dislike their grandmother so much. Just for once after 22 years I'd like my own Mother's Day when my girls can take me out or cook me dinner. Then I think this could be mum's last mothers day..... and then I start to feel guilty. Help! advice please!!

Do what you want. You aren't being held hostage.

It's so complicated these feelings. I wouldn't make your kids go. Maybe switch one "Mother's Day" to the Saturday and do something both days? Or maybe figure out a time to visit your mum separately, book a near by hotel for one night or something and then you have Mother's Day?

Your dd's are adults, you are allowed to make your own plans.

It might be your mums last Mother's Day, but unless she's very ill, it's not the last opportunity you have to see her.

Do your own thing with your dd's, go see your mum another day.

Well actually op is an emotional hostage. My parents were both abusove to me as a kid but as an adult we have a good friendship but most of the abuse is denied. Most people can't understand this but it doesn't matter as it is what it is with complicated feelings all over. Mother's Day and Father's Day are hard though as despite our friendship I can't bring myself to buy that "best parent in the world" shot that's everywhere as it's really not true. I think some people see relationships as so black and white when for many of us it's just not that simple.

I think some people see relationships as so black and white when for many of us it's just not that simple.

Actually, because of my very similar crappy past I'm more able to see things clearly and decide not to do something if I don't want to. Life's too short to do things that make you miserable.

And I never bought a worlds best parent card for either of my parents because that would have been a lie.

Don't feel guilty OP. You clearly have a challenging relationship with your Mum but have not let that stop you from doing your duty - it is OK to say 'Not this year, this year will be for me'.

Tell your DDs that you are available and give yourself over to being cherished

I second the above suggestion - visit your mum on the Saturday and have Sunday for yourself.

This is your chance to liberate your daughters from the tyranny of Mother's Day.
Talk to them about what they want to do, reduce your expectations and give them a card and a kiss to say thank you for supporting you with this madness for the last 22 years.
The most important thing is that you love each other and let them know they are loved.

Do it your way. Nasty people shouldn't be tolerated, regardless of their relationship to you. Go and have a lovely time with your daughters.

I too was going to say do something with your dds on one day and go and see you Mother on another.

In my family we don't celebrate Mother's Day as adults, and this is exactly why! OP the last 22 years of MDs should have been about you, don't feel guilty for taking this one.

I agree that you should do your own thing.

FWIW, my maternal grandmother used to pull the 'but it might be my last...' schtick in order to emotionally manipulate her children (and grandchildren).

It was the 'might be my last' for about 20 years and it blighted Christmasses, mothers days, birthdays, etc etc etc for my entire childhood.

Have your own MD, and go and see her another time.

Do what you want. Send your mum a card, see her another time. She sounds awful. Have a nice day to yourself,

I send my mum a card. She knows she is loved since we make that clear every day of the year. My girls give me a card, and a hug. Loving your mum is not exactly something that needs celebrating once a year.

I don't really like being told, usually by the card industry, when I should say I care/love/thank somebody. I hate that my kids spend their money on over priced flowers and stuff and ignore my requests to not bother. They visit me, they talk to me, they send me photos of my beautiful grandchildren. It's enough and I don't need a World's best mum card or some flowers/chocolates. Each to their own and as much as I don't want to celebrate then you should be able to celebrate your way. So that was a long winded way of saying have your day with your kids and have a great time.

How about saying to your Bro that your DD's have planned something for you so you wont be able to make the meet up this year?

Gets you out of it without any awkward conversations about how you feel about her.

AliceByTheMoon, that was my MIL. Of course one year they are right! It is wearing when it goes on for 20 years, for my husband it was more like 50 years of guilt trips and manipulation.

I like PyongyanKipperbang's idea. Very tactful.

I've been NC with my mother for years so probably am not the best person for advice on this, but what I will say is that one of the very best things about being a grown-up is being able to choose who you have in your life and to what extent. You feel obligated to this Mother's Day arrangement, but you're not really. You can say no, honestly it's allowed. Try it, just once this year, say you are doing something else. Nobody will die and you'll have a much nicer time.

And if it is her last Mother's Day then so be it. Not to be overly cold, but if that is the case then she would have died anyway and it doesn't sound like Mother's Day is making magical memories for any of you.

Just see your Mum another day or do something with your DD's another day.

Your girls shouldn't have to see their Grandmother on Mothers Day if they don't want to. She isn't their mother. Have Mothers Day with your girls and see your mother on your own another day. I haven't seen my own mother on Mothers Day for years, and our relationship is very good. I spend the day with my DC and see my mum another day, and that's that. I send a card and a gift so that she has them on the day itself. If you do want to see your mum on a date close to Mothers Day, I'd suggest that you do so before Mothers Day itself, so that you can hand over the card and gift and there is no possibility of her not having received it.

I don't really like being told, usually by the card industry, when I should say I care/love/thank somebody

This.

It's nice to get a card but I have said to DH and DS that I don't want presents for Mother's Day unless there is something small like a book I've said I'd quite like and the timing corresponds with Mother's Day. They could just buy it me anyway, but if you can tag it to an "event", why not.

As for visiting a mum you don't want to see. I do get on with my mum but I never see her for Mother's Day because she is 3 hours away. So why bother if you don't actually get on with your mother? As for your daughters, she's not their mum. You are. So it's quite reasonable for you to do something with them.

All that said, I go back to the comment above. And restaurants are horribly overpriced and full on Mother's Day. Go a different day. We took MiL out yesterday. Much more pleasant experience than it would have been next week.

its just a day - another over hyped thing to cause guilt and grief.
See her another time - if you dont get on they why try to pretend because society says its a 'special' day on the calendar ( was meant to be about the church too, long time ago , but hi jacked by card shops and florists, not to mention the stores and restaurants in more recent times)
If you go out on another day it will be less packed and much better too.

remoaniac, glad its not just me. I forgot about the restaurant thing but yes it tends to be very crowded and "special" i.e. expensive menu. Not just Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Father's Day are very similar.