To want my 'own' Mother's day

[mumski]

I need some advice on this please. Every year for Mother's Day we meet my brother and sister in law and mum at a half way point for Mother's Day. It's still an hour and a half drive to get there (so 3 hours in total if the traffic isn't bad) . My mother is 87 and dreadful at all levels. Rude etc etc.
This year I just feel I've had enough. There is other really difficult stuff we are dealing with at home. My girls who are 22 and 21 are refusing to go because they dislike their grandmother so much. Just for once after 22 years I'd like my own Mother's Day when my girls can take me out or cook me dinner. Then I think this could be mum's last mothers day..... and then I start to feel guilty. Help! advice please!!

[Moussemoose]

Mother's Day has been ruined for me by my mum. It's always about her. When I had 2 small children and a job I still had to cook a meal for her. She didn't work and couldn't help me because it was 'her' day to have a rest. I was knackered. Then I just stopped, made some excuse and now I put very little pressure on my DC. A bunch of daffs and cup of tea and a hug, that's all I need.

[mumski]

I'm feeling better already... so many kind and wise words.
Even though I was brought up a catholic but refused to have anything to do with it when I was 18, the guilt gene has already been implanted in you and it's impossible to shift no matter how you rationalise it.
I like your idea knackeredinyorkshire to say my daughters have a surprise for me. Bless them if I say I'm not going to meet my mum, they will come up with a treat of some kind. As so many of you say the important thing is my girls know they are much loved and cheese on toast at home would make me happy! x

[ALittleMop]

I'm a pushover because I'd just go along with it. Regardless of if it's her last. Partly because of irrational guilt, partly because I'd not want to make my brother suffer alone.

But I'd a have a gorgeous non-Mother's Day with with my daughters the day before or the week after.

[ProseccoBitch]

Just don't go then.

[Littlegreyauditor]

Ah, yes, the "it might be my last" card. Truth is it could be any one of our "lasts". Any one of us could get hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow. (Morbid, but true).
With that in mind don't spend your life trying to make things pleasant for someone who could still be making everyone miserable in 10 years time, whilst never having any high days and holidays yourself.

I have a "could be my last" user in my family. It's been her last for 25 years. I started to reply "well, we can only hope".
We don't speak any more. It's a joy, frankly.

[geordiedench]

Invite them all to come to you for tea. That way you get Mother's day breakfast (best part of mother's day imo) with your own DC, and can then keep it simple with cakes and tea if they come. If they don't want to travel that far, that's their choice.

Or come down with a stomach bug. As long as you can do this without guilt.

[girlywhirly]

There is never an excuse to be rude and unpleasant just because you are old and can pull the 'it might be my last' card.

Tell your mother and brother that this year you can't make it, sorry, not possible. It's none of their business why not.

If there are issues that need your attention at home, don't feel guilty for cracking on, life doesn't revolve around your mother and if she was nicer to people they would be happy to visit her. It sounds as though you are in need of TLC regardless.

[diddl]

If you don't see her & it is her last MD. sounds as if there are lots of others that you'll be able to look back at not so fondly.

That's flippant I know, but you've spent so many with her that "the last one" will likely be no different or special when it happens.

Your daughters don't want to go, so organise something with them for MD with just you.

Could you see your own mum on the Saturday if you feel that you couldn't not see her at all?

I

[Whywaitfortomorrow]

Depends how you will feel if you don't see her. If you're the sort of person who will be filled with guilt, then just have to figure out what will make you feel better, putting up with her for an afternoon in the company of your brother and sis in law - am assuming you have good relationship with them - or not seeing her at all and then having to arrange another time. Or not.

[grannytomine]

remoaniac, glad its not just me. I forgot about the restaurant thing but yes it tends to be very crowded and "special" i.e. expensive menu. Not just Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Father's Day are very similar.

[The80sweregreat]

its just a day - another over hyped thing to cause guilt and grief.
See her another time - if you dont get on they why try to pretend because society says its a 'special' day on the calendar ( was meant to be about the church too, long time ago , but hi jacked by card shops and florists, not to mention the stores and restaurants in more recent times)
If you go out on another day it will be less packed and much better too.

[remoaniac]

I don't really like being told, usually by the card industry, when I should say I care/love/thank somebody

This.

It's nice to get a card but I have said to DH and DS that I don't want presents for Mother's Day unless there is something small like a book I've said I'd quite like and the timing corresponds with Mother's Day. They could just buy it me anyway, but if you can tag it to an "event", why not.

As for visiting a mum you don't want to see. I do get on with my mum but I never see her for Mother's Day because she is 3 hours away. So why bother if you don't actually get on with your mother? As for your daughters, she's not their mum. You are. So it's quite reasonable for you to do something with them.

All that said, I go back to the comment above. And restaurants are horribly overpriced and full on Mother's Day. Go a different day. We took MiL out yesterday. Much more pleasant experience than it would have been next week.

[WellTidy]

Your girls shouldn't have to see their Grandmother on Mothers Day if they don't want to. She isn't their mother. Have Mothers Day with your girls and see your mother on your own another day. I haven't seen my own mother on Mothers Day for years, and our relationship is very good. I spend the day with my DC and see my mum another day, and that's that. I send a card and a gift so that she has them on the day itself. If you do want to see your mum on a date close to Mothers Day, I'd suggest that you do so before Mothers Day itself, so that you can hand over the card and gift and there is no possibility of her not having received it.

[Notso]

Just see your Mum another day or do something with your DD's another day.

[mistermagpie]

I've been NC with my mother for years so probably am not the best person for advice on this, but what I will say is that one of the very best things about being a grown-up is being able to choose who you have in your life and to what extent. You feel obligated to this Mother's Day arrangement, but you're not really. You can say no, honestly it's allowed. Try it, just once this year, say you are doing something else. Nobody will die and you'll have a much nicer time.

And if it is her last Mother's Day then so be it. Not to be overly cold, but if that is the case then she would have died anyway and it doesn't sound like Mother's Day is making magical memories for any of you.

[grannytomine]

I like PyongyanKipperbang's idea. Very tactful.

[grannytomine]

AliceByTheMoon, that was my MIL. Of course one year they are right! It is wearing when it goes on for 20 years, for my husband it was more like 50 years of guilt trips and manipulation.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

How about saying to your Bro that your DD's have planned something for you so you wont be able to make the meet up this year?

Gets you out of it without any awkward conversations about how you feel about her.

[grannytomine]

I don't really like being told, usually by the card industry, when I should say I care/love/thank somebody. I hate that my kids spend their money on over priced flowers and stuff and ignore my requests to not bother. They visit me, they talk to me, they send me photos of my beautiful grandchildren. It's enough and I don't need a World's best mum card or some flowers/chocolates. Each to their own and as much as I don't want to celebrate then you should be able to celebrate your way. So that was a long winded way of saying have your day with your kids and have a great time.

[BeyondThePage]

I send my mum a card. She knows she is loved since we make that clear every day of the year. My girls give me a card, and a hug. Loving your mum is not exactly something that needs celebrating once a year.

[mouldycheesefan]

Do what you want. Send your mum a card, see her another time. She sounds awful. Have a nice day to yourself,

[AliceByTheMoon]

I agree that you should do your own thing.

FWIW, my maternal grandmother used to pull the 'but it might be my last...' schtick in order to emotionally manipulate her children (and grandchildren).

It was the 'might be my last' for about 20 years and it blighted Christmasses, mothers days, birthdays, etc etc etc for my entire childhood.

Have your own MD, and go and see her another time.

[FootstepsMerlot]

In my family we don't celebrate Mother's Day as adults, and this is exactly why! OP the last 22 years of MDs should have been about you, don't feel guilty for taking this one.