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AIBU?

To want my 'own' Mother's day

35 replies

mumski · 20/03/2017 09:20

I need some advice on this please. Every year for Mother's Day we meet my brother and sister in law and mum at a half way point for Mother's Day. It's still an hour and a half drive to get there (so 3 hours in total if the traffic isn't bad) . My mother is 87 and dreadful at all levels. Rude etc etc.
This year I just feel I've had enough. There is other really difficult stuff we are dealing with at home. My girls who are 22 and 21 are refusing to go because they dislike their grandmother so much. Just for once after 22 years I'd like my own Mother's Day when my girls can take me out or cook me dinner. Then I think this could be mum's last mothers day..... and then I start to feel guilty. Help! advice please!!

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itsmine · 20/03/2017 10:13

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Whywaitfortomorrow · 20/03/2017 10:16

Depends how you will feel if you don't see her. If you're the sort of person who will be filled with guilt, then just have to figure out what will make you feel better, putting up with her for an afternoon in the company of your brother and sis in law - am assuming you have good relationship with them - or not seeing her at all and then having to arrange another time. Or not.

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diddl · 20/03/2017 10:33

If you don't see her & it is her last MD. sounds as if there are lots of others that you'll be able to look back at not so fondly.

That's flippant I know, but you've spent so many with her that "the last one" will likely be no different or special when it happens.

Your daughters don't want to go, so organise something with them for MD with just you.

Could you see your own mum on the Saturday if you feel that you couldn't not see her at all?

I

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girlywhirly · 20/03/2017 10:37

There is never an excuse to be rude and unpleasant just because you are old and can pull the 'it might be my last' card.

Tell your mother and brother that this year you can't make it, sorry, not possible. It's none of their business why not.

If there are issues that need your attention at home, don't feel guilty for cracking on, life doesn't revolve around your mother and if she was nicer to people they would be happy to visit her. It sounds as though you are in need of TLC regardless.

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geordiedench · 20/03/2017 10:49

Invite them all to come to you for tea. That way you get Mother's day breakfast (best part of mother's day imo) with your own DC, and can then keep it simple with cakes and tea if they come. If they don't want to travel that far, that's their choice.

Or come down with a stomach bug. As long as you can do this without guilt.

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Littlegreyauditor · 20/03/2017 10:50

Ah, yes, the "it might be my last" card. Truth is it could be any one of our "lasts". Any one of us could get hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow. (Morbid, but true).
With that in mind don't spend your life trying to make things pleasant for someone who could still be making everyone miserable in 10 years time, whilst never having any high days and holidays yourself.

I have a "could be my last" user in my family. It's been her last for 25 years. I started to reply "well, we can only hope".
We don't speak any more. It's a joy, frankly.

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ProseccoBitch · 20/03/2017 10:50

Just don't go then.

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ALittleMop · 20/03/2017 11:00

I'm a pushover because I'd just go along with it. Regardless of if it's her last. Partly because of irrational guilt, partly because I'd not want to make my brother suffer alone.

But I'd a have a gorgeous non-Mother's Day with with my daughters the day before or the week after.

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mumski · 20/03/2017 12:22

I'm feeling better already... so many kind and wise words.
Even though I was brought up a catholic but refused to have anything to do with it when I was 18, the guilt gene has already been implanted in you and it's impossible to shift no matter how you rationalise it.
I like your idea knackeredinyorkshire to say my daughters have a surprise for me. Bless them if I say I'm not going to meet my mum, they will come up with a treat of some kind. As so many of you say the important thing is my girls know they are much loved and cheese on toast at home would make me happy! x

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Moussemoose · 20/03/2017 12:32

Mother's Day has been ruined for me by my mum. It's always about her. When I had 2 small children and a job I still had to cook a meal for her. She didn't work and couldn't help me because it was 'her' day to have a rest. I was knackered. Then I just stopped, made some excuse and now I put very little pressure on my DC. A bunch of daffs and cup of tea and a hug, that's all I need.