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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To invite myself to a play date for 5yo?

61 replies

Mummamayhem · 15/03/2017 21:20

DD is starting to get invites to play at school friends houses which is great but when I don't know the family well and haven't been to their house, I feel uncomfortable to agreeing to just dropping DD off when she only knows the child and not the adults. Is it rude to ask to come too? (Just for 1st time) It feels really awkward, especially as I have a younger child too tagging along.

OP posts:

paxillin · 15/03/2017 21:25

I wouldn't invite myself. Early playdates are only for a couple of hours anyway. Younger siblings tagging along makes this a complete no-no for me. Inviting one five year old is a completely different thing to having a mum I don't know stay for awkward small talk with a toddler in tow who trashes the room.

londonrach · 15/03/2017 21:26

Yabu you cant especially with a younger child. Can you meet the mum at the playground first

BarbarianMum · 15/03/2017 21:29

You would be considered quite odd doing that round here and I must admit I'd have found it annoying having to entertain you - play dates are enough of a pain at that age as it is. Maybe politely decline until you're ready to let her go alone.

Original poster

Mummamayhem · 15/03/2017 21:30

Oh god thought so. It's just so new to me this. I am over run with her social life and she's still learning about playing and sharing, I find it all a bit nerve wracking!

OP posts:

Lilaclily · 15/03/2017 21:32

I think you have to let go a bit, perhaps make the arrangements with the mum on the phone to make you feel more comfortable if you've woken to her ?

BarbarianMum · 15/03/2017 21:32

Sorry that came out wrong I'd find it annoying to host any adult (not you in particular, I'm sure you're lovely) and a toddler when I was just planning on hosting a playdate.

PunkrockerGirl · 15/03/2017 21:39

Yabu, especially expecting to bring a younger sibling along.
Let your dd enjoy her new friendships. As long as you and the other parents have exchanged contact details, I can't see why it's a problem.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 15/03/2017 21:40

Why not offer the first play date at yours, and offer a coffee to the parent?

Then they might think it reciprocal.

I understand where you're coming from OP but some people may think you were maybe being controlling or judgey, before they thought the reason was to make sure your DC behaved in another home.

Original poster

Mummamayhem · 15/03/2017 21:40

Haha I know what you mean. I find myself and especially my toddler really annoying! Honestly I don't want to over step the mark but when I don't know these people it just feels really uncomfortable to me. I'm going to decline as I think while I'm worried she'll worry.

OP posts:

paxillin · 15/03/2017 21:45

They're five. She'll be fine. You have her friend next week.

WildBelle · 15/03/2017 21:48

Don't worry about having to supervise her playing and sharing. All play dates with 5 year olds are hateful in that respect, IME. It will be 2 hours of squabbling. The parents will be fully expecting it.

Why not invite the child over to yours first, then you'll get a chance to meet the mum (or dad)?

wrinkleseverywhere · 15/03/2017 21:49

I think that that is understandable. Can you meet at the park or at soft play the first time & get to know the host family a bit that way?

TinselTwins · 15/03/2017 21:52

YANBU, I've been when I've invited a kid I don't know and the parent has assumed I'ld just pick up this kid I'ld never met before! First playdates should be with parents, it's not a good idea to let your kid trot off to a house you've never been in yourself.

SanFranBear · 15/03/2017 21:53

Don't decline - your DD is just starting to make friends and this is the next step. She will be so excited to have even asked.

There are ways round this - have the child to yours first, try and chat to the other mum before the date, let DD go for just an hour rather than a full play date?

BuffyFan · 15/03/2017 21:54

My only experience of play dates have been with a parent in tow. I've never left my 5 year old nor had a friend of his left with me. But then the only play dates I organise are with friends! So the play date is for the parents to have a chin wag as much as for the kids to have a play.

Tbh I'd be tempted to just be upfront and ask - is this a drop and run play date or shall I bring the biscuits?

Original poster

Mummamayhem · 15/03/2017 22:00

She does have lots of play dates with school friends where I know the mums and we all take turns in hosting and see each other at parties etc. (Which can still be hard work)

She'd probably be on her best behaviour if I wasn't there. But I'm not ok with it for some reason so I'll suggest a park trip or something.

OP posts:

Boiing · 15/03/2017 22:03

Yanbu. Leaving a 5yo with a total stranger seems odd to me, not all parents are responsible. Can you get to know them at a playground or something first / just be blunt and ask if it's ok to come for the first playdate

HandInGove · 15/03/2017 22:05

YA in no way BU.
What does your DD want to do? Does she want you to come along or not?
My DC would have hated going alone to a new family house with strange parents at that age but we're all clearly weirdos.

I would also hate to have any DC over on their own to ours at that age for the first time without their parent in case the DC freaked out. Also I would like to meet a new parent from the class, why not. I don't get the idea it's such a hassle to have a parent round. It's not like the host parent can seriously be getting on with their jobs with visiting 5 yos playing is it?

Jazzywazzydodah · 15/03/2017 22:05

Yes I'd feel uncomfortable leaving her too.

Id suggest a park trip/soft play.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 15/03/2017 22:07

I think it's fine! In these situations I always think: "how would I feel if a mum wanted to come along with a sibling in tow?" I wouldn't mind, I'd think maybe the child in question was a bit nervous and the mum was being protective. I would quite like someone to have a coffee with (even if it means I can't get on with stuff) and certainly a sibling in tow wouldn't phase me! Why would it..? There are so many rules about flipping play dates! I don't think most real life, kind people care whether you are there or not, as long as both children are happy and have a nice time.

Misswiggy · 15/03/2017 22:10

The truth is that people will probably find it strange if you invite yourself along. I recently had a parent invite my (5yo) dd for a play date and ask if I would stay for coffee while she was there. I couldn't as my other kids have activities and I'm in and out of the house and cooking dinner etc. I was happy for her to go along as they seem like a nice family, live in the next street and my dd was very excited to go. I invited her dd to ours the next week but didn't ask her mum to stay as I just think it's a bit weird at this age to be honest. Once you are leaving them at school all day surely they can be left at a friends house for a couple of hours without you? One could argue that you don't really know anyone including teachers etc, so I don't think you can expect to stay for coffee every time your child is invited to someone's house whom you don't know. Or you can but you will probably find your child won't be invited again!

TinselTwins · 15/03/2017 22:13

Once you are leaving them at school all day surely they can be left at a friends house for a couple of hours without you?

Um.. I know enough about my kids school to know that there are no older kids playing violent vidoe games in the same room as them, no poorly managed dogs, no transient swinging door type of set up etc….

Totally not the same thing!

TinselTwins · 15/03/2017 22:15

I wouldn't mind, I'd think maybe the child in question was a bit nervous and the mum was being protective

Parents are supposed to be protective of their 5 year olds! OMG that's their job! jesus can't believe so many people think "they're in school now so they can fend for themselves and I shouldn't have anything to do with where they go"

Original poster

Mummamayhem · 15/03/2017 22:21

Yes I'm wavering actually. If DD was really keen, after reading the above I'd probably let her..and then worry. DD isn't fussed though (and she would definitely prefer me there - I've not asked her I just know) i'd like her to make more friends but she's not as enthusiastic!.

OP posts:

Thurlow · 15/03/2017 22:22

Interestingly mixed responses here.

I just had a first friend around the other day. I did sort of know the mum, we've chatted at the school gates and have once been to the pub for a mums' drinks thing. But there was no suggestion at all that she would come too, and I picked her child up from school, took them home and had them for two hours, including dinner.

Personally I'd have no problem with someone else picking up my child and having them for a few hours after school but I guess they would at least need to be a parent I have chatted to in the playground, so that I vaguely know them.

But then I do know that my child wouldn't be bothered by the situation and would happily go to someone else's house they'd go off with anyone to be honest

If I felt uncomfortable as the parent, I think I would make some excuse about my child being a bit unconfident and needing a parent there the first time.

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