To invite myself to a play date for 5yo?

[Mummamayhem]

DD is starting to get invites to play at school friends houses which is great but when I don't know the family well and haven't been to their house, I feel uncomfortable to agreeing to just dropping DD off when she only knows the child and not the adults. Is it rude to ask to come too? (Just for 1st time) It feels really awkward, especially as I have a younger child too tagging along.

Yes I know they are supposed to be protective! That's why I said I totally wouldn't mind parents and siblings coming! I'm usually a bit surprised when parents drop and run at parties and playdates with new people tbh.

I live in a very posh area with 'nice' families so maybe im just lucky I don't seem to have to worry about those things tinsel. I wouldn't let her go to someone's house if I didn't feel the family were nice people. I recently didn't allow my ds(8) go to a friends house as I know they have one of those funny dog breeds that sometimes 'snap' - but I just came up with an excuse, I wouldn't go and invite myself for coffee to supervise!

I always find this odd - in no other setting would it be acceptable for a stranger to take your child to a place you don't know for a couple of hours - but for play dates it's ok??!

I don't necessarily think you should invite yourself too but I would organise something on neutral ground - park etc and just see how things are. I've done this and realised there is no way on earth I'd let ds go off with them alone. I've also done it and made great friends.

No just no

I live in a very posh area with 'nice' families so maybe im just lucky I don't seem to have to worry about those things tinsel

WTF has it got to do with poshness?
People in "naice" areas give young kids free un supervised internet/gaming access too you know! Or you wouldn't know, if you just think they look naice so you don't check and get to know how they do things….

YANBU in my opinion. I feel exactly the same. My dd (4.5) has been invited, in the "we must have dd round to play soon" way, to a new person's house and I've been thinking the same thing. I've met the mum & chatted at school but I don't know where they live, anything about them etc. I plan to suggest that I come along the first time, even for part of the play date, and that will be with toddler ds in tow. I don't think it's weird at all and wouldn't if someone asked me. I'd probably offer though. If they thought it was weird & didn't offer again then that's fine; I probably wouldn't want dd to be around them in that case. I need to know who she's with and ensure both she & I are comfortable with it. Go with your gut. She's only 5.

Do you not know the parent from chatting in the playground? You must know them a bit otherwise they wouldn't have been able to ask your dd round, or let you know where to pick up from.

As I never do the school run (teacher elsewhere) I did find it odd that parents were happy to leave their DC with me, when they'd never met me, I would have loved them to stay for a coffee so I could get to know them better too. Now, they playdates mostly go from school, but there is a bit of staying and chatting when the DC are picked up.

I live in a very posh area with 'nice' families so maybe im just lucky I don't seem to have to worry about those things tinsel

Lol, you're hilarious.

Not.

Sorry tinsel but you're being a bit daft if you think hanging around for coffee for a couple of hours is going to give you a true representation of a family. Do you really think they're going to act how they normally do with you there? I also think there's a bit of inverted snobbery going on here. It would piss me off to be honest if I thought someone was coming along on a play date to check whether we're the 'right' kind of people. As I said before, you can try and invite yourself along if you like but I think most people would find it strange and not invite your child again, I would just think 'over protective mum- best avoided'!

Do you not know the parent from chatting in the playground? You must know them a bit otherwise they wouldn't have been able to ask your dd round, or let you know where to pick up from.

You can rarely tell from how people present in the playground how their home life will be.

There's a phrase that goes "the bigger the front the bigger the back" - sometimes the once presenting the best public face have the worst home life.

as above

Are you sure you are not expected to stay op? I have a reception age ds and the only play dates he has been on I have stayed as well.

Sorry tinsel but you're being a bit daft if you think hanging around for coffee for a couple of hours is going to give you a true representation of a family.

I've found out from going in for coffee which mums have absolutely zero controls on the kids ipad access, which ones let them use full-on youtube in another room, and which ones supervise it a bit.

I've found out which ones kid freezes and looks terrified when their "new dad" walks in

I've found out which ones run freely throughout the neighbours houses and which have more of an eye kept on them

And it isn't the ones you would have thought!

HTH!

oh and BTW, when a parent has come to "check up" on me, I haven't been offended, I've been reassured that that friend has sensible parents. THEY are the ones that DDs will go to without me sooner than the drop'n'runners

There's a phrase that goes "the bigger the front the bigger the back" - sometimes the once presenting the best public face have the worst home life.

And how would staying with the child enable you to see the 'real' them?

Generally I found all my fellow parents were ok enough to have my kids for a couple of hours. Even if there's a chain smoking granny and a pile of chips for tea no real harm there for a short time.

If the kid came out of school effing and blinding and talking about shooting up hoes I'd probably decline, but if not, meh.

See I found this hard too. It's really weird if you think about it to allow some stranger access to your very small child.

I did it but with a lot of trepadation.

Now my younger DD is 9 and I still sometimes think "Erm...nope!" when a friend I don't know the parents of wants her to have a sleepover.

I have got a bit tougher and follow my own rules now. I say no to sleepovers unless I know the parents....one child wanted DD to come to the local riverbank (very rural here in Oz) with him and his Mum.

I don't know his Mum from Adam....DD has only just got friendly with him....I had to go with them.

I've just asked outright in this situation. Said someone along the lines of the fact I'm a fussy mum and it's no reflection on them I just always like to go to the house where I'm leaving my dd and I don't need to stay for ages, maybe just have a cuppa and then go, would that be ok?
They said yes of course, if they had said no then I wouldn't have let my dd go there, surely any reasonable parent would understand and say yes to this?

I was going to try and come up with some lie about dd really wanting me to go too, then thought fuck it I'll just tell the truth, I want to see where I'm leaving my 4/5 year old to play. I had a toddler at the time too.

Surprised people think it strange. When my DD started going on playdates around that age I was specifically invited with her for the first time to ones where we didn't know them at all. In a couple of cases we invited a child where we knew the parents and we agreed that the parents would stay for a cup of tea and then leave the child. One of dD's friends ( they're 7 now) still comes with a parent - her mum thinks it's taking the piss to leave your child at someone's house 'just using them for free childcare' is how she sees it.
I would explain to the other parent that your child hasn't been on playdates by herself before, and could you stay for the first half hour just to be sure she is comfortable to stay by herself.

I'm not worried about the 'sort of person'!
(And the 2 families I'm thinking of we've said brief hellos and are on school Facebook page so not complete strangers- though partners/other children would be)
I'm worried DD will be shy to ask anything, wouldnt eat the dinner/be scared of the dog/rat/lizard! (Dogs are a big one for her actually) I'm worried the girls will not get on and DD will want to come home.

I have no issue with her having loads of treats/screen time or junk food.

Even if there's a chain smoking granny and a pile of chips for tea no real harm there for a short time.
If the kid came out of school effing and blinding and talking about shooting up hoes I'd probably decline, but if not, meh.

titchy!

Funnily enough (going by this thread…) DDs haven't been short of repeat invitations despite my attendance at early playdates, and I've built up a good network of school parents who I know and trust and we now lift share and help out with pick-ups etc and now that we've moved onto sleepover age, I know their friends parents well enough for it not to be an issue.

She may be shy, but this is how she'll learn to conquer it. She may not eat much - one of ds2's friends will barely eat a bite here, even if I but exactly the things and brands his mum advises and he's been coming for years - but you can feed her again at home. She may not enjoy it but any reasonable parent will contact you if she gets really upset and would anyway help facilitate things so no major arguments occur.

She might have a great time....

It varies around here; the ones who I would describe as the 'naice' mums (i.e. the ones who I think I'd get on with , although I don't know them) almost universally will ask you over with your child at least once before suggesting parent-free playdates.

Conversely, I asked a couple of kids who my DC like if they wanted to come round (again, I didn't know the parents at all) and they were sent round with no questions asked (apart from 'When are you bringing them home' ). My DC have never been asked round for a reciprocal visit, although we've had those kids round loads of times.

I have come to the half-serious conclusion that if you invite kids over whose parents you like, then reciprocal invites get offered. If you just invite the kids whose names get mentioned by your DC, no reciprocation will happen ever (unless there's a happy overlap of the two groups - this has happened to us only once though!).

I must say I'm happy to dump and run but would always offer to reciprocate

mummamayhem if you explained the reason you want to stay is that your dd is a bit shy/nervous I would accommodate you but I would prob find it a bit of a ball ache to be honest as I would just want to go about my business and not feel like you were casting an eye around whilst I entertain you and your child. But maybe I'm not the best person to answer this as after having 4 dc's I'm a bit 'over it' Iyswim - someone with one child would probably think differently!

oh and BTW, when a parent has come to "check up" on me, I haven't been offended, I've been reassured that that friend has sensible parents. THEY are the ones that DDs will go to without me sooner than the drop'n'runners

Yup