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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or are the in laws?

65 replies

Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 21:44

(To preface we are Australian living in U.K. and all extended families are in Australia)

Dd is 21 at end of May. DM has had a five week trip to uk to celebrate Dd's 21st booked since October/ November time. She hasn't seen the kids in six years so it's extra special (in laws visit every 12-18 months). During that time we are spending 4 days in NYC as part of Dd's 21st bday celebrations and have given my DM the NYC trip as a gift . In laws have known of this and FiL has been communicating with my mum so knows all dates but has never even made a whisper to us nor my DM of wanting to be here this year. Received email today saying THEY want to come to uk mid to late may and aware of overlap of two days with my mum. Also suggested they get fucking round the world tickets and join us in NYC.

AIBU by being livid at the thoughtlessness displayed here. Dh is angry at me for being angry at his parents and doesn't see this entire suggested shitshow as selfishness on their part. if they come earlier and leave pre bday having had an early celebration with dd (her bday is mid exam period so nothing is happening on the actual date anyway). I have also suggested they leave me a couple of days to get the house in order for my mum and not steal her thunder by being here adorning my sofas.

Going to sleep on it and not send off any rash messages but will be messaging MIL in the morning.

OP posts:
PopGoesTheWeaz · 14/03/2017 21:49

I don't think it's deliberately selfish - they (and many others) would assume the more the merrier and that it would add to the festivities having everyone there. I do absolutely see your point (have had the same with DSis and SIL, thought not with the 6 year gap).

I think you could approach it with a "oh, it would be really fun having everyone here to celebrate but as DM doesnt get to come over often, I really want to be able to focus on her then. Can you come over in and maybe we can do a weekend in to celebrate"?

Trb17 · 14/03/2017 21:52

YANBU. Unless invited they shouldn't hijack a very special visit.

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 21:59

pop love that message suggestion. Thank you

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Deedee3311 · 14/03/2017 22:00

They need to THINK about things properly beforehand. My mum and even my mil actually would realise that they should allow a few days for you and your mum alone and for you to prepare for her visit, not suggest to join you right on top of it. Yanbu and if you can't get dh on board to set the record straight with his parents then you need to do that.

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:04

Trb thank you. Dh has made me doubt myself. I wouldn't dream of gatecrashing, let alone to this extend

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BonnyScotland · 14/03/2017 22:05

I think your DH is being unfair... to not feel your frustration... I would agree that your MIL & FIL are trying to get in on the 'Special NY trip' which has been carefully planned for your DM....

just be honest with them .... it's a 'not right now' x

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:06

Dee I wish they would have thought. Any other time not a problem. None. Now Ive got this bloody arse ache.

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Sweets101 · 14/03/2017 22:11

Sorry i agree with your DH. Don't see it as gatecrashing just extra members of family enjoying time together.
What about them will ruin your DM's visit? You bought her a ticket not the rights to NYC.
Overlap of 2 days out of 5 weeks? Fuck me;

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:13

bonny it really feels that way.

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Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:15

sweets I see your point, but really it's more the lack of thought for my DM.

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wobblywonderwoman · 14/03/2017 22:16

Them coming over during the five weeks is ok,I feel but the cheek to join in with New York is NOT on at all!!!

Sweets101 · 14/03/2017 22:20

DM isn't their concern, tbf. It's their GC's birthday, a big birthday at that, they shouldn't be penalised for having visited more often even if it is down to more funds.
She's there for 5 weeks and it's a 2 day overlay. It's your DD's 21st it's not about your mum it's about her being surrounded by the people that love her, especially for the sake of 2 days (or more) out of 5 weeks.

Lesley1980 · 14/03/2017 22:21

You are all going to NY to celebrate your daughters 21st & you have even paid for your mum to go & not your inlaws. They make the effort to visit every 12-18 months so why are they not included? she is their grandchild too & if it's part of her 21st celebration they should be allowed.

Am I also right reading your mum is here 5 weeks & the UK overlap is only 2 days? Hardly hogging the sofas.

underneaththeash · 14/03/2017 22:23

have I missed something, isn't your DD their grandchild too. If so, they're going to want to join in to and I think they are being quite thoughtful in when they join in.

SteppingOnToes · 14/03/2017 22:24

Im confused - why does you seeing your DM trump your husband seeing his?

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:26

sweets yes I see your point and I wouldn't deny them the fact of seeing their gd for her 21st.The fact is no one in the family will see dd on her actual bday as she is away at uni and will be mid exams so we all have to make alternatives around that. Honestly if they came and left a few days earlier and there was no overlap and time to prepare for dms arrival there would not be an issue at all.

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wowfudge · 14/03/2017 22:29

I suspect OP's DM is not as well off as PIL, hence less frequent trips to UK.

MMM3 · 14/03/2017 22:29

Maybe they'd like to see her too? They're tangentially family (your mom and your in laws). Maybe they want to plan something with her or even just catch up with her. I don't see the big deal of a two day overlap on a five week visit.

Also consider that the flights could be much less on those particular days. Where I live, International flights on Tuesdays are often half the price of Monday or Friday. Even (especially?) people with gobs of money try to make wise purchases, it very well could be that.

Strygil · 14/03/2017 22:29

I've noticed a trend on these AIBU threads, which is that the person asking AIBU nearly always knows that they are, and is posting in order to solicit support for their unreasonableness.

This OP fits this template exactly; it can't be easy being a control freak, but you do need to remember that there are more ways of doing things than your way and the wrong way.

Interesting too that you have not mentioned what your daughter feels about the situation - obviously because your feelings about the matter are far more important than hers, who is only, after all, the focus of the celebration. Says it all.

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:30

No one is trumping anyone. I would be more than happy for them to come and leave earlier. The suddenness of the idea of coming irks me as it reeks of the in laws stealing my dms thunder. I don't know why they think this is a good idea.

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Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:31

stry thanks for your thoughts

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adagio · 14/03/2017 22:33

I think some posters are being harsh here - yeh it's 2 days of 5 weeks but they want to come first, and be here already when your mum arrives. That's not very nice for your mum. They will already be happily settled in making cups of tea and eating all the biscuits while your mum (who hasn't been for ages) is still trying to catch her bearings. She may feel a bit of a spare part to there obvious 'settled in' vibe. Plus, you have no break between guests to sort the house out and make yourself ready. Plus they are jumping on your holiday of a lifetime uninvited and sort of trumping it with an all the way around the world trip (not just a weekend). Are they trying to make you feel crap? I would set them straight.

peachgreen · 14/03/2017 22:36

It's two days out of five WEEKS. It's not stealing your mum's thunder. It's just a nice way to have the whole family together. For TWO DAYS. Come on, OP. You must see that there's an underlying reason for your reaction. Do you dislike your in-laws?

The New York trip is trickier, I can see why you're annoyed but I don't think there's much you can do - you can't stop them being in the same country as you.

MMM3 · 14/03/2017 22:37

Also, use MIL to help get ready for DM. She'll probably love it and may even pick up the check.

If you think it's appropriate, maybe plan a fancy dinner out on DM's arrival. Probably the in laws will pick up the check for that happily and DM will get a fancy night out of it.

(Fwiw, I'm the one in my family who picks up the check on visits and I think it's great fun to treat my family. In my boyfriends family, his parents do)

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:38

adagio yes exactly. Repeating myself now, but really it wouldn't be a problem if the dates were different and nyc was never mentioned.

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