AIBU or are the in laws?

[Approximateh0usewife]

(To preface we are Australian living in U.K. and all extended families are in Australia)

Dd is 21 at end of May. DM has had a five week trip to uk to celebrate Dd's 21st booked since October/ November time. She hasn't seen the kids in six years so it's extra special (in laws visit every 12-18 months). During that time we are spending 4 days in NYC as part of Dd's 21st bday celebrations and have given my DM the NYC trip as a gift . In laws have known of this and FiL has been communicating with my mum so knows all dates but has never even made a whisper to us nor my DM of wanting to be here this year. Received email today saying THEY want to come to uk mid to late may and aware of overlap of two days with my mum. Also suggested they get fucking round the world tickets and join us in NYC.

AIBU by being livid at the thoughtlessness displayed here. Dh is angry at me for being angry at his parents and doesn't see this entire suggested shitshow as selfishness on their part. if they come earlier and leave pre bday having had an early celebration with dd (her bday is mid exam period so nothing is happening on the actual date anyway). I have also suggested they leave me a couple of days to get the house in order for my mum and not steal her thunder by being here adorning my sofas.

Going to sleep on it and not send off any rash messages but will be messaging MIL in the morning.

Is it possible for DH to take his parents out for a day trip the day your mum arrives?

Would your DC's not enjoy having all their grandparents together though?

YANBU. It isn't just about DD, there are your feelings and your DMs to consider. I'd ask them to come and leave a few days (preferably) a week earlier so that you get time to prepare properly for your DM's visit. No way should they be coming to NYC either.

How's it all going OP? Have they responded? I'm totally with you on this one. Hope it all works out for you.

If they get on well why was your mother in tears at a 2 day overlap? It all seems very dramatic.

I think you're perfectly reasonable to insist on some time alone with your DM. The in laws can come another time and your mum can come as per your arrangement. Same as NYC. Sorry to hear this has upset you and your mum

If that was your mum's reaction, I can see from where you've inherited the tendency for dramatics.

YANBU OP. I love my in laws to bits, but if I only got to see my mum every few years I wouldn't be impressed if they infringed on a minute of that time. Maybe if they were nearby and came for an evening or two in the middle of the visit that would be ok. But not the start or end of the trip (which will naturally both be a bit emotional), and certainly not the NY part. Hopefully when this is gently pointed out to them they'll realise it.

I think the people here giving the OP a hard time don't appreciate how emotionally charged things get when you live a very long way from close family and only see them every few years.
OPs mother has not seen her or her grandchildren for three years. This trip to New York will be an incredibly special, once in a lifetime thing and I can completely understand their mutual dismay at the PILs threatening to gate crash it.
It's not even like the trip is on the granddaughter's birthday so no specific need for them to all be together for it. Surely they could do something separately?

And I think it's very unkind to accuse a woman of dramatics who has not seen her daughter or granddaughter for three years.

I'm an Australian in London with all parents and in laws in oz. if I saw my parents that rarely and pil wanted to tag on to dms visit, especially the ny part I wouldn't allow it. I also wouldn't go ballistic though - id just say something like - I've just seen your trip dates. I hope it doesn't sound rude but the truth is I'm very much looking forward to this time with my mother. If dd were here for her birthday it might be different, but she's not. I think if you come before date X this year would work , that way you see dd before her birthday , Dm sees her after so it's fair, and I get my long waited catch up and trip with my dm. Thanks for your understanding! Xx

Not necessarily true, ToastDemon - and I can offer myself as an example of that.

Some people might be of the belief that more family around would make for a special, memorable experience - one that they are usually denied, living away from both sets of family.

Even if that's not the way the OP sees it, I still think in the grand scheme of things, it's an overreaction to be sobbing down the phone instead of having a conversation with all parties like reasonable adults.

PIL are now coming in August. Everyone is happy with this. everyone.

Excellent result!