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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or are the in laws?

65 replies

Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 21:44

(To preface we are Australian living in U.K. and all extended families are in Australia)

Dd is 21 at end of May. DM has had a five week trip to uk to celebrate Dd's 21st booked since October/ November time. She hasn't seen the kids in six years so it's extra special (in laws visit every 12-18 months). During that time we are spending 4 days in NYC as part of Dd's 21st bday celebrations and have given my DM the NYC trip as a gift . In laws have known of this and FiL has been communicating with my mum so knows all dates but has never even made a whisper to us nor my DM of wanting to be here this year. Received email today saying THEY want to come to uk mid to late may and aware of overlap of two days with my mum. Also suggested they get fucking round the world tickets and join us in NYC.

AIBU by being livid at the thoughtlessness displayed here. Dh is angry at me for being angry at his parents and doesn't see this entire suggested shitshow as selfishness on their part. if they come earlier and leave pre bday having had an early celebration with dd (her bday is mid exam period so nothing is happening on the actual date anyway). I have also suggested they leave me a couple of days to get the house in order for my mum and not steal her thunder by being here adorning my sofas.

Going to sleep on it and not send off any rash messages but will be messaging MIL in the morning.

OP posts:
mrsmalcolmreynolds · 14/03/2017 22:39

OP tbh it sounds as if this is more to do with your own need to reconnect with your DM and possibly feeling that she has been usurped by your PIL than anything specifically about this trip. I think your PIL could have been more sensitive but they haven't really done anything wrong and to say anything would be an overreaction IMO.

Swirlingasong · 14/03/2017 22:39

I think you are getting a hard time here. I totally understand and would feel the same. I presume you will be hosting the ILs for their stay? However lovely people are, houseguests are tiring. If I hadn't seen my mum for six years and was excited about her visiting, I'd want to make sure I had time to get everything ready for her and focus on her, not pick her up from the airport in that slightly weary from visitors state.

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:42

peachgreen no problem at all with the in laws. We all get on well. The excitement of having my own DM here obviously is greater than I would feel for their presence and I make no excuses for that. No one of us will see dd on her bday as she's doing exams so we would all be celebrating without her which seems a bit pointless when in laws could see her before her bday and dm could see her after her bday. without having the overlap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:47

mrsmal yes definitely there is an element of this. It has been three years since I've seen dm, not quite the six, but it is still huge for me to have her here

OP posts:
peachgreen · 14/03/2017 22:54

But maybe they want to see your mum as well? Also I can understand them wanting to be here for your DD's birthday, even if the chance of seeing her is low. Can you try and put your finger on precisely what it is about it that's upsetting you? Maybe there's a way to mitigate it. From an outside perspective it doesn't seem like anyone is stealing any thunder, given it's only two days, so I feel there must be more to it even if you aren't quite sure what it is yourself.

peachgreen · 14/03/2017 22:56

That said, if it's less about the overlap and more about you wanting a gap between visitors, whoever they are, I totally understand that. I don't think your in-laws are being malicious though and I think if you're talking to your DH about it in the same way as you are here, I can see why he's a bit upset because it really does come across like you think they're awful people doing this deliberately to upset you.

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 22:59

Dm and ils live half an hours drive from each other and speak regularly.

It's the being here when dm arrives plus not having the time to get the house ready. I so wanted to have it all perfect for her. And the trip we planned being changed all together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 23:01

I'm angry that they haven't shown consideration to my dm tbh.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 14/03/2017 23:15

I think they probably think they ARE showing consideration to your DM - it will be nice to have all the family together but we don't want to eat into their time alone so we'll only overlap by two days etc etc. I really don't think they're being inconsiderate or deliberately selfish and other people in your situation would either not mind or really like it. Sorry OP. I can see your feelings are quite intense and I do understand why you feel that way, but I don't think there's a kind or polite way to change things and I really don't think they're doing it on purpose.

Fishface77 · 14/03/2017 23:19

Op tell them!
They aren't mind readers!
You can do it without being offensive.

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 23:22

peach thanks for your posts

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Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 14/03/2017 23:23

fishface yes will see how they respond to dh's email and then message

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Fishface77 · 14/03/2017 23:25

Hope it works out, it should if they are reasonable Flowers

RTKangaMummy · 15/03/2017 00:30

I kind of understand the thingy about them being settled in the house when your Mum arrives

Is your Mum going to still be with you when DD graduates? Cos it would be great if you could get a ticket for her to come to the graduation ceremony with you? I know that is off topic but it could be something to think about as a positive Smile

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 15/03/2017 00:44

kanga hi no, unfortunately graduation is two weeks after dm departs

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RTKangaMummy · 15/03/2017 00:59

Oh dear that is a shame Sad

Hope you work out a way to have DILs out for the day when DM arrives so she can orientate herself within the house

Could DH take his parents out for the day to a nearby city or national trust place or seaside or wherever is suitable for a day trip so you can collect your Mum and get her settled at home so it is just 2 of you for few hours until dinner time?

missperegrinespeculiar · 15/03/2017 01:29

but if they speak regularly and are friendly they might have thought it would be exciting to be in the Uk all together for such a special event, they might have even thought that coming earlier and not staying for her arrival might have been rude! Maybe I am being too charitable, but it seems to me that they may have picked what they felt was the best time, stay just enough to see her and greet her but leave early on to give you space. Ok, they clearly misjudged given your reaction, but I don't think they have done anything wrong at all! what does your mother say?

emmyrose2000 · 15/03/2017 09:51

If I was the DD, I'd love the idea of having all my grandparents together for a change, especially for a special event such as my birthday (or Christmas etc). As a daughter and DIL, I also loved it when my kids had all their grandparents (or both grandmas/grandads) together at once. Some great family photos from those occasions.

I understand your POV, but really, it's only two days out of five weeks. I'd arrange with my DH for him to take his parents out for the day when my mum arrived. That way, it'd only be the evening and one full(?) day together, and then your mum has the remaining multiple weeks with just you.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 15/03/2017 10:05

the fact that the il's can't delay their own plan by two days says it all really - this is all about THEM.

They're not thinking about how you or your mum feel about this.
Your dh is also being unreasonable - why can't you have a holiday with JUST your mum? HIS parents anual visits are never hijacked like that.
Plus it's been 3 years - if he seriously can't understand why you don't want anyone else there then he's a dick.

PIL could arrange to take dd with them somewhere else on their round the world trip to celebrate with her - there's no need to gatecrash the ONLY 'quality time' she gets with her other grandma.

Stick to your guns OP and don't let them hijack this.

stolemyusername · 15/03/2017 10:24

You haven't seen your mum for 6 years, YANBU to want to enjoy all of the time you have with her without the distractions of looking after other people also. I'm in Australia and when my dad visits (2 years between trips), I make sure that I have nothing planned so that I can spend my time with him, I wouldn't want anyone else here.

I'm not sure that your PIL are purposefully gate crashing, more that they get along with your mum and didn't see that it would be an issue to all be together, just ask them if they could change their plans slightly so that you have time to clear up, replace the bedding etc before your mum arrives.

nelipotter · 15/03/2017 10:41

How on earth are they 'stealing her thunder'? I don't get this at all. It's family visiting - ask your PIL to help prepare the house. Or even to hang with your DH and the kids so you and your mum can have a night out together when she arrives!
Surely she will have jetlag for 2 days anyway so won't be ready to party until she has recovered. I think this is VU

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 15/03/2017 10:49

Spoke to my dm about this earlier, just to keep her in the loop, and had to deal with her in tears and talk HER out of delaying her arrival. She and fil spoke late last week about the upcoming trip and dates involved and there was no hint they were considering coming to the uk this year. In fact his words were probably next year. It all smells a bit off.

One thing dm said was how much happiness she had been getting from envisioning siteseeing and shopping in NYC with dd's and I and how it had been so long since we had done that.

awaiting an email reply from PIL to dh's suggested altered dates, before I contact them.

OP posts:
flibflob · 15/03/2017 10:58

They definitely shouldn't come to New York - sounds like it's been planned for ages and a really special thing for you, your DD and DM.

I understand your frustration about the overlap but agree with PPs that is is a personal slight, just thoughtless. What does your DD think of it? Assuming you are hosting your PILs when they stay, could they stay in a hotel/B&B in the final part of their trip so you could catch up with your DM but all still see each other?

flibflob · 15/03/2017 10:59

*this isn't a personal slight

Original poster
Approximateh0usewife · 15/03/2017 11:14

Yeah i completely agree this is thoughtlessness. Staying elsewhere wouldn't be conisdered. I wouldn't want them to stay anywhere else tbh, they deserve to be comfortable and welcome as does my dm. By being here first i can't offer my dm the same luxury until they leave, and given the amount of time since we have had dm I desperately wanted to have everything right for her.

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