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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave everything to ds1?

75 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 14/03/2017 20:56

I am thinking about making a will, not because I'm ill or anything I just feel like it's time to do the responsible and grown up thing and sort one.

I don't have much of value, and this is not likely to change unless I win the lottery! However I do have a small amount and a few sentimental items such as wedding rings etc that I would like to leave.

I have 2 ds' but I was thinking about the possibility of leaving everything to ds1 because ds2 is severely disabled and is not likely to ever be independent or in control of his own affairs/finances etc. I would feel a bit mean leaving everything to ds1 but in reality ds2 will not be able to make use of anything I leave him whereas ds1 would. At the same time I don't want to come across as a heartless bitch for not giving anything to ds2. Wibu?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/03/2017 20:59

I would split any money between them, even if just to provide a small amount of security for your ds2 but sentimental things if ds2 won't be able to understand/want them then I would leave to ds1

zzzzz · 14/03/2017 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenInsomnia · 14/03/2017 21:01

What would happen to DS2 in the event of your death? If he is unable to care for him, would it be down to DS1 to care for him? If so I think you're right in all assets going to DS1, as I'm sure there would be additional costs in looking after his severely disabled DB. If DS1 would not be responsible for for DS2 then maybe leaving assets for DS2 would be a good idea, to help him still have a good quality of life with additional help outside.

Leggit · 14/03/2017 21:02

Oh my god really? You don't consider that perhaps some money in the bank would be beneficial for your disabled child Confused that could be the absolute difference in terms of his care and quality of life!

Gatehouse77 · 14/03/2017 21:02

Would you consider putting money into a trust for DS2 for which DS1 could be a trustee?

Meloncoley2 · 14/03/2017 21:04

I don't think UABU to consider this, but I see why you are feeling uncomfortable.
What about leaving a sum of money stipulating that it should be used to buy a specific 'thing' that would benefit DS2

Sweets101 · 14/03/2017 21:04

I think that would be unfair to both of them. DS2 will still benefit from his own funds, leaving it all to DS1 will make him financially responsible to DS2 in a slight of hand kind of way.

zzzzz · 14/03/2017 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meloncoley2 · 14/03/2017 21:06

I don't mean you should be the person to specify what should be bought, as obviously his needs will change as time goes by.

Inchstonesbeatmilestones · 14/03/2017 21:06

It's hard isn't it. I'm in the same situation and I know my youngest would not even realise that I hadn't left him anything.... But I'd know.
I don't have the answers and wish I did but what I plan to do is leave something small that is of sentimental value to me, that can sit in his room or where ever. Thought maybe my childhood bear ( if it survives that long). That way I'm giving something I loved, that gave me comfort.
In reality,the best gift I can think of giving is making sure he always has someone to watch over him, who loves him unconditionally......... Right, off to cry into my pillow Wink

Topseyt · 14/03/2017 21:10

Look into trusts etc. Take advice from sources such as mencap. You might be able to make some provision for something that would benefit your DS2, even though it would have to be administered by a third party.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 14/03/2017 21:11

To be completely honest I have no idea what will happen to ds2 (assuming he is an adult) when I go. I try not to think about it too much really because the thought fucking terrifies me! If I had a choice I would prefer ds1 to look after him but I know it's very possible he may not want to or be able to.

I would love to be able to leave something financially for both of them, and in the future I may have a bit more in the bank to divide up but as it stands if I dropped tomorrow I would have absolutely nothing money wise to leave for ds2. At this point in time all I can offer is 'stuff', such as wedding rings and nothing that is worth anything (for selling etc).

OP posts:
Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 14/03/2017 21:25

Inchstones, I might just join you there Sad

Exactly, zzzzzzz. If I left (for example) £1000 for ds2 it would disappear in a week paying for care costs and ds2 would never know the difference whereas £1000 for ds1 could buy him a car, go towards a house deposit and so on. It would make a real difference to his life. But I would feel bad not treating them equally! It's so hard.

I

OP posts:
Topseyt · 14/03/2017 21:29

Remember though that part of the purpose of a will can be to specify how dependants are to be cared for and by whom.

So you may be making arrangements for DS2 without actually leaving him money, which you say he would be unable to manage. Anything at all that you could leave in trust would probably be useful there, but again, take financial and legal advice.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/03/2017 21:33

If you have a child that lacks capacity why the hell are you not using your will as a chance to sort out someone to assist them.

From someone who has 2 children that are unlikely to ever have capacity and 3 who have disabilities but could potentially have capacity

AndKnowItsSeven · 14/03/2017 21:35

If you put it into a discretionary trust then no money will be taken for care needs.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/03/2017 21:37

Mencap do a thing you can go to and hear all about the subject, it's very informative and done by someone whose qualified to advise and it's free

MrsTeller · 14/03/2017 21:40

Making a will forces you to consider what will happen to your children if you die while they're under 18 (or older I guess for disabled children) which is difficult but reassuring once you've worked it through.

I'm leaving everything to DD so had to consider what would happen if we both died at the same time, in a car crash or whatever, your solicitor will talk to you about trusts etc. it's worth doing.

inkydinky · 14/03/2017 21:42

This is what life insurance is for! I have hardly any savings, and only a very small amount of equity in my house post divorce. My life insurance policy (which costs £13 monthly) would pay out £200k if I died. £100k to each child. I'd never save that much so it's a no-brainier. Why not do something similar so you are leaving funds for both, with the money put in trust.

ZackyVengeance · 14/03/2017 21:47

if you leave anything to your disabled child it will be taken for their care.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 14/03/2017 21:55

I really don't know how this all is supposed to work. Advice through mencap sounds like a good idea, I will look into that.

If someone is named in a will to look after X relative, do they HAVE to do it? I would feel bad if ds1 felt forced to look after ds2 if he didn't want to or he couldn't because of work/studying etc.

I'm a bit confused though, if you leave money in a trust will it get taken for care costs or not?

Sounds like I might be better off leaving it all for a bit until I'm better off financially as I can't afford solicitors and life insurance at the moment Blush

OP posts:
AndKnowItsSeven · 14/03/2017 21:56

Ffs Zacky no it won't if it's a discretionary trust.

IadoreEfteling · 14/03/2017 22:03

Op I had relative with LD in care and had so much money they had to keep spending it to keep it under the threshold, I believe he was left v small inheritance but he was looked after in benefits.

Do the DB get on? Would other DS want to genuinely look in on his brother, ie in care home etc, to make sure he is OK?

If so I would leave all cash to DS1 with the proviso he takes his brother out occasionally, takes him for meals if possible...and looks out for him - without being his " responsibility" as it were.

ZackyVengeance · 14/03/2017 22:08

Seven are you sure? I just going by people i know
Intersting if your right

Sara107 · 14/03/2017 22:08

The most important thing in making a will is not deciding which child to leave your sentimental bits and pieces to, but to put in place security for their futures. You need to think about who you would like to care for the children if they were to be under 18 when you died. This is really important - family members do not automatically get custody, social services would decide if a guardian is not appointed in your will. I would say that planning to secure your disabled childs future is even more important, they need someone to take care of them.

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