To leave everything to ds1?

[SharkiraSharkira]

I am thinking about making a will, not because I'm ill or anything I just feel like it's time to do the responsible and grown up thing and sort one.

I don't have much of value, and this is not likely to change unless I win the lottery! However I do have a small amount and a few sentimental items such as wedding rings etc that I would like to leave.

I have 2 ds' but I was thinking about the possibility of leaving everything to ds1 because ds2 is severely disabled and is not likely to ever be independent or in control of his own affairs/finances etc. I would feel a bit mean leaving everything to ds1 but in reality ds2 will not be able to make use of anything I leave him whereas ds1 would. At the same time I don't want to come across as a heartless bitch for not giving anything to ds2. Wibu?

As your children are under 18 I think you should leave everything to them equally, in such a way that their guardians can have access to the capital to help with the cost of their upbringing. Once ds2 reaches 18 you can think again.

I agree Bastard.

zzzzzz

I'm always amazed at the number of people who think it's awful to expect family members to care for each other. I would be genuinely amazed if one of my siblings/parents was institutionalised rather than be cared for by us.

I think making this assumption having never been in that situation yourself is far odder tbh.

While there are legal adult guardians who can be put in place, unless you are a bajillionairre, I think you should leave it to the sone to whom it could make the most difference. If it's going to be eaten up in months and your disabled son is going to become a ward of the state, then I think it's silly to throw money away.

Hi there, have never posted before but have just done this so thought I may be able to help. I have three daughters, one with Learning Difficulties. With legal advice we have split our "estate into three, with the daughter with LD's share put into a Trust, the other two then have Power of Attorney so that they can use her share as they see fit, for clothes, holidays, whatever. If we left her share direct to her it would be taken into account when calculating benefits, housing etc so she may well lose out. It's not a case of " why wouldn'nt you want to leave anything to make their life better" , it's just that you need to plan properly & get legal advice to make the best provision. A Will is a good idea for everybody, no one likes thinking about it but I'm glad we've done it & don't have to think about it any more. It did cost us a fair amount however, maybe someone like Enable can help ?
As to who will care for my daughter when I'm not here any more, I can't even type that without crying..... My " plan " is to hope something evolves over the years. I can't bear to think about it so can offer no advice on that one. Take care x

can i just say that as your child becomes an adult, living at home is not always the best option,not only for the disabled person, but also siblings.
its one of those hard things that you have to decide. we are going down that road as we don't want ds to be a carer. But also because we want dd to have a life and not just be at home with a care coming in.

zzzzz your comments were incredibly judgemental and offensive. The use of the term "institutionalised" were very harsh and also quite far off the mark given that the majority of adults with learning disabilities (who aren't at home) live in supported living rather than "institutions". You don't sound like you know much about this, therefore I can see why Bastard bit back so harshly. It's easy to judge without the knowledge and experience. I also don't know why people like you take offensive to professional care. If someone needed a skilled physical health intervention undertaken daily, would you insist you'd be able to do it better than the nurse? Of course that's not to say that, in some cases, families can't be trained and adequately skilled but some people's needs are too high to be met by one person.

Leggitt, it's not a case trying to claim benefits and not pay for care for my daughter. If , for example, I left £100,00 direct to her, that would last, I don't know, a year or two to pay for residential care for her? Then it would be gone, and someone ( I'd be dead) would have to sort all that out. If it is in trust it can be used for everyday things the rest of us would take for granted, clothes, toiletries etc. I would need to leave literally millions to pay for private care for her . So it's just a sensible way to plan.
I completely get the not necessarily wanting her siblings to take over care for her in their homes. Only those who have lived through this completely get this, it has completely taken over my life, I am lonely, tired, have no time for myself, or my husband. I don't want my daughters to have this life unless they choose to. But I don't want her to be lonely in a home either. Now I'm crying again..

Sahara

She won't be lonely in a home, that's such an old.fashioned view. The.main reason my dd lives in a residential facility is because she was.so isolated at home and.spending all her time with me wasn't healthy.

She goes go karting, swimming, horse riding, out for walks with her peers and on shopping trips. She has meals out with her friends, sometimes she gets invited to one of the other bungalows for tea, sometimes she cooks for them. She also attends college each day and comes home for an overnight stay at least once a week.

She's living a full life now, it's the one she deserves. She wouldn't have had that at home sadly as I just can't split myself in two (( also have her profoundly Autistic sibling at home ))

I appreciate that Hecate but as previously pointed out I will never be in a financial position to provide for the whole of ds2's care for the rest of his life, it would rack up to hundreds of thousands I just don't have

No, but you can financially provide for the things that Sahara mentioned.

A friend did this with her severely disabled daughter. Before they got too old to take care of her, they got her into some residential accommodation. She had learning and physical difficulties. The elder daughter moved away and was free to pursue her own career.

Recently my friend passed away. Her and her husband had just moved into a flat having given up their house.

Their daughter is now in her own home . Her dad in the flat. He's mid 70s and not in the best of health.
If the daughter had stayed with them all this time she might have taken badly to moving in her mid 40s

Just a suggestion. Though it seems harsh at the time. She was probably about 25 when they did this.

I know, Bastard, I have some experience, I do know what you mean. I guess Im thinking emotionally, thinking of my girl without her parents makes me very sad. Plus she says to us " I'll never leave you Mum".... I know it's the right thing really. There's a Camphill place near us which is great. One day, I guess.
Hecate, what kind of things are you looking into, out of interest ?

OP, this sounds a difficult position to be in and you've had good advice. Your will should state who would be appointed as guardians for your DC should you die before they reach the age of 18. Every parent should have had this conversation with the people they would hope to care for their DC and get it legally confirmed.

IMO this does not extend to necessarily providing actual care to a profoundly disabled person, it's simply too much to ask. They should be people you trust to make good decisions, though.

I also believe parents should have life insurance so that their DC can be provided for properly if they die and someone else takes on their care. A trust and well worded will would ensure this could happen.

Perhaps I'm morbid but I would also look at possible care facilities should the worst ever happen to have some say in where ds might be best cared for. Sadly he sounds as if he would need a level of care that would be very difficult for anyone other than ( even) yourself could provide, especially as he gets older.

My mum's will trust specifies that we only get our inheritances if we commit to provide specific caring services to a named relative over the course of our lifetimes - ie visit weekly, make dinner, wash clothes, arrange care, call her every day between us (the trustee is me, and I need to ask for the submission of call records to prove that last part). If one of us doesn't do their bit they don't get anything.

My in laws have one disabled child. They are adult now and live in care. My inlaws have left everything to their two able bodied children but have made an expression of wishes that
We will look after the other sibling as required. I think this is sensible. Any money you leave directly will be eaten up by the state.

If you put money in a trust it wont be taken by the state.
That is the whole point.
The trustees / guardians have to agree on how it is used on day to day things not for care needs.
The child can then have an inheritance like their siblings but not be left vulnerable to abuse .

Frankly I would put it all in a trust for DS2 - DS1 has the freedom to go out and make his own life and fortune - 2 doesn't and by leaving it to DS2 you are freeing up DS1 of the financial responsibility of his Brother at least for a while.

Depending on the age of DS1 I would also discuss with him around provision for 2 and how that could be handled once you have passed on and what he sees as the best way to handle it. I would also look into getting some life assurance that would leave DS2 a lump sum for care in the long term

Hi, this discussion does seem to have gone a little off the original topic, and I will carry that on

I'm a learning disability nurse and trained social worker with a background working for Mencap prior to qualification ( just a bit of background from where I'm coming from). One thing I can say is that forward planning is key. In all the roles I have been in I've seen difficulties when this hasn't been done. This ranges from older parents that have buried their heads in the sand and when the time has come it has been an extra distressing time for the individual when they have needed to go into supported living or care, or people have assumed family will care for their child (at whatever age) and this hasn't been fully discussed leading to a different set of problems.

Families have an active role when someone is cared for by Mencap or alike. Regarding money, assuming its not a massive sum affecting care package benefits its nice for the individual to have some money so they can buy something to make their new place more homely or use it to finance a holiday with their care team etc

Each family set up is different and planning for long term care can easily be facilitated by services which gives everyone piece of mind, e.g. in the OPs case that DS2 would be placed near DS1 so they could always have easy contact if supported living was the decided option.

Eek thanks Hecate, I will look into that, it was set up via a lawyer so hope I've done the right thing. I think the consensus is that it is wise to do something rather than nothing, and do what works best for your family. It is such a hard situation to be in.

I agree that a discretionary trust for DS2 would be the best thing to do. Three trustees is best, to avoid deadlock when it comes to decisions.

Hard thing to think about, but you can also specify that if DS2 predeceases DS1, any money remaining in the trust can pass to DS1 and the trust dissolved.