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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too think too much contact too soon?

57 replies

wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 08:36

AIBU - contact, too much too soon?
So my husband told me at the end of Oct 2016 he wasn't happy and needed to have some space and work his shit out. Mid November he tells me the marriage is over.
I start to notice him getting texts from a woman. (I am not prying, he just leaves his phone on the coffee table when he disappears off to his office and it flashes on screen)
Begining of Janaury he is still at home, but he takes our kid out and "bumps into" his friend from work and her kid, at work, on a Sunday am.
Swears nothing has happened with her and he wanted to move out before it did.
End of January he moves into his own place.
2 out of 3 weekends that my ex has had our kid his "now" gf and her kid were there also.
This morning my kid (6) tells me she hugged the gf at the weekend, the gf thought it was cos she was wearing a fluffy jumper but actually my kid "loves her".
My heart rips open.
Anyone else thinks this is all a bit fast or AIBU?

OP posts:
araiwa · 14/03/2017 08:38

he's moving on, you should try too

be happy gf and kid get along

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 14/03/2017 08:43

It would be too fast for my liking, although 10 years would also be too fast for my liking as well if I'm honest.

I get that it hurts like hell, but ultimately there is nothing you can do other than find ways to cope with it.

One day you'll get into another relationship too and your ex won't have any say in the choices you make there either.

Flowers It's so difficult op.

Trifleorbust · 14/03/2017 08:45

Are you suggesting you think she was the OW?

Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 08:49

I think emotionally at least he was involved before he told me there was an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 08:50

He has also told me that he wants to "approve" my boyfriends as he does not trust me to pick a suitable one.
No joke.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 14/03/2017 08:52

And I assume (and hope) you told him to flush his head?

RueDeDay · 14/03/2017 08:54

It is too soon, but it's nothing you can control and it could be worse. I moved out of the marital home on a Thursday, the next Tuesday when DD went back for contact the OW had already moved in Confused

So smile politely, tell your kids that it's good they get on, consciously choose to let it go.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 14/03/2017 08:54

He has also told me that he wants to "approve" my boyfriends as he does not trust me to pick a suitable one.

Well he can go and fuck himself if he thinks that is going to happen.

Arsehole.

Peanut14 · 14/03/2017 08:54

It's tough going for you OP.

Ya tell him you don't pick suitable boyfriends and he is a prime example of that.

RueDeDay · 14/03/2017 08:55

And laugh in his face when he tells you that he gets a say in anything!

SoulAccount · 14/03/2017 08:57

Of course she was the OW.

He can swivel as far as 'approving ' your boyfriends, but obviously you will behave with more care for your children's emotional wellbeing than introducing them to a carousel of changing partners.

Good advice by PPs

unfortunateevents · 14/03/2017 09:04

He wants to "approve" your boyfriends?! Presumably you have already set up the vetting process for his new girlfriend as well?!

Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 09:07

Jesus! RueDeDay Less than a week! Ffs

OP posts:
CookieLady · 14/03/2017 09:08

Flowers He's lying that they weren't involved before he moved out.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/03/2017 09:13

Have you asked him why he gets to vet yours but you don't get to vet his?

Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 09:13

Oh apparently I would live his new gf. He has already told me we have a lot I'm common.
Yeah I am trying to move on. But we are still married. And I just can't switch away from that and move on. Def not for a while.
I have been biting my tongue a fair bit as I know whatever I say will end in an argument with him and our daughter usually there and I don't want her to hear us rowing.
Thanks for all advice x

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 14/03/2017 09:18

If he tries to tell you again that he should "approve" your future boyfriends then tell him "yes i haven't pick well before have I? " and glare straight at him.

Keep on being strong for your daughter. It is good for her that she does like the gf (even if it tears you apart). Try to remain neutral and not let her see you bothered by her.

I hope you have seen a solicitor and are getting everything sorted out so that you can move on to your new life too.

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear · 14/03/2017 09:19

He doesn't get to vet your boyfriends. That's nonsense.

But at the same time, if I were you, I'd focus on the fact that this current gf clearly treats your daughter well. Far better that you suffer the "ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!" of her saying she loves her, than crying and saying she doesn't want to go because "daddy's girlfriend is mean to her".

My daughter tells me what she does with her dad's gf (who was OW) and, tbh, she seems to do genuinely nice (not flamboyant) things with her and seems to like her. My daughter has said that she is nice to her.

She's not said she loves her, she's 11 and not so free with her emotions, but she likes her.

Oh and just ignore the "you'd love her" and "you have loads in common" comments. Of course you have 'loads in common', you are both his taste in women! That's nothing special or unique about her because she's an angel amongst women!

Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 09:20

Funnily enough I haven't had the pleasure of meeting her yet..

OP posts:
Rainydayspending · 14/03/2017 09:24

Definitely he is 50% right. Make it very clear you'll be more careful in the future than to pick such a complete self serving arrogant fool. Which wont be hard. "Darling, don't worry 99% of the population would be an improvement as an example for dc" should underline that nicely
She's not likely to be around long so be prepared to shoulder that emotional fallout as he appears to be oblivious to the idea you or your child might have feelings.
Set up a formal contact that suits your child as it all sounds very messy and he appears to be attempting to fake dad skills in front of his current conquest.
In other aspects - get him out of any reference to your emotions/ plans and decisions. He needs to stop keeping you in the back burner in that way.

Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 09:31

He very much still wants to be involved in my life, not just dd's.
He doesn't seem to want to see daughter until the weekend. Not instigated any visits during the week.
Its like he only wants to "parent" when he is with her.
And yeah, as for vetting any future guy for me, he can jog straight on there!

OP posts:
GreenPeppers · 14/03/2017 09:36

It was going on before you split so for him it won't look as quick as it does to you.
It is too quick for your dd though. And he has no way to know whether this will be something that will last or not. It could be quite disturbing for your dd to see several gfs, one after the other iyswim.
It IS good that your dd is getting on well with the gf. What you need to remember though is that she doesn't love her the way she loves you. She likes she is much more likely to be the right word. Love takes time to flourish at the very least.

But yes unfortunately, just smile and don't engage. For the sake of your dd but also for yours - the more detached you are from him, the easier it will be. Starting arguments with him isn't going to help.

Re him validating your choice of a bf, maybe ask him - did he ask for your approval for his gf first? Nope? Well same goes for you.

GreenPeppers · 14/03/2017 09:38

Tell him to get lost when he is staying to be involved in your life.
He has no rights on that and you need to stick to your own clear boundaries.

Are you surprised that he only has your dd at weekends when she is there? Is he using her as a babysitter by any chance? Less work for him and he can look good....

notsureifthisnameistaken · 14/03/2017 09:40

Throwaway account as I don't fancy being flamed (Long time user, Penis beaker, naice ham, pom bears etc)

You have to look at both sides of this. For sure he was seeing the OW well in advance. Sure he is a womble of all sorts.

BUT, re : his "vetting", he wants to check out someone who is potentially going to be in very close contact (perhaps even living with) his daughter. That is a protective parent. Not entirely sure he should be pilloried for that.

But yeah, it is WAY too soon to be integrating his daughter into his new GF's family. That is something that should be gradual and managed, with OP's involvement too..

Justanothernameonthepage · 14/03/2017 09:43

Definitely go talk to solicitor and financial advisor asap. Also start on the assumption of 50/50 parenting. Tell him all contact excepting child emergencies should be via email to allow clarity. Try to cut down on any contact with him (have kids ready to go and out the door as he arrives. Plan to take the kids out as soon as he drops them back to avoid listening to his BS). As tempting as it is, try not to focus on the GF, she's a symptom not the problem (that's all him).