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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too think too much contact too soon?

57 replies

wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 08:36

AIBU - contact, too much too soon?
So my husband told me at the end of Oct 2016 he wasn't happy and needed to have some space and work his shit out. Mid November he tells me the marriage is over.
I start to notice him getting texts from a woman. (I am not prying, he just leaves his phone on the coffee table when he disappears off to his office and it flashes on screen)
Begining of Janaury he is still at home, but he takes our kid out and "bumps into" his friend from work and her kid, at work, on a Sunday am.
Swears nothing has happened with her and he wanted to move out before it did.
End of January he moves into his own place.
2 out of 3 weekends that my ex has had our kid his "now" gf and her kid were there also.
This morning my kid (6) tells me she hugged the gf at the weekend, the gf thought it was cos she was wearing a fluffy jumper but actually my kid "loves her".
My heart rips open.
Anyone else thinks this is all a bit fast or AIBU?

OP posts:
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 14/03/2017 09:43

He very much still wants to be involved in my life, not just dd's. - Well, he can just go and fuck himself, can't he? He has absolutely no say in your life any more!

DTD1 once told me she loves her dad's latest (in a long row of) gf more than she loves me. It ripped my heart to pieces, but she was very young and has ASD, so I didn't take it too personally. She did change her mind later though.

What pisses me off is that he freaks out if he finds out I gave the girls an easter egg (choc is very unhealthy according to him), but then the latest gf takes them out to McDonalds and feeds them crap, plus gives them cake and sweets every weekend, and buys them expensive gifts, but that's perfectly OK.

You learn not to let it get to you. If you do, then you'll end up a nervous wreck. Just realise that he'll probably cheat on her as well. Rather than be angry with her, just feel sorry for her, and happy that he's her problem now Grin.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 14/03/2017 09:44

OP - That is quick. I'm so sorry. How are you in all of this? Your marriage has ended, and your running along trying to keep up with all the changes and heartache that brings, as well dealing with the nuclear fall out that is an OW.

Mari50 · 14/03/2017 09:44

Re vetting is fuck all to do with concerned parenting and all about control.

Justanothernameonthepage · 14/03/2017 09:46

He's not cutting his ties which suggests he's got lazy about having his life all his way. Time he learns how to compromise and consider his daughter. Try to remember that your daughter will be exploring her new boundaries and unintentionally may hurt you as she does so. Keep consistent as difficult as it might be. But you'll always be her Mum.

humourless · 14/03/2017 09:46

I never believe men who say they didn't cheat before they left, I've seen it too many times to even bother with benefit of the doubt.

And to rip your family apart and slide into a new one taking your kids with him is pretty shitty, what if they hadn't got on? Why is he diluting time with his child with the OW? I just don't get it.

joystir59 · 14/03/2017 09:47

Does he still look for emotional supprt/validation from you OP? How do you feel when he is around you? When my ex wanted to continue to have lots of contact with me after she had moved in with OW it really really hurt me and I felt much better when I went NC. I understand you have to have contact to minimise impact on your DD, but perhaps you can call him and tell him not to talk about you/your decisions/your feelings when he is with you and DD. He can keep conversation to matters relevant to mutual parenting of DD. He has lost the right to vet your life or expect your emotional support. And its interesting he only wants to parent DD when OW is around isnt it? Perhaps he wants to avoid difficult questions that DD may pose if he is 121 with her.

Trifleorbust · 14/03/2017 09:48

BUT, re : his "vetting", he wants to check out someone who is potentially going to be in very close contact (perhaps even living with) his daughter. That is a protective parent. Not entirely sure he should be pilloried for that.

Bollocks. He doesn't get 'approval' over his ex's relationship choices.

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear · 14/03/2017 09:54

poster notsureifthisnameistaken

It's a control issue.

If it were genuinely about protecting the child, then he wouldn't have introduced someone else so quickly.

If he genuinely has concerns about the OP's ability to make decisions about the people who are safe to be around his child, then he needs to contact SS or apply to court for a residency order.

Simply demanding that he gets to vet her boyfriends is nothing to do with that.

Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 10:07

Thanks guys. I am trying to let it all run by me and not stick but it is so early for this to be happening, for me, but I think several pps were right and this has been going on a while.
He does look for validation joystir. He keeps telling me how guilty he feels, and when a mutual friend did something nice for me he thanked her profusely for helping me as "she has been through such a rough time".

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 14/03/2017 10:13

He very much still wants to be involved in my life, not just dd's

Let me guess - he's assured you he'll see you right and told you not to bother with an expensive solicitor?

OP, YANBU - it is too much too soon and everything Smith and others said. Sadly, nothing you can do about it, though, except take back control where you can, i.e. in his dealings with you. Spiking the future boyfriend vetting demands is an excellent place to start! Was he quite controlling when you were still together?

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear · 14/03/2017 10:19

when a mutual friend did something nice for me he thanked her profusely for helping me as "she has been through such a rough time".

Oh what an utter prick! Grin Grin Grin

Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 10:20

He seems to be very reasonable about finances FetchezLaVache, but that is a tricky subject but I am happy and i am getting the legal stuff sorted. Although he has said several time he doesn't really want a divorce.
When we were together he kept saying I should dye my hair blonde and loose weight (him loose it too) when I did those things I got more confidence as well, then he left.

OP posts:
SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear · 14/03/2017 10:21

witty mine had to undergo 4 months of CBT to help him cope with the low opinion he now had of himself after I discovered his affair and kicked him out.

Seriously.

And I was expected to 'understand' and be patient with him during this time. Oh and he didn't think I understood how close he'd come to ending it all...

Heart. Bleeds.

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear · 14/03/2017 10:22

Don't be fooled by the being very reasonable about finances. Mine was too. Until the guilt subsided...

Justanothernameonthepage · 14/03/2017 10:23

Do you want a divorce? Its not something you both have to agree on to happen

TheNaze73 · 14/03/2017 10:27

Way too much, way too soon. YANBU he is though

Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 11:01

Wow SimonSmiths! So you had to try and tiptoe round his feelings?? Ffs.
Yes Justanothername, I very much want a divorce. I don't want to be married to a man that thinks it is ok to behave the way he has.
I can't move on until we are divorced. I am still married, and I can't get past that.
He has said "but its just a bit of paper".
Not to me.
When I am divorced I think I will feel much better.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2017 11:10

Oh right, that includes him then. What an arse. Tell him to feck off, plank! Yes that is too soon, but i presume it was instigated by your daughter. I totally get you. At the end of the day, you are still your daughter's mum, nothing will change that.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2017 11:11

Did he let you check out his fancy piece then, it's another form of control.

GreenPeppers · 14/03/2017 11:16

I agree about not fooling yourself that he will be nice refinances.
Not when said gf is going to be more and more involved in his life and he will want more money to be able to live the life he wants.

You need a sollicitor and sort that out. At the very least so you know where to stand and when he is trying it out.
And if you want a divorce, just do it.
He is the one who had an affair, the one who left the marriage and is ahppynzettling down with someone else. He choose to do all that wo asking you.
So why should you wait and ask for his approval to do what you want to? After all, it's just a piece of paper. It's not going to change his life is it??

Snowflakes1122 · 14/03/2017 11:20

It's all very convenient, I admit. Sounds like it was all lined up, which must hurt like hell Sad I'm sorry OP.

If he is that kind of man you have certainly had a lucky escape. Try to focus on your own happiness and look to the future Flowers

Justanothernameonthepage · 14/03/2017 11:25

Then definitely proceed with divorce proceedings. He didn't consider you when planning this, so while he's still feeling guilty get a clean break sorted. He may be acting as though he's the one with the power to decide what happens with everyone's life but in fact he doesn't.

Original poster
wittyusernamenotfound · 14/03/2017 11:44

Thanks for advice everyone.
Am gonna take my own control now and get it all done.
Focus on my girl and make sure she is ok.
Gonna be hard not to let his shit bother me. Will just try and focus on the fact that my life will be better without. Try and meet someone who loves me for me. X

OP posts:
Dumbstrucked · 14/03/2017 12:15

So he left you but doesn't want a divorce Hmm I'm sure he has no self-serving motives what so ever.

WatchingFromTheWings · 14/03/2017 12:34

He has also told me that he wants to "approve" my boyfriends as he does not trust me to pick a suitable one.
No joke.

He can fuck right off with that!

Definately go ahead with the divorce....it sounds like he wants to keep his options open incase things with OW go tits up. Wonder how she'd feel if she knew he didn't want a divorce... Hmm

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