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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say we're not buying a flat until we're equal financially?

96 replies

Teatimebear · 12/03/2017 11:22

DP and me want to buy our first flat, together. I have savings enough to pay for the deposit and DP wants to start looking now before the summer rush. He doesn't have much in savings (less than 5000) and I have also had to pay off for him a credit card debt from a few years ago which he did not tell me about until it became too obvious to hide. He does not seem to have a problem with it being this unbalanced, but really I'd be buying him half a flat!

AIBU to say I don't want to buy somewhere together unless we are contributing to it equally? If we use my money it will be ALL my savings (apart from pension). He gets whiny and defensive when I suggest he could sell some of his bikes to add to his share. Last night had a row where I said maybe I would just buy it, and he could live with me but my name on the deeds. Him "that's not what a marriage is about, we should be sharing everything" Yeah, like I shared his debts Hmm

I get very stressed about money and it took me a long time to save up all this so I want a reality check!

OP posts:
Original poster
Teatimebear · 12/03/2017 11:23

Oh, I've NC!

OP posts:
NapQueen · 12/03/2017 11:25

If its wholly your deposit then could you just buy in your name? I really dont think its unreasonable for an unmarried couple to pay 50:50 for the deposit.

Alternatively you match what he has saved. So in a years time he puts his savings into the pot and you put in whatever he has saved on top.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 12/03/2017 11:25

Ah when you paid off his credit card you became his bank. . No incentive to pay his way now then. . Sorry.

LittleMissCantbebothered · 12/03/2017 11:25

Buy in your own name. He pays you rent if he moves in with you.

Dont marry this bloke until he is financially responsible. YANBU!

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 12/03/2017 11:26

Stick to your guns. It's either half each or it's in your name.

No-one ever gave me half a house!!!!!!

And he's got an unbelievable cheek when he says "that's not what a marriage is about" - BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT MARRIED ARE YOU lol

He's trying it on, don't let him.

OhTheRoses · 12/03/2017 11:26

You may never be equal financially. If there is trust it doesn't matter. His attitude to money isn't likely to change. Is this what you want long term? If not, why buy a flat with him let alone get married x.

RandomMess · 12/03/2017 11:27

Are you married as you say "dp"

If you are not married I would buy but with the property shared along the lines of equity paid in and %age of mortgage contributed. I would also adjust for his debt that you'd paid off...

I would be worried that he is going to stay financially irresponsible tbh - you paid his debt off after having hid it and refused to contribute by selling his bikes??

If you're married none of the above matters you have legally entered a contract where 50% of equity is now his anyway...

FirstShinyRobe · 12/03/2017 11:27

Just no.

Why on earth did you pay off his cc debts? On what terms? Did selling his bikes come up in that conversation then?

Batteriesallgone · 12/03/2017 11:29

Are you married?

reallyanotherone · 12/03/2017 11:30

There is a way to do it where your share represents what you put in.

Friends of mine were in a similar situation- she's owned a house prior so had the deposit. If they sell thy split according to their percentage share.

That would seem fairer than all or nothing. If he agrees see a solicitor as to how you would draw it up.

booloobalooloo · 12/03/2017 11:30

It may not be what you want to hear, but I kind of agree with him. Marriage is about sharing. But as far as his debt goes it also means you don't get to run up massive costs without consulting the other person as well. You both need decide if you are sharing or not, he doesn't get it both ways, making you share money and then not including you on outgoings too.you need to decide if you working together.
That said, if you are buying you can both names on the deeds but a protected deposit.
With our mortgage the deposit was from some of my inheritance and a physical injury claim from an accident I was in. That money is protected and if the house is sold as part of a divorce that admit comes back to me and then anything left is split between us.

BarbaraofSeville · 12/03/2017 11:30

Sounds like you're a saver and he's a spender, which is part of your characters and likely to never change.

The fairest way to deal with this would be for him to first get out of debt and save up a deposit. If he can't do that, I wouldn't buy a flat with him.

If you get past that hurdle, so you are on a more equal financial footing and buy together, I would then:

Have all your earnings paid into one account and pay all the household bills from this account including food, fuel, joint meals out etc.

Save some money from this for unpredictable/irregular expenses like major purchases, insurance, holidays, property/appliance repair etc, but not individual discretionary expenditure.

Split what's left 50/50 and this is the money that you both get to spend on your own purchases or save if you prefer.

That's sharing fairly but quite possibly will leave him with less money to spend as he likes than he's used to.

icy121 · 12/03/2017 11:31

Buy as tenants in common. Never marry. Problem solved.

happypoobum · 12/03/2017 11:31

Dear me, No , no , no.

Do not marry this man he will bleed you dry.

I am sure you are going to say he is lovely and has loads of redeeming features, so if you must stay with him, do it on your own terms. I agree re buying your own flat and charging him rent. Also, agree why didn't he sell his shit rather than have you bail out his CC debt? Why did you pay it at all?

Do you feel like you aren't good enough for him or something. It all feels a bit off, like he is taking advantage of your generosity.

Merlin40 · 12/03/2017 11:31

Watching with interest - have friends in same position (except she is the skint one and he has the savings). They're looking at buying and it being unequal but having it written in somehow that he paid the deposit in case they split. In his mind, 'what's mine is hers' and vice versa. Not sure what happens if it all goes wrong.

dingdongthewitchisdead1 · 12/03/2017 11:32

Going against the grain here but I think yabu.
IMO money isn't important here. What is important is that you want to set up home together and make a marriage work. If you are focusing on who contributes what % and where I think you are asking for trouble.
It's a partnership for life come hell or high water. Who cares who had the bigger deposit? There is more at stake here.
If you got sick and couldn't work or lost your capacity to earn in some way he would pick you up and vice versa. Come on it's a marriage not a business venture!

DJBaggySmalls · 12/03/2017 11:32

YANBU, you both have different attitudes to money. It's a huge red flag. Do you want to be his banker and fight every inch for the rest of your adult life? What if you have kids and have to take maternity leave, would you be able to relax?
You will always be the bad guy the joykill. And you will start to resent him and his expensive toys.

Original poster
Teatimebear · 12/03/2017 11:32

We are planning on getting married after the move, at least we agree a wedding isn't as important to spend on as a property! TBH though I'll probably still call him DP as I don't like the idea of being his DW. Perhaps I'm too rabidly feminist to buy a house with someone :p

His cc debt wasn't huge, but was in terms of his income then, whereas I had the money and it wasn't a financial hit to me. He's now in a better job. I wouldn't even be worried about that in the past if it wasn't for his attitude now.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 12/03/2017 11:33

Are you planning planning on getting married? It doesn't really bode well by the sounds of it.

BarbaraofSeville · 12/03/2017 11:34

If you got sick and couldn't work or lost your capacity to earn in some way he would pick you up and vice versa

Not if he's in debt because he's spent all his money on bikes.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/03/2017 11:34

If you marry, what you have becomes half his anyway.

And it can go both ways. If you decide to have children and want a long maternity leave do you think he should support you?

I think you need to have a really clear conversation about the level of financial intertwining you want, and whether that would be appropriate to a long term committed relationship.

RandomMess · 12/03/2017 11:35

Listen carefully he is telling you who he is!!

He is entitled to put his hobbies and wants above yours, your money is his and his is his too...

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 12/03/2017 11:35

Me and DP are in this situation. The deposit for our new house will be from the proceeds of the sale of his house he bought before i met him. However i earn more than him and my overall earning potential is much higher than his. Fact is we will never be equal financially. Even if we were we can't predict the future so one day one of us may be financially dependant on the other. We just have trust in one another and in our relationship.

gunsandbanjos · 12/03/2017 11:39

Due to our chosen careers I currently and will continue to far out earn my partner. I'd happily buy a house 50/50 with him.

However, he is not a reckless spender and lives well within his means. I'd probably be less inclined to feel this way if he squandered his money.

He brings far more to my life than money.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/03/2017 11:41

From my own experience, DP and I got together, decided to buy a flat. I paid off some of his debt, put down the deposit. We pooled what we had. I was also the higher earner.

When I wanted to be a SAHP he was cool with it and basically funded me for several years.

Now we have our own business, split 50/50. He is the moneymaker and does a lot more hours than me. We take the same income from the business. We pool our money.

Maybe you are uncomfortable about more than the money? If you trust him then it shouldn't be an issue.

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