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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say we're not buying a flat until we're equal financially?

96 replies

Teatimebear · 12/03/2017 11:22

DP and me want to buy our first flat, together. I have savings enough to pay for the deposit and DP wants to start looking now before the summer rush. He doesn't have much in savings (less than 5000) and I have also had to pay off for him a credit card debt from a few years ago which he did not tell me about until it became too obvious to hide. He does not seem to have a problem with it being this unbalanced, but really I'd be buying him half a flat!

AIBU to say I don't want to buy somewhere together unless we are contributing to it equally? If we use my money it will be ALL my savings (apart from pension). He gets whiny and defensive when I suggest he could sell some of his bikes to add to his share. Last night had a row where I said maybe I would just buy it, and he could live with me but my name on the deeds. Him "that's not what a marriage is about, we should be sharing everything" Yeah, like I shared his debts

I get very stressed about money and it took me a long time to save up all this so I want a reality check!

OP posts:

happypoobum · 12/03/2017 11:42

The red flag isn't the fact they have unequal savings. The red flag is that he has been financially irresponsible racking up CC debt he couldn't afford. He then allowed OP to pay it off when he could have sold some of his toys to pay it off.

He knows they are supposed to be saving for a deposit but it sounds like he isn't making much headway, and like he doesn't think he has to bother as OP will sort it all out.

I agree with DJBaggy from what you have written here OP you will always be the one "spoiling his fun" and "being tight".....

AntiHop · 12/03/2017 11:43

My partner and I bought our place before we were married. We've always shared money, I can't see how you can live together and have separate finances, although I know a lot of people do.

We've had different financial situations over the years. He's paid off debt that I accrued before we met. I've paid most of the bills whilst he's been studying in the past. I've mostly earned more that him and I've always seen my income as ours.

However, if you feel your dp is putting your financial future at risk due to an unwise attitude to money, that's a different matter and that would concern me.

Oysterbabe · 12/03/2017 11:44

If you're getting married it makes no difference as your assets will be joint so yabu.

rollonthesummer · 12/03/2017 11:44

How much more do you have saved than him?

Sorry-but considering such a high % of marriages end in divorce, I wouldn't be buying a house or marrying this chap with his attidude towards you. You will kiss goodbye to your years of savings and he would walk away with a nice lump sum that he hadn't put in!

NewPuppyMum · 12/03/2017 11:44

Why do you want to marry a toddler? Whining?

You'd be stupid to carry on here. No sign of appreciation of you paying off his debts. He wants everything equal when it suits him.

HappyFlappy · 12/03/2017 11:47

The secret credit card debt would worry me a lot more than unequal deposits.

As others have suggested, either you match his deposit savings pound for pend, or buy the property and rent him his space.

BeaderBird · 12/03/2017 11:50

No, of course you don't have to buy a house until you are 'financially equal' vomit. Your attitude towards your relationship, his debt problems and your obvious resentment does not bode well for the future though so perhaps you shouldn't be buying together either way.

My husband isn't my 'financial equal' never has been and never will be. Not once has it ever crossed my mind that everything we have is shared and willingly so. Even when we weren't married.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2017 11:50

The red flag is that he's a spender and not willing to make any sacrifice financially; won't discuss it, gets whiney and defensive. This is a HUGE red flag. He knows they're supposed to be saving for a deposit, a joint effort, but he's doing FA to that end but still wants to share everything.

His idea of 'marriage' is what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine, too.

There is zero way I'd marry a person with this attitude.

Elledouble · 12/03/2017 11:52

You can have it written into the house sale contract how much each of you owns. I put in the whole deposit for our house (all my life savings) but chose to still put us down as equal tenants. We're not married either but my partner has agreed that if we were to split the house would be mine, as that would be the best thing for our son. I trust him on that, but it doesn't look like you can with your partner. Get legal advice before you buy with him.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2017 11:53

Oh, yeah, and the secret credit card. Thread after thread on here from women whose then boyfriends did this, only now they're married and he's run up tens of thousands in debt behind her back.

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2017 11:53

This isn't the man you should marry, OP. He's utterly selfish and irresponsible and greedy, too. He sees you as the person who'll always rescue him - with you he'll always remain a child. Find yourself a grown up.

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2017 11:53

And it doesn't matter how nice he is or how much you fancy him. This is a life-long decision you're making - there are plenty of nice and fanciable guys around.

Honeybee79 · 12/03/2017 11:54

Buy in your name. He then pays you rent if he lives with you.

The undisclosed debt would set alarm bells ringing with me and I wouldn't want both names on the title in the circumstances you describe. Also, his refusal to sell a bike to contribute would also piss me right off. Why should you finance the whole thing?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/03/2017 11:56

You sound mismatched. I'd consider getting some legal advice and counselling before marrying. This could be a disaster waiting to happen.

Drquin · 12/03/2017 11:57

I wouldn't be so fussed about the 50:50 split. As others have said, there's ways to protect your finances if you buy a property with an "unequal" financial contribution.
I wouldn't even be fussed if he couldn't contribute equally; in so much as there's plenty couples who don't, for millions of reasons, earn roughly the same therefore couldn't be expected to have a 50:50 split of everything? Imagine one of you earns 20k per year, the other earns 200k per year .... how would you split the contributions then?

It's attitude to money (e.g. Secret credit card debt), and risk, and willingness to adapt to "joint" finances, and desire to create a home together which is a bigger issue than the pure numbers.

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2017 11:57

I wouldn't buy, rent to him and then marry him. When you get fed up of him (which you will), he'll take half the house.

Batteriesallgone · 12/03/2017 11:57

Listen to your gut. Why is it reminding you of the cc debt now? Because deep down you know you can't trust him not to be reckless.

It's not your job to save him or change him. It's not your job to lighten up or fall in line with him.

Listen to your gut.

Lemondrop09 · 12/03/2017 11:59

I think his attitude is the issue here. I inherited half our house, and we (DH and I, prior to getting married) took out a shared 50% mortgage on the other half of the property. We are tenants in common, 75% mine. I always felt that, as long as we were together, the house was as much his as mine. But if we broke up, I didn't feel he should be entitled to my inherited part of the house which was left to me and nothing to do with him. DH was absolutely fine with this.

We have since married, so if we divorced and he wanted to take me to the cleaners, he could. However, he's not like that and I know he simply wouldn't. I know deep down he feels awful that he couldn't contribute 50% to the house - which is silly, as he simply was in a different position to me and my contribution was only through inheritance. I have also put more financially into renovating the house, because I can. But he has put in as much as possible and made it equal where he can. I know if he came into some money, he would do the same.

And there's the difference. Sometimes people can't contribute equally financially for various reasons, and it's fine for one person to contribute more towards a shared goal if they want to. And in relationships, sometimes you do something yourself for the benefit of your life together.

But your DP is taking the piss. He's perfectly fine with you taking up the slack, in fact he's pushing for it. He's already let you dig him out of debt, and now he wants you to buy a flat for him and let him have shared deeds! This seems very disrespectful, and it's worrying he can't see the disparity. He refuses to compromise his belonging to help but expects you to wipe out your savings?! He doesn't sound likely to change he attitude towards money any time soon either.

Proceed very carefully OP....

HerOtherHalf · 12/03/2017 11:59

You have very different attitudes towards money and it's already pissing you off. Unless one or both of you can change, you become more carefree or he becomes more responsible, the friction can only get worse. Common sense suggests the onus is on him to change but that is between the two of yiu to figure out. Personally, I think you should slow down on plans to marry or buy a house until you can have more confidence in this relationship having a long term, happy future.

FinallyHere · 12/03/2017 11:59

So long as you remain unmarried, you can agree and control who owns what. You can agree to 'pay back' deposits and then split any profit from the house in the proportion to which you have contributed to household expenses. The easiest way to keep this clear, is to pay all bills, including the mortgage. From a joint account to which you each contribute. The proportion in which you contribute determines the proportion to use to split any profits. Alternatively, you can take the growth in your deposit as the va,ue of the house has grown, then split the rest in proportion.

As soon as you get married, it gets more complicated pretty and if you disagree, you need to go to court and that is likely what they will order.

I would not want to marry and hence merge my finances with someone who doesn't see the point of reigning in their spending on hobbies etc but expects you to share your savings. The whole not telling about debt til it could no longer be hidden is a hugh red flag to me.

Looking back on my own experience, not wanting to get married and be entangled was symptomatic of not really wanting to be in a relationship with him at all. I could find myself wishing I had spotted that sooner and that I had done something about it as soon as I did notice. All the best.

Tigger1986 · 12/03/2017 12:00

When me and my DP bought our house a year or so ago, he didn't have anything in terms of a deposit, I had the deposit in terms of some money from the sale of my mums house (she sadly passed away a few years ago ). We aren't married although we both pay an equal share into the house and earn roughly the same. When we got together I earnt a lot more than him and it was only when he got his current job that he would have been able to afford to pay half of the mortgage and bills. I wouldn't have bought the house if then I was paying more than him to live there as my feelings were that I would be missing out on having the benefit of more disposable income from the job I have worked my ass off to be in. Now we are equal financially which enabled us to buy the house, but i own a higher percentage share of the house due to me putting all my inheritance in for the deposit as if we did split I wouldn't get all that money back. If you are going to be paying the same into the house I suggest you do the same then you have protected your assets should something happen in the future.

PossumInAPearTree · 12/03/2017 12:01

Well I wasn't the financial equal of my then DP (now dh) when we entered into house purchasing together. 20 years on I'm still not his financial equal and never will be.

I don't think that's necessarily an issue, especially not if you're talking marriage. I can however understand concerns about debt he tried to hide and if his attitude to saving now isn't good then I can u derstand concerns about that.

What are your incomes like compared to each other? If you earn double you're never going to be equal. If you were with a bloke who earned 4x what you did how would you feel if you were engaged and he said he wouldn't buy a house with you unless you could pay the same amount of deposit?

Bluntness100 · 12/03/2017 12:02

So if you're planning to get married after you buy someplace to live, and you're thinking of delaying buying the place, this means you also want to delay getting married? And it's due to financial differences,

I think uou need to think through your relationship. When my husband and I got engaged he earned more than me and had an inheritance that we used for the despisit. My name was equally in the deeds. It never occurred to either of us not to have it on the deeds, as it was our home.

As the years have went by I now earn more than him and I pay more towards buying her last couple of homes. An inheritance I got paid off a large amount of our mortgage. At all times we both acted in the best interests of us. Neither of us acted in the best interest of the individual.

We keep seperate accounts, as well as one joint account, we always have. But when it comes to the big stuff, neither of us has ever thought of it in terms of the individuals money or that it had to be equal.

The fact you do, indicates a deeper problem in my view. Your partners is right, it's not a marriage and it doesn't seem you want one any time soon, you don't even want to call yourself his wife.

LuxCoDespondent · 12/03/2017 12:03

If you're willing to marry him and buy a house with him then you will have to accept that you and he will own half of the total value of your combined assets. You give the impression that you have serious doubts about either the permanence of your relationship or the reliability of him to become financially responsible.

You should not buy a house for both of you which is only in your name. It will drive a wedge between you and show to him the level of doubts you have about him and your relationship.

Either you need to accept him, believe you are in a permanent relationship and share your life with him (and your assets), or you should not be living together.

bloodyteenagers · 12/03/2017 12:04

I wouldn't buy a property with a person who is financially irresponsible. He racked up a huge cc debt behind your back.
I wouldn't buy a house with someone who rather than sell some toys to pay offf their
Debt would rather I clear their debt. How is that being financially responsible? It's not.

And I sure as hell wouldn't marry this person. Others might like marrying selfish arses but not me.

I would buy the house in my name. Live together and see how things go over a few more years. Then look at marriage.

Also if he has little in savings and this will be used for the deposit how is he going to also contribute to a wedding. Does he forget that he will have no savings and will be paying his fair share of the mortgage every month?

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