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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say we're not buying a flat until we're equal financially?

96 replies

Teatimebear · 12/03/2017 11:22

DP and me want to buy our first flat, together. I have savings enough to pay for the deposit and DP wants to start looking now before the summer rush. He doesn't have much in savings (less than 5000) and I have also had to pay off for him a credit card debt from a few years ago which he did not tell me about until it became too obvious to hide. He does not seem to have a problem with it being this unbalanced, but really I'd be buying him half a flat!

AIBU to say I don't want to buy somewhere together unless we are contributing to it equally? If we use my money it will be ALL my savings (apart from pension). He gets whiny and defensive when I suggest he could sell some of his bikes to add to his share. Last night had a row where I said maybe I would just buy it, and he could live with me but my name on the deeds. Him "that's not what a marriage is about, we should be sharing everything" Yeah, like I shared his debts

I get very stressed about money and it took me a long time to save up all this so I want a reality check!

OP posts:

Batteriesallgone · 12/03/2017 12:06

I think to me, the important thing about financial equality is not contributing 50% of the value of the asset (absolute equality) but contributing the same proportion of income, say 20% (relative equality).

If you earn more than someone else you may never achieve absolute equality, but it's still important to feel you have relative equality. If that makes sense.

The issue here is that he is barely saving and has an expensive hobby. He doesn't seem interested in relative equality.

Bad sign.

MidniteScribbler · 12/03/2017 12:08

My previous marriage was with someone who was not financially compatible with me. The marriage did not last, and I realised just how much he could have tried to claim from me. Now, I have decided not to be in a relationship with anyone who is not of the same level financially with me. There is no way I will risk my own financial security on any relationship.

fuzzywuzzy · 12/03/2017 12:09

Don't marry him. If you do half your assets are his, including your property.

DP and I aren't financially equal we are buying together, but he does not expect me to carry him financially whilst he sits on expensive bikes which could settle his debts.

Ask for your money back from your partner. And don't marry him or buy with him. If he's running up secret debts and not contributing financially you'd be crazy to tie yourself to him financially.

Trifleorbust · 12/03/2017 12:10

You can buy the property together but draw up a deed of trust reflecting the differing levels of contribution and therefore equity in the event of a sale. Obviously upon marriage that deed of trust becomes, for practical purposes, meaningless. You need to decide whether you want to join finances because that is what marriage is about - in that sense he is absolutely right.

Hellmouth · 12/03/2017 12:12

I think the problem here is trust , not money, and maybe you don't really want to be with him long term.

DP has way more savings than me, largely thanks to family gifting him money. I have about £500 in savings and lots of debts and a CCJ, accrued a few years ago. I am much better with money now; in fact DP says I am more sensible than him.

My point is, lol, despite my past, DP still wants o try to buy somewhere with me in 2-4 years when my CCJ falls off my report. The fact that we are unequal financially doesn't matter to him; we are equal in other ways as we are a partnership, a family.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 12/03/2017 12:16

Theres no way i could have matched my dh's deposit for our house, it wasnt even a question, but ive earned the most our entire marriage and if he is so financially irresponsible he would most probably have lost his house if i hadn't taken over.

Not having the same deposit is not the issue. He is selfish. He had you pay off his debt when he could easily have done it himself, but he didnt want to.

You are focusing on the wrong issues.

daisychain01 · 12/03/2017 12:18

You will kiss goodbye to your years of savings and he would walk away with a nice lump sum that he hadn't put in!

Yes ^

The way it sounds, he is keen as mustard to build on the fruits of your labour. He is also quite happy with it being unequally balanced (why wouldn't he be happy with such advantage). And he gets the ump when he has to make any sacrifice to show you he is serious about the commitment.

Read the messages he is giving. Why would you want a DH who has such an irresponsible attitude to money and responsibility.

If he had said something along the lines of "Here's what I'm earning, and I've got £x in savings, so why don't we open up a joint savings account and I'll throw in £X minthky for the next year". At least he'd be giving you some confidence he is serious about it.

daisychain01 · 12/03/2017 12:19

monthly

kerryob · 12/03/2017 12:21

Don't marry him

29redshoes · 12/03/2017 12:24

As others have said, this isn't so much about the money as it is about the attitude.

Why should you have to scrimp and save while he gets to carry on spending and then spend YOUR money on a flat?

I think I'd want him to show he's willing to make sacrifices first. That would matter more to me than the specific amount he saved.

BakiniAtoll · 12/03/2017 12:26

For me and DH all money is joint money, for us who contributes is irrelevant. We both get paid into the same joint account.

We trust each other. When we first got a house, if we had waited until I was equal to him we would have never progressed past a 1 bed rented flat. But I am glad we chose to proceed and get a house together.

I don't think either of us know how the house deeds are set up.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/03/2017 12:31

You'd be MAD to buy a property OR get married to him.

Think very, very carefully.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2017 12:34

The inequality isn't monetary, it's attitudes towards money. He's not interested in saving, in making any sacrifice in his lifestyle towards a common goal (you shouldn't even have to suggest selling some of his toys, he should have done it off his own back because he wants to share things with you), in improving himself financially (hiding debt) or able to have an adult discussion about finances without getting 'whiney and defensive' and then gaslighting you ('It's all supposed to be shared!') as an argument.

There's a reason why you have reservations (and I'm sure it's not the first time), please LISTEN TO THEM!

Don't buy a flat with him and don't marry him.

Frazzled2207 · 12/03/2017 12:39

Whereas generally speaking if you're married things are shared, yet it's rare for couples to genuinely contribute 50/50 to the household. I think your best bet is to buy in your name.
A very good df bought a house jointly with his now ex dw, she increasingly failed to pay her share, it ended up basically being down to him, he was forced to pay off the mortgage but years later he still has issues with his credit rating. She wasn't a malicious person but useless with money and he really paid the price.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/03/2017 12:41

He gets whiny and defensive when I suggest he could sell some of his bikes to add to his share. Last night had a row where I said maybe I would just buy it, and he could live with me but my name on the deeds. Him "that's not what a marriage is about, we should be sharing everything" Yeah, like I shared his debts

You want this for a life partner - really? I think you should let him move back in with his mother, he doesn't sound like he's ready to be a grown-up yet.

But you are absolutely right to not go ahead with buying a flat yet. Only thing is - will you ever be financially equal? Would he still be in debt if you hadn't bailed him out? You sound like a saver, he sounds like a spender. Recipe for disaster.

Frazzled2207 · 12/03/2017 12:42

However on the other hand when my husband and i bought ours, just before we married, he paid almost all of the deposit as I had previously lost a packet over the sale of my old house. We couldn't have bought otherwise. We have roughly contributed equally since though. He had no reason not to trust me though, i was just unlucky due to the property crash.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2017 12:48

Here's how your thread will go if you buy a flat with this person and/or marry him:

'AIBU - DH and his hobby?
Back before we were married, DH hid a cc from me that I paid off. When it came time to buy a place together, he didn't have much to contribute and wouldn't entertain selling some of his bikes, but as I know things should be shared in marriage, I went ahead.

Fast forward 5 years. I'm back to working FT after mat leave with DC. I'm really struggling trying to juggle work, childcare and housework. We're struggling financially from the hit we took whilst I was on mat leave.

DH wouldn't take on any extra work during it because he likes to go riding.

I've asked him several times to please cut back on riding because he's not helping at all with childcare and housework. He gets whiny and defensive.

I've also discovered he took out a credit card without my knowledge and has run up a £5000 debt.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to scale things back and/or sell something to pay back some of the debt?'

RedMetamorphosis · 12/03/2017 12:51

I know two women who have been screwed over financially by partners when buying houses.

My sister was one. She ended up 30k down after paying off her former fiance's debts that he had managed to put into the house. Now she has bought a house on her own, in her own name and her DP pays rent and half of the bills. There's never been an issue because they are both pragmatic, reasonable and communicated.

elessar · 12/03/2017 12:53

Taking out the question of whether he is actually a good life partner for you with his attitude towards money, the deposit side of things wouldn't necessarily worry me.

By you putting in the majority of the deposit it doesn't mean you are 'buying him half a house' if he would be contributing 50% to the mortgage. You can protect your deposit by agreeing that you get that back as a lump sum before any equity from the future sale of the house is split, were you to break up in future. I don't think it would be fair for you to solely own the house without putting his name on the deeds if he is actually paying towards the mortgage - unless you were paying all of the costs yourself then he would effectively be buying a house for you without any benefit to himself.

All of that aside, he does sound quite irresponsible with money and I would think very carefully about whether this is someone you're suited to being with if you have such different attitudes towards finances. Resentment is only likely to escalate over time if he doesn't change his ways.

Silentplikebath · 12/03/2017 12:54

Why won't he sell his bikes? Surely contributing towards your joint home and future life together is more important to him than a spare motorbike. If not, he is telling you by his actions that he is an immature, irresponsible man child.

Buy a place in your name only and don't marry him. Better still, end the relationship and look for a man who behaves like a grown up.

NightWanderer · 12/03/2017 12:56

I agree with the others that you need to be careful as he sounds like he could be a bit useless with money and drag you down with secret debts etc.

If you want to buy a place then get it in your name for now and put off marrying him until you get a better idea of his spending and if he can save. For example try to save half each towards the wedding, see how he does.

eurochick · 12/03/2017 12:59

You don't have to own the flat 50/50. You can buy as tenants in common and choose what percentage split is fair. But I'd be hesitant about agreeing to marriage unless he sorts out his finances as he would end up with a claim on anything that's yours.

Benedikte2 · 12/03/2017 13:02

I differ from many opinions here. I think you ought to put the house in your name to not only protect your security but that of any future children. So often after a split the man demands his share and the home has to be sold disrupting the children's lives.
Why shouldn't the DP pay "rent" no doubt it would be less than he's currently paying and he does not expect the landlord to surrender a share of the equity in the rental property accrued during the tenancy.
The OP is more responsible financially and will be legally responsible for the payment of outgoings on the property

NoArmaniNoPunani · 12/03/2017 13:04

If you are going to marry everything will be 50/50 anyway. If you want the house to just be yours don't marry

RebelandaStunner · 12/03/2017 13:08

Hibvvvu.
His definition of sharing means you paying his debts and providing a deposit for both of you.
And you are already rowing about money.
Not a good sign.
I fear you will always be the financial 'parent'

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