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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I just a horrid atrocious bitch or something ?

57 replies

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 16:45

Or do people really put up with some crap ?

I read so many thread on here about things and I think "Christ I wouldn't put up with that"

Not any specific thread - usually ones about outrageous behaviour from others to the OP and often there are similar stories from posters who reply and I just sit there going Shock that

a. People behave like that and
b. Other people let them/ say nothing but fume about it.

Especially the MIL ones. I don't mean I'd be awful but I just wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that or the kinds of behaviour mentioned.

I have a mum that is quite passive aggressive in the same vein about many things. I just call her on it.

You know things like " well this is my house mum and I do things this way because I want to." When she interferes.
Or

"That's nice but we have decided to do x"

She did have a go at trying to tell me what furniture I should buy for my house and I just asked her who was paying and who's house it was for and she soon shut up.

Am I unusually assertive ? or a bitch

OP posts:
Archimandrite · 05/03/2017 16:48

You sound assertive which is a really good skill to have. I think a lot of people (especially women) put up with a lot of shit because they have been brought up to me 'nice' and compliant. But it's not good because it's hard to put a stop to shitty treatment. I think assertiveness should be taught in schools.

Creatureofthenight · 05/03/2017 16:50

I know what you mean OP. I'm not particularly assertive but a lot of posters on here put up with a hell of a lot more crap than I ever would.

Archimandrite · 05/03/2017 16:50

And no you don't sound like a bitch. Just not allowing people to get away with being interfering, controlling or unreasonable.

Original poster
Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 16:51

I do think there is a "don't rock the boat" culture in the U.K. Wedi dance around issues a lot compared to how some others would behave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 16:51

We dance *

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 05/03/2017 16:53

That good for you, but not everyone has your self confidence and ability to stand their ground.

Yes, a lot of people do put up with a lot of crap from other people. Their reasons are many and varied.

Don't really understand how anyone can find it difficult to understand that some people just aren't able to speak up for themselves.

Life really isn't that black and white.

BitchQueen90 · 05/03/2017 16:55

I'm the same OP. I'm very straight talking, I'm not the type to just "grin and bear it", I'm not going to put up with crap just to keep the peace. I don't want negativity in my life and I won't have it.

Probably why I'm divorced. Grin

ScarletForYa · 05/03/2017 16:56

Yanbu OP.

My mind is regularly blown by how timid and meek people on here are.

I'm not even slightly confrontational but I just don't put up with any crap. I don't say very much I just don't go along with anything that doesn't suit me and if someone tries to take advantage of me I just say straight out 'I don't want to do that'

I guess I don't really care if people are annoyed I won't be their mug. As far as I'm concerned if they're pissed off that's useful as they won't bother me again.

Maybe it's a cultural thing, I'm Irish. From reading on here it seems English people are excruciatingly polite, even to their own detriment.

Original poster
Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 16:57

I know some people have issues that might prevent this -I'm not that naive.

But a lot of these people that post genuinely seem at a loss as to how to assert themselves or even to express their point of view. They can't all fall under that umbrella surely ?

I think the poster who mentioned something close to social conditioning raised a really good point - a lot of it is how we are conditioned to behave.

OP posts:
popcornpaws · 05/03/2017 16:57

Yes, you sound assertive, I am also assertive and yet some how this is seen as negative in some areas of my life (work)

A colleague said to me "oh no one would stand on your toes, you just say what you think" as if this was some big problem!

I go to work, do my job as well as i can every shift, I'm not a gossip or lazy etc yet because i would dare to challenge a decision or comment its seen as a problem?
The place is rife with backstabbing, gossip, etc but thats okay because its all done on the sly?

eurochick · 05/03/2017 16:58

I'm with you, OP. I also boggle at some of the threads on here.

Original poster
Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 16:58

I actually do think it might be an English thing.

I remember a poster sending an email to someone the the US about a job or something and she said her American OH took one look and re wrote it because " X is American and won't have that faintest idea what you are on about" because the OP had been excruciatingly polite in a very British way.

OP posts:
womanwithoutasong · 05/03/2017 16:59

I agree OP. Im naturally assertive and practical and cant imagine tolerating the shit I hear from some posters.

However, I'm old, wise and experienced. Some posters are young, isolated and have little or no education (either formal or practical). Some are also vulnerable, cant drive, have mental health issues etc. etc. so for them it's extremely hard to stand up to people especially when theyve been raised a certain way and are in a caring role within the family and have never lived independently. Ive also actively trued to help women like that in the past and its soon become evident that what for you is easy, for them is almost impossible.

Very frustrating to read though I agree.

NotAPuffin · 05/03/2017 16:59

Maybe it's a cultural thing, I'm Irish. From reading on here it seems English people are excruciatingly polite, even to their own detriment.
I'm Irish and I wouldn't say boo to a goose.

Mermaidinthesea · 05/03/2017 17:00

I can't understand it either at all birdsbeesandtrees, I don't take any prisoners. Maybe that's why I've been divorced twice but quite honestly I'd rather live alone than put up with some idiot and his vile relatives. The farting post got me - any husband of mine wouldn't be still alive if he inflicted that upon me.

Original poster
Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 17:00

I'm not always assertive ( I think ?) by the way - I often fall in line behind other people in a work capacity but I would voice concerns if I felt they were important.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 17:03

I didn't see the farting post ...do I want to ?

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 05/03/2017 17:03

Its pretty bad that if we want to have our say 50/50 or not be trampled on, it makes us feel like a bitch.
Its the other person being the bitch. I do have to remind myself of that quite often.

Original poster
Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 17:07

DJ

That's a really good point.

I do think a lot of these awful people behave like that because they can !

OP posts:
MrsDoylesTeabags · 05/03/2017 17:09

I wish I could be more assertive, I see people at work, in general and on MN and I think I wish I could be like you.
At my workplace assertiveness is definately seen as a good thing and I do struggle and have to fake it at time, I mainly try to get by on charm!
I know what you mean though, I also get frustrated at some posts and can't beleive how much some people put up with.
I understand people have different life experiences that can make then accept things I would never tolerate and I always hope that MN gives them more confidence.

Archimandrite · 05/03/2017 17:11

It's taken me till I was in my 40's to start being assertive. I was brought up in a culture where man are valued more than women. Women are to be compliant, nice, lady-like and not challenge the status quo. If I stood up for myself growing up I was shouted at, thrown out the house and the 'right' decisions then made for me. By my father. It's been a long job to practice assertiveness and put boundaries in place. For a lot of women it really is a struggle to stand up for yourself. It starts at an early age and Although you can tell girls/women they don't need to put up with shit, putting that into practice can leave them in a very confusing/distressing situation.

Original poster
Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 17:12

I wish I had some kind of advice for you MrsDoyle

Weirdly I think mine came from having an overbearing mother which usually either ends up with someone like me who can hold their own because they had to Or I have a friend with a mum like that and she really struggles and wouldn't dare do anything her mum wouldn't like even at 25. It's quite sa actually all her career choices and further education were about what her mum said was best not that she actually wanted.

She is improving after spending some quality time with me though Grin - maybe I could offer some kind of retreat ?

OP posts:
MrsDoylesTeabags · 05/03/2017 17:14

I think a lot of it is life experience and social conditioning, I was raised in a single parent family and my nan was widowed at a young age, so I was always around very capable and independant women. But I was also raised in that 'feminine' way of always puttting others first and considering other people's feelings and opinions.
So I find it difficult to assert myself and put myself before others in a way that some people do as second nature. I wish that I could be that way but its a difficult attitude to unlearn

Mermaidinthesea · 05/03/2017 17:16

You don't want to see the farting post - it's vile. Someone's husband basically behaves like a neanderthal all the time.
I remember I posted on the menopause forum once that I had an argument with my husband (that husband is long gone) following me doing all the housework and gardening because he was too lazy to do it right before I was due to have a major spinal operation. He was happy to watch me mow a massive garden while being almost crippled while he sat on his arse.
One of the other posters said I should never argue with my husband because I would end up alone in my old age!!
Well I have ended up alone but at least now I only have to look after myself and not some giant toddler.

Serialweightwatcher · 05/03/2017 17:18

I don't think you're a bitch - you just won't be manipulated or bullied which is good. My mum is like that too and I have to stand up for myself constantly - nothing ever suits basically. I find it really hard to keep my mouth shut if something is unfair - not being a bitch just protecting myself. I agree with you though, I find it hard to understand who some people can put up with things when clearly the situation is completely wrong

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