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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at parents?

56 replies

pinkmartini01 · 25/02/2017 08:54

First of all let me say I don't begrudge my parents for having an active social life. They are still relatively young and it's great that they have so many friends.

I live about 200 miles away and am in my late twenties. I don't visit often as I work full time and it's a long trek. Possibly see them once every few months.

However when I do go back, every single time my parents are going out with friends. I arrive late Friday and they're usually in bed, Saturday will have activities and an evening activity with friends so I really only see them Sunday. This has been the case for the last few years really.

I know I could stop visiting but that seems cruel as they are still my parents!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed by this and should
I bring it up with them?

OP posts:
unicornsIlovethem · 25/02/2017 08:57

Do you arrange with them before you visit or do you just turn up? If it's an arranged free weekend, I think your parents are off booking up the rest if the weekend, unless you've also said that you're going to meet up with school friends etc.

If you just turn up when it's convenient for you, it's not really surprising that they have other plans.

OneLumpOrSeven · 25/02/2017 08:59

Do you arrange the visit in advance or just turn up?

fc301 · 25/02/2017 09:00

I'm so sorry that your parents are not prioritising you on your infrequent visits, but are too wrapped up in what they want to do.
YANBU but you will need to just accept that this is what they are like AND that it reflects badly on them BUT NOT on you.
You could raise it with them if you feel that they will respond positively to hearing about your feelings. However if they are not good with criticism the results may be disastrous.

Bluntness100 · 25/02/2017 09:02

I'd agree do you agree a date in advance and agree a free weekend? If they then go and book stuff that's unreasonable. If however you don't ask if they have plans and are complaining they don't cancel them for you , then you are being unreasonable,

Whisky2014 · 25/02/2017 09:04

Do they ever visit you?

Original poster
pinkmartini01 · 25/02/2017 09:24

Yes I arrange in advance as it's so far I often book a Monday off work to turn it into a longer weekend so I have to.

They probably visit me a couple of times a year.

OP posts:
OneLumpOrSeven · 25/02/2017 09:42

And how are they when they visit you?

MrsTwix · 25/02/2017 09:47

I think I'd be looking at only visiting them for the Sunday, maybe arrive Saturday night and go home Monday morning? That way you don't spend your whole weekend away and you can get your own stuff done on the Saturday.

Porpoises · 25/02/2017 09:47

Are you invited to join the friend activities?

Have you spoken to them about it?

Hard to tell without more info if this is just crossed wires or if actually they are being quite unkind.

Sunnie1984 · 25/02/2017 09:50

If you book it with them in advance then I think it's rude.

I don't have guests come to stay in my house and then just go out with other people!

Have you raised it with them? X

GrumpyOldBag · 25/02/2017 09:51

I think you need to have a clear discussion with them about the weekends in advance of your arrival.

If you arrange a visit, they should be upfront before you get there about whether they have already accepted other invitations from friends that you can't also be included in, so that you can reschedule.

When I was at this stage in life my parents used to have a busy social life. Still do. I didn't always mind if they were out as it was nice for me to just be in the family home & veg out.

elodie2000 · 25/02/2017 10:29

What do you do when they go out?
Would they have other weekend guests to stay and go out and leave them?
I know they're your parents but next time it's suggested that you visit, just say no, you'll wait until they feel like coming to you as they always seem busy when you go there.

Original poster
pinkmartini01 · 25/02/2017 10:36

When they go out I usually just chill. It's a very small village in a remote part of the UK so most of my school friends upped and left years ago when I did. I only know one person here now and she has a family so is often busy.

It's not the 'family home' as parents moved a couple of years ago but it's still nice to have some home comforts as away from home I share a house. It would just be nice to feel that my parents were grateful for my visit and pleased to see me!

OP posts:
elodie2000 · 25/02/2017 10:53

I don't think they have to be 'grateful' - It would be nice of them to want to spend time with you though so I can see why you are annoyed!
Do you like being there and having a rest? Would they kick up a fuss if you didn't go?
When they visit you, maybe you could leave them to go out with your friends?!! Grin

TheStoic · 25/02/2017 10:57

I'd be quite hurt I think, if I travelled that far to see my parents and they went out and left me alone every time.

I'd stop making the effort, to be honest.

llangennith · 25/02/2017 11:03

They probably think you're perfectly happy with the situation if you've never spoken to them about it.

jelliebelly · 25/02/2017 11:05

What would you rather they did instead? You need to suggest something different as they obviously think you are happy with the arrangements - they're not mind readers!

S1lentAllTheseYears · 25/02/2017 11:09

I wonder if it's a bit of crossed wires. I am sure they are pleased to see you but perhaps they still see a student popping home for the weekend (who wouldn't necessarily want to hang out with their parents) rather than a guest. It can be really difficult for parents to make that jump into a more equal adult relationship - I know mine still struggle sometimes and I am 47 with three almost adult dc of my own!

If this isn't something you've discussed with them before, then next time you arrange to visit, ask them to suggest a weekend when they are free as you would like to spend time with them on both days - suggest some places you might like to visit perhaps? Hopefully they will get the hint.

elodie2000 · 25/02/2017 11:10

jellie How could anyone think it's ok to make plans to go out when you've agreed to have family to stay? I don't think OP should have to point it out to them! I'm sure P's parents wouldn't be happy if she went out all weekend when they visit her!

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 25/02/2017 11:10

Going to go against the general replies here and question just how much you bother with them. How often do you really visit - twice a year maybe? And how much do you contact them between visits? It sounds like they may have given up on getting much of a relationship with you so they've got themselves a good social life instead. I assume they're not actually in their dotage if you are in your late twenties.Good for them.

Birdsgottaf1y · 25/02/2017 11:17

Do their friends still work and they only have the weekend to do these activities?

As you age, you realise that a time when you may not have your mobility/health is coming closer, so you make the most of it.

At a time when you may be starting a family, they'll be slowing down. How would you then like the obligation of giving up your weekend?

Your told to keep fit, active and value your friendships as you age, for optimum health, including MH.

Speak to them, but don't be offended if they want to continue to have Saturday with their friends.

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 11:25

I think they are behaving rudely , if it is exactly as you describe.

jelliebelly · 25/02/2017 11:28

Going home to your parents for the weekend is totally different to inviting family to visit/stay. Surely though it's not difficult to have a chat about plans before arriving - ops parents haven't realised op is a grown up not a student still.

Mrskeats · 25/02/2017 11:28

Awful and rude. When my grown up daughter comes to stay we wouldn't dream of just buggering off and leaving her in on her own. We want to spend time with her especially given that she has made the effort to travel.
I would be not bothering again.

ChasedByBees · 25/02/2017 11:29

My parents used to do this. Then I had a hissy fit one night and they were surprised and felt that as I was part of the family it was a bit like old times when I visited and no one needed to stand on occasion. They have made more effort since and don't do it anymore.

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