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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at parents?

56 replies

pinkmartini01 · 25/02/2017 08:54

First of all let me say I don't begrudge my parents for having an active social life. They are still relatively young and it's great that they have so many friends.

I live about 200 miles away and am in my late twenties. I don't visit often as I work full time and it's a long trek. Possibly see them once every few months.

However when I do go back, every single time my parents are going out with friends. I arrive late Friday and they're usually in bed, Saturday will have activities and an evening activity with friends so I really only see them Sunday. This has been the case for the last few years really.

I know I could stop visiting but that seems cruel as they are still my parents!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed by this and should
I bring it up with them?

OP posts:
Galena · 25/02/2017 11:31

When I go to visit my parents they offer to cancel some of their social activities, but I tell them not to. I have chosen to visit, and I still spend time with them. Why should I make them stop doing things they enjoy?

EustaceClarenceScrubb · 25/02/2017 11:32

Your told to keep fit, active and value your friendships as you age, for optimum health, including MH.

But surely there is some leeway in that to see your family once in a while?

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 11:32

Galena

But they offer, and that's the difference (to me)

BadToTheBone · 25/02/2017 11:35

When I used to visit home from uni I'd just trolley up to their social engagements, lol. No idea why you haven't spoken to them about it, they may think you like the time alone because you home share.

happypoobum · 25/02/2017 11:41

I agree this is odd. My adult DD is home unexpectedly this weekend and I cancelled one social engagement and invited her on another I have tonight that couldn't be changed (she didn't want to come)

I would suggest that next time you arrange a visit, you say to them, "I am planning to arrive Friday 5 and leave Sunday 7, can you keep that weekend clear so I can spend some quality time with you - it seems you are often out with friends when I visit and it would be nice to spend more time together"

Ohyesiam · 25/02/2017 11:42

What do they day when you ask then about it?
I think it's a bit rude, and is be put out.

FunkyFantasticFudgeball · 25/02/2017 11:43

I didn't move as far from my parents but I remember going back to visit and they would just carry on with whatever they were doing that day, it was hurtful that no one could take the time to sit and have a cup of tea with me. The final straw was when my mum snapped at me to hang out a wash instead of just sitting there. I reminded her I didn't live there any more and had my own washing to do. Like above they were shocked, because I was family they didn't see it as a big deal to just carry on as normal. Of course i hung out the wash and I help out whenever I'm there but they make a bit more of an effort now when I visit

Riversleep · 25/02/2017 11:46

I think older people can get stuck in a routine that they don't like to change. We live about 200 miles from my parents, and even though its much easier for them to pop up on the train then for us to go down with 2 kids, they go to a club in Wednesday's and Fridays so they won't come up for the weekend because they will miss their Friday club, so they come up on Monday but won't stay long because they miss the Wednesday club Hmm Its on every week! It sometimes irritates me because of the kids mainly but it's their choice.

blowmybarnacles · 25/02/2017 11:59

Could you suggest something to do together, day out at a local attraction, cream tea out, lunch out, dinner out...? Arrange and then they can't not go can they.

They are being quite rude, frankly.

KirstyJC · 25/02/2017 12:03

Are they inviting you to come and stay or are you just assuming you will be gracing them with your presence?

If they are inviting you then they are being rude.

If you are telling them you are coming and expecting them to drop everything to prove you are the centre of their world, then you are being rude.

Allthebestnamesareused · 25/02/2017 12:03

I agree to knocking the leaving on Monday on the head and just go home on Sunday.

Explain that you can't have the time off work so as you're only really there for one evening can they keep it free so you can spend time with them.

Jux · 25/02/2017 12:04

"grateful" for your visit?

Why don't you arrange to get there on Saturday evening, then you'd only have one evening to yourself.

Or arrive on the Sunday. Really, grateful.

Mermaidinthesea · 25/02/2017 12:04

I get the exact same thing with my parents and feel pretty second rate as a result.
I work full time in an extremely hectic and exhausting job and have a lot of stress, they are retired and can do anything they want. They are well off too.
I cannot understand why I can't have one weekend in 6 months without either being rushed off home or sitting there alone. It really pisses me off.
I would never treat my own adult son like that. I make him top priority.

Mermaidinthesea · 25/02/2017 12:06

I wouldn't care but I'm pretty sure I will be expected to give up everything and look after them in their old age.

pallasathena · 25/02/2017 12:06

Maybe your parents have made the 'empty nest', transition. Maybe, they are treating you like the adult that you are. If you don't suggest things to do whilst you're home, they probably assume that you're happy just to have some quiet time to yourself, especially as you live in a shared house with several other people.
I've noticed with my own and friends adult children that when they come 'home', for a day, a weekend, even just an afternoon, they all without exception, revert back to being mildly stroppy adolescents who expect their parents to morph straight back into mumsy, organisng, you're the centre of attention style mode.
When those self same parents don't conform to the stereotype and rock on with their own lives while making the offspring welcome of course, mega sulks often ensue.
If you have issues, talk to them about it. Feeling sorry for yourself isn't particularly grown up I would suggest.

CMamaof4 · 25/02/2017 12:08

I think its rude, and if I had parents like that I probably wouldnt bother making the effort to come down and see them.

Mermaidinthesea · 25/02/2017 12:09

And....I'm on a roll, if they ever came here which is never I would drop everything to accommodate them and cancel my social obligations because I am not bloody rude.

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 12:10

pallasathena

I think it's actually the reverse of treating her as an adult

You would not invite and adult who wasn't your daughter to come and stay and then go out, would you? Not without asking if it's OK

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 12:10

an adult

LucklessMonster · 25/02/2017 12:10

Very rude. I'd stop visiting.

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 12:12

Mermaid

I agree

Redsrule · 25/02/2017 12:12

Well my DS just rocked up at 9.30 this morning, went to an old school friend's party last night, asked for scrambled eggs and has now gone to bed. I don't treat him as a guest, this is his home. I am going to a workmates 60th birthday tonight and will ask DS if he wants to come but will still go regardless. Obviously I would not make plans for a prearranged visit but if any of the DC just turn up I do not cancel arrangements automatically.

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 12:15

Redsrule

I agree, but this sounds as if it's an infrequent, pre-arranged visit, and they don't ask (unlike you)

But that makes me wonder, OP if they are punishing you for not coming more often?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/02/2017 12:19

I think your parents are incredibly rude. But people only treat you as badly as you let them. You need to decide what is acceptable to you.

And next time they come to see you, have a full weekend of your own booked and leave them twiddling their thumbs.

Londonsburningahhhh · 25/02/2017 12:20

Pallasethena I'm guessing your not into entertaining guests who visit for the day or weekend. My uncle stayed a couple of days I went church with my children and my dp stayed behind to entertain and give him breakfast. It is rude to leave a guest who travelled that far. She not their long and I bet they would want her to drop everything to help look after them.

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