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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't have to go too, do I?

61 replies

ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 10:06

DH usually takes DS to MIL's on a Saturday or a Sunday. It gives them a chance to spend time together and it gives me a few hours off. But should I be going as well? I normally use that time to relax, go shopping, see friends, etc, but my SIL told me that MIL is unhappy that I don't go with them and how it's not proper "family" time. I think it's nice in a way, that she wants me there, but bloody hell, can't I get a few hours off every week?

I work and then the rest of the time I'm with my DS. Am I horrible for not going? I really value the very small amount of time I get to myself, but I always end up feeling guilty about it.

OP posts:
ProudBadMum · 18/02/2017 10:07

Don't worry about it. Enjoy your time alone

TheSnowFairy · 18/02/2017 10:09

YABU - for feeling guilty.

Go and enjoy your 'me' time, she has her son and grandchild with her.

PlayOnWurtz · 18/02/2017 10:10

Perhaps compromise and go to 1 in 4

Somerville · 18/02/2017 10:12

Time off is important too. Get your DH to tell her about some time when you have DC and he has time off. And don't be pressured to go.

However, it is nice that she'd like to spend time with you. If she wanted her son and GC to herself and you were never welcome then that would be worse.

Original poster
ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 10:12

Play I do go sometimes but it's a lot less than 1 in 4. Maybe more like 1 in 8! and of course if it's a special occasion then I would go.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/02/2017 10:14

So do you not see her at other times? Does she come to yours?

I think once a month is reasonable.

Original poster
ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 10:15

Somerville I totally agree - it's nice that she wants me there. Which is why I feel so guilty about not going.

OP posts:
meganorks · 18/02/2017 10:16

I think you should go sometimes. Nice to have your own time but not nice to make your mil feel like you don't like her if you never go!

Original poster
ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 10:16

I would say I see her once every 2 months or so. It would be more if either of us had the time. She is very busy during the week and we try to make plans to see each other. The last few times she has been due to come and see me she has cancelled. She prefers it when we go to her house.

OP posts:
DrivingMeBonkers · 18/02/2017 10:17

I normally use that time to relax, go shopping, see friends, etc, Compromise ? Pick up DH & DS from MIL and stay for a coffee ?

Longdistance · 18/02/2017 10:19

Your mil has guilt tripped you. Not fair. Have a word with your Dh, do he can stick up for you.

I work too, and like me time, which is very rare. If someone took my me time away, I'd be mightily pissed off.

Carry on doing what you're doing.

Original poster
ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 10:23

In fairness I don't think MIL tried to guilt trip me - she didn't know that SIL would say something. I think she's said it in passing to SIL, like "I wish potato would come as well otherwise it's not proper family time" or words to that effect, and then SIL has told me.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 18/02/2017 10:25

I would go more often. Your relationship with your MIL is probably important to your DH.

I usually invite my MIL round in the week every few weeks.

user1477282676 · 18/02/2017 10:25

I would go more often OP. I have to...so you should too. Grin

llangennith · 18/02/2017 10:27

YANBU. DS (41yo) often brings DGS for the weekend while DDIL has time to herself. I enjoy her company but understand her preferring to spend time with her friends or just being on her own in her own home. DS catches up with his old school friends and I get to spend time with DGS.
Your MIL should enjoy her time with her son and grandson and stop whinging about you.

Original poster
ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 10:29

llangennith I was hoping MIL would understand like you do, but I just don't think she understands the "me time" thing. She's never had me time - she wants to be busy all the time and never stops for anything. I'm usually busy but those few hours on a Saturday or Sunday are like gold to me - afterwards I feel so recharged. I would rather go to MIL's when I want to, rather than feeling like it's a forced thing. When I do go we have a lovely time and it's not been pressured or forced.

Maybe I should go more though.

OP posts:
barefootinkitchen · 18/02/2017 10:37

I do the same thing. Love the 'me time ' but I tend to go every other time because I know MIL likes it. I have a hobby/small business that I can say I have to get on with when I go less often.
Also I get her to come here sometimes during the week so I don't have to give up 'me time 'at the weekend.
1 in 8 isn't very often but it depends on your relationship.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2017 10:37

No, Yanbu. Carry on, don't let her control you. God, very weekend would bloody kill me, I swear!

Eliza22 · 18/02/2017 10:41

Relax. Enjoy. 😊

KC225 · 18/02/2017 10:41

I feel for you. I have this with my MIL. I don't speak the language very well are my children (through choice) are fluent so I often feel like a spare wheel and I know I slow things down with translation.

I go to one in three or I will host one in three. There is no counting but I roughly know when I should put in an appearance. I know MIL is not too happy but she gets time with the her previous DH and the kids.

Cantstanddisney · 18/02/2017 10:43

Don't let yourself feel guilty for not going by maybe try to up your visits to 1 in 6?? If you are sure she is not trying to guilt you into anything a small gesture of slightly increased visits might well be noticed and appreciated.

Hisstory · 18/02/2017 10:43

Is there a reason that your SIL is shit stirring? I'd tell her that you would rather not know what your MIL says to her daughter in what you would presume she thought was a private conversation.

I think it sounds like you have a nice arrangement. I'd go occasionally but I wouldn't worry about it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/02/2017 10:43

I think I agree that you should increase to once a month? That way you still get 3 out of 4 weekends where you get your time off, and your MIL gets to see you twice as much, so will feel like you're making much more effort to see her.

YANBU to want time off - I do it myself given half a chance - but not on such a regular basis. But I see my MIL at our house a fair bit as well, so it's not such a big deal if I don't go over to hers with DH and the DSs (and it's not a regular weekend thing, more of an occasional thing).

Venusflytwat · 18/02/2017 10:46

Drop them off, have your time, pick them up and stay for half an hour and a cuppa?

isupposeitsverynice · 18/02/2017 10:46

Aw I don't think there's any shit stirring going on just a gentle heads up from a family member. I'd probably try and go a bit more often but your personal time is important too! I thought the suggestion of picking them up sometimes and stopping for a coffee was a nice one, would that work?