I don't have to go too, do I?

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

DH usually takes DS to MIL's on a Saturday or a Sunday. It gives them a chance to spend time together and it gives me a few hours off. But should I be going as well? I normally use that time to relax, go shopping, see friends, etc, but my SIL told me that MIL is unhappy that I don't go with them and how it's not proper "family" time. I think it's nice in a way, that she wants me there, but bloody hell, can't I get a few hours off every week?

I work and then the rest of the time I'm with my DS. Am I horrible for not going? I really value the very small amount of time I get to myself, but I always end up feeling guilty about it.

I would personally next time you go there (make it every 6-8 weeks and say when you're there that's when you'll come) make a point of saying how much you really appreciate the downtime as it gives "you" the time time to catch up with "your" friends etc.

I think increasing it to once a month would be enough wouldn't it? Then you still get 3 in 4 weekends with a break. I do think once every 8 weeks isn't very often especially if your DH is seeing your parents twice a month.

FWIW I see my in-laws every couple of weeks.

No don't increase your visits - he won't be losing any of his 'me time!'. He's already getting an easier ride because on his one to one time with DC he's going to his mums, where I bet she ends up running around after them!

This often happens in our house, not weekly though. A lot of it is DH's fault as he will visit his parents when I'm doing something else like taking one DC to a party, getting my haircut etc or cooking.
I don't think I visit PIL often enough but they are always busy in the week. I used to go to a toddler group and soft play near their house and knocked on the way home every week, they were never in.

I can see your MIL point, I can also see your point. MIL might think that you are ignoring her, can't stand her etc, but you need some time to yourself too. I think cup of tea before or after dropping the kids off is a good idea. In casual conversation you can let MIL know how you need this time for yourself and how difficult it is to find it. MIL is a mother too so she should understand.

I wouldn't change a thing. You already invite mil over - it isn't your fault that she cancelled! Agree with pp who said this is about her wanting you to do what is 'proper' in her view.
I'd also want more than 3 hours down time. Don't do that female thing of putting your own desires below everybody else's. You will end up resentful and burnt out!

My husband usually went with the children to see his mother when they were younger, I absolutely craved that time alone! Even if I just used the time to clean the house I was still alone and could have music on loud, eat chocolate, drink coffee. YANBU.

She's now moved away, she's around a 3 hour drive away, and our kids are grown up. You know what? I still crave the time when my husband goes to see her because it involves an overnight stay and I get the house to myself as he usually takes at least one of our sons with him.

She does try to guilt me into going though, and I'm one of those people who hates staying overnight in other people's homes, and selfishly it would mean I lost that time to myself which I so rarely have. I do see her several times a year though, which I think is reasonable considering the distance she lives away from us, as she stays here as a stopover on journeys to visit family elsewhere.

YANBU, of course you don't have to go. Just go when it suits you.

I think I need to balance it a bit - go maybe once a month like many have suggested. Then I'm still getting 3 out of 4 times to myself, and I'm essentially doubling my visits to MIL as a clever PP highlighted.

I really like my MIL, she's got her own way of doing things that can differ with mine but that doesn't mean I don't admire her or respect her. She's a lovely lady and I think it comes from a very kind place of her wanting me to be involved in the visits.

But at the same time I'm not going to give up having those few precious hours to myself on a weekend, and that would also mean not seeing friends too.

The other suggestion of popping in for a coffee is good - I may try this, though I suspect MIL would get a bit huffy if I said I was only going in for 30 mins.

Just get DH to have DS a different few hours on the weeks that you go with them to MIL. So, maybe visit once a month/every few weeks and then that weekend DH can also take DS swimming the next day for a few hours. Or do as pp suggested and do what you want and then pop-in to MIL on the way back for half hour.

There must be a way to see MIL more than 6 times a year and also have three hours a week to yourself!

We used to do that. My df was the one at home though. There was a family joke that dm had done away with him and put him under the patio. 😁

I think he probably came about once every 8weeks and enjoyed his own time. No one had any problems with it.