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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't have to go too, do I?

61 replies

ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 10:06

DH usually takes DS to MIL's on a Saturday or a Sunday. It gives them a chance to spend time together and it gives me a few hours off. But should I be going as well? I normally use that time to relax, go shopping, see friends, etc, but my SIL told me that MIL is unhappy that I don't go with them and how it's not proper "family" time. I think it's nice in a way, that she wants me there, but bloody hell, can't I get a few hours off every week?

I work and then the rest of the time I'm with my DS. Am I horrible for not going? I really value the very small amount of time I get to myself, but I always end up feeling guilty about it.

OP posts:
Letsgetreadytorumbleagain · 18/02/2017 10:46

I don't go. It's the only time I really get to myself and I'm not giving it up for anyone! Unless it's a special occasion and then I do.

Original poster
ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 10:51

SIL tends to talk a lot and things slip out but she's definitely not a shit stirrer. Got a lot of them in the family so i know how to spot one!

I would know without SIL saying something to me, because when I do go to MIL's she'll look really surprised and say "oh hello stranger. I didn't expect to see you here!" and make quite a big deal out of it. Which can make me feel quite uncomfortable.

SIL was telling me something I already knew.

Is 3 hours every Saturday a lot of time to have to myself every week? I didn't think it was excessive but I could be wrong. I work 3 days, have DS the rest of the time - DH goes out for a few hours to do his own thing too so it's a bit of a trade-off, and works well except for the fact that MIL isn't happy I don't go.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 18/02/2017 10:52

Carry on
MIL is having special time with DH and DS
She probably did not get alone time herself as a young Mum? But then she prob did not work, and have such a busy schedule with activites/whatever?
1 in 8 is fine, and if you feel up to it add the occasional extra visit.
But that alone time may be your way to distress, and remain calm and collected to face another busy week

midsummabreak · 18/02/2017 10:53

'de-stress'

RandomMess · 18/02/2017 10:53

I think you should make the effort to go every 4-6 weeks rather than more like every 8 weeks.

You could always drop DH off and then join them later on for a cuppa when you pick them up - best of both worlds perhaps?

Original poster
ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 10:54

No she's never had alone time. She works, takes care of her other grandchildren, does all the cleaning, cooking, etc. She literally never sits down. I think she thinks me having time to myself, or to see friends, is a bit selfish. Even though she's never explicitly said that, that's the feeling I get.

OP posts:
JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 18/02/2017 10:58

I'd tell her to fuck off. Bossy old boot.
She sounds most interfering.

midsummabreak · 18/02/2017 11:00

You are each entitled to your own way of getting through the week, and if she runs on empty, so be it
Not a factor in deciding what you need to do to manage getting through your busy week, though. Maybe you and DH can chip in with others to buy her a weekend/night away somewhere special for her?

Letsgetreadytorumbleagain · 18/02/2017 11:00

How often does your DH see your family?

Trifleorbust · 18/02/2017 11:01

ShowMePotatoSalad: Why can't you have both? Go to MIL's as a family then your DH has the kids while you have your 'me' time, like he gets?

AllTheLight · 18/02/2017 11:05

Maybe you should mention to MIL that DH also has a few hours off for himself?

I don't think YABU at all.

OurBlanche · 18/02/2017 11:09

How often does your DH see your family? How often do YOU see your family?

For some of us the regular, set in stone, family days are sheer hell! If your DH wants to go and isn't bothered by you not joining them every week, then SIL, MIL and Uncle Tom Cobbly can sod off!

Wait until your DCs want to join an activity at the weekends... then what will MIL and SILL feel? Would your DH force them to continue with the current arrangement? From the general tone of your OP I doubt it, but would SIL and MIL feel justified in making an issue out of it, do you think?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/02/2017 11:09

Given that you get on with MIL, I'd read it as her being just a bit hurt. She's wishing you were there too. I get that your me time is important but perhaps go once a month.

The next time you're alone with her, perhaps explain your need for me time. People who don't need it are often completely baffled by the need. You can work out how to put it - perhaps practice on DH. She's his DM,and he'll know how best to phrase it.

babyblabber · 18/02/2017 11:09

My DH brings the kids out to Dee his dad every Saturday. I go at least 1 out of 4 weeks if I can. Sometimes I can't coz I'm not working or if the youngest needs a good nap I'll stay behind with her.

In your shoes I think I'd sin to go at least once a month. She is family and it's nice for your DC to have you all together. My MIL died a few years ago and I would love if she was still around.

Guitargirl · 18/02/2017 11:11

I was going to suggest 1 in 8 but I see you're already doing that. I must admit that the phrase 'family time' gives me the hives as it's usually someone else's ideas of what that should look like superimposed on to someone else's family. I don't think YABU at all.

Original poster
ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 11:11

MIL knows DH has time to himself too. DH's dad has plenty of his own time too, which MIL accepts. I think there is a little bit of ingrained sexism - women always do the childcare/housework leaving time for the menfolk to do what they want. Obviously I don't agree with that and I would never go along with that.

DH sees my parents a couple of times a month, when they come here. We never go to their house because it's a complete tip (I mean, really really bad - and I've tried to help on so many occasions) but that's another thread one day maybe!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 18/02/2017 11:14

YANBU, OP. I hate that idea that men need time alone so women need to do twice as much.

Minniemagoo · 18/02/2017 11:15

Tbh I'd be more upset that the 3 hours Dh took the kids to his mothers was the only time I had to myself.
If it has become the routine maybe you need to mix it up.
Go with Dh ever second week and on the way back get him to drop you off at a friends/town for shoppiing/coffee after tge visit leaving him alone tine with DC. If the visits are late obviously do the break first.
Plan 1 evening a week for 'you' time.
Plan an hour on Sunday that Dg takes DC to playground or whatever so you can have an hour in the house to catch up on things.

Only having 1 break a week is like having all your eggs in one basket and can make you a bit irrationally protective of it.

Minniemagoo · 18/02/2017 11:16

So sorry for all the typos. Fat fingers on phone.

Stitchfusion · 18/02/2017 11:16

I used to feel the complete opposite. I worked full time and got hardly anytime to spend with my dc in the week and on a saturday or sunday, he would be carted off to his grandmothers for the day. So basically I only got one day a week, and evenings when I was also trying to get dinner sorted etc.

Original poster
ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/02/2017 11:18

Minnie that's exactly what it is. I am literally clinging for dear life to this 3 hour break! I just can't keep carrying on feeling bad about it, it ruins it and means I spend the time worrying that I should be at MIL's. I'm going to break the cycle by going to MIL's tomorrow with DH and DS. DH can then have DS for an additional hour while I go and do my own thing.

I might try going twice a month, inviting her over to mine more, and then hopefully she won't feel hurt, and I'll still get enough time to myself.

OP posts:
Trills · 18/02/2017 11:20

I don't think you should go more often just because some people have an arbitrary "once a month" rule.

You are happy, your husband is happy, your child is happy.

She is happy to have her son and grandchild visit.

Your absence is not making her enjoy the visits less because she wants to see you, but only because it does not align with her idea of what is proper.

Joinourclub · 18/02/2017 11:20

I think every week would be excessive, but every 8 weeks does seem like you 'can't be bothered' to see her. I think somewhere in the middle is fine, once a month.

AllTheLight · 18/02/2017 11:30

The way I would see this is that you and DH get roughly equal 'me time' and that he chooses to spend the bit when you're having yours with his mum - possibly to make it easier for him as he benefits from an extra pair of hands to help look after DS, or because he likes to see his mum. All fine. And then you end up feeling guilty about it!

Maybe make your visits slightly more frequent, but NOT twice a month! That's half of your precious me time!

RandomMess · 18/02/2017 11:37

Having followed the rest of your posts...

Erm once a month is plenty especially if you invite her to yours more often, her choice to decline!

Clearly your DH needs to take DS out/fully occupy him more than he is at the moment, do you think he would willingly do that if you explained how desperate you are feeling?

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