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Original poster

Giving stuff to MIL

56 replies

user1485372536 · 05/02/2017 22:51

Okay i don't get on well with my in laws, I'd say the relationship is okay at the moment since we've all got a bit of space.

Today I took my baskets from my mil's house and she asked to keep one. Bearing in mind there was quite a few but I could only find 3. I explained I needed it and she went off about how she had some but can't seem to find them, and likewise I also said I had more.

Amicably I took my baskets, she didn't seem to pleased, but she didn't seem to say anything more.

She's now made an issue about it and DH is arguing with me saying I was in the wrong and I should have given it.

The thing is she's hardly given me anything at all and it just seems like wants my stuff. Initially she did take a basket (these are wedding hampers btw) so it's not like I've not given it.

I understand morally I should have given it but surely just because I haven't doesn't mean I'm in the wrong.

I know this is a petty issue, but these petty issues come up a lot in my marriage and become very big.

OP posts:
howCanwedo12 · 05/02/2017 22:53

I cant quite understand. We're youre wedding presents at your MIL house, and when you went to collect them, she asked to keep one ?If so she was very unreasonable..

rollonthesummer · 05/02/2017 22:55

Baskets?!

LindyHemming · 05/02/2017 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming · 05/02/2017 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OverTheGardenGate · 05/02/2017 22:57

What sort of baskets? There are all kinds of baskets.

aintnobodygottimefodat · 05/02/2017 22:57

Huh? Confused

justgivemethepinot · 05/02/2017 22:59

Empty baskets or baskets with goodies in?

Original poster
user1485372536 · 05/02/2017 22:59

Sorry still fuming hence the poorly worded message. We were living with my mil for a year - Indian family.

These hampers were gifts my family gave. Woven baskets filled with all sorts of stuff.

I took the stuff out, sounds really childish but it's empty baskets we're talking about Blush

OP posts:
Huldra · 05/02/2017 23:02

You gave out wedding hampers to guests. Mil took any that were left, one of which was yours and one hers. You went to collect them, she couldn't find hers and wanted yours?

I don't know, what's going on? What type of hampers, what was in them, whonwere they given to, how many we there, how much didn't they cost. I'm intrigued.

Floggingmolly · 05/02/2017 23:03

You lived with your MIL for a year, and when you left you wanted to take a load of empty baskets with you?? How exactly did you explain your "need" for them?

Justmuddlingalong · 05/02/2017 23:04

The thing is she's hardly given me anything at all and yet she allowed you to live there for a year?

Huldra · 05/02/2017 23:06

Ah, read your update. I would have assumed the actual baskets were yours as much as the gifts in them. If she had some but can't find them and now wants more, which were put aside for you, that would be unreasonable.

justgivemethepinot · 05/02/2017 23:07

Sorry OP I suspect this is a tiny part of a bigger picture but......pick your battles is my advice.

EmeraldScorn · 05/02/2017 23:08

I thought for a moment that she had helped herself to your wedding gifts!

I love woven baskets, very pretty but with regard the situation you find yourself in I have to be really blunt and say it sounds like you were being childish - How many empty baskets does a person really need? You could have just let her have one and an easier life would have been yours (at least for today).

On the other hand if she's causing problems in your marriage you need to nip that in the bud asap, and I'd be reminding your husband that he married you, not his mother!

Huldra · 05/02/2017 23:08

In my head I'm seeing wedding gifts given to you in hampers.

Original poster
user1485372536 · 05/02/2017 23:12

It's a cultural thing for the DIL to live with her in laws but it also creates a lot of friction as is the case with me.

We moved out about 6 months ago. I'd spoken to her about the baskets - well one which I wanted to use for storage. The other 2 I took, one was smaller and one was a pretty card box if you like. I needed a basket to use as part of a gift. She wanted to keep it in case she needed it in the future.

This is so petty, but it's become so big. My DH isn't talking to me which is not like him at all

OP posts:
OverTheGardenGate · 05/02/2017 23:13

Some of this depends on whether you really need all the baskets or if you just didn't want her to have one. She let you stay in her house for a year. Must be worth something.

LexieLulu · 05/02/2017 23:16

Probably would have been easier to just buy some more, save upsetting MIL

tooclosetocall · 05/02/2017 23:23

My DH isn't talking to me
Doesn't matter if this isn't his normal behaviour, your DH needs to grow up.

HoHumming · 05/02/2017 23:25

I'd have let her have the basket. I don't believe it is about baskets at all though. It sounds like maybe you feel she doesn't respect your wishes and is controlling?

As you have now moved out, I'd start to distance myself from her if you can.

Original poster
user1485372536 · 05/02/2017 23:30

You're right hohumming it's not just about the baskets. I do feel like she takes whatever she can of mine, but it doesn't work the other way.

And it's very hard to distance myself when I've got a goody two shoes DH and I live about 5 mins drive from her.

I understand morally I should have just given it, it would have been easier for me. But I didn't want to, and at that point it wasn't an issue, it was a polite conversation between us both. Since having my DS my patience has gone all on him, where previously I could have let things slide now, I feel like everything I also make a fuss over. Hmm

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 23:42

"I understand morally I should have given it" I don't see you are morally obliged to give anything to her.

But if you like someone and they were keen to get something you had several of I'd feel it was a good idea to get one for her or buy something similar for her.

But I totally get if she has done this for a while you are finally tired of it. I would just stop saying to yourself that this is a moral issue where you should have done a certain thing. It may have been easier for you (and her) to do a certain thing but you chose not to, and that is OK.

I'd try and build some friendly bridges by being friendly and then distance myself.

HeddaGarbled · 05/02/2017 23:52

Oh god, you've got one of those husbands who will always take his mother's side rather than yours, haven't you?

Original poster
user1485372536 · 06/02/2017 02:04

Yes I do have one of those husbands 😒

OP posts:
Lochan · 06/02/2017 02:15

Erm, why do you think you were morally obligated to give her a basket?

They belonged to you - you have no obligation morally or otherwise to give them to someone else.

It might be worth pointing out that it's you he has to live with. He needs to refocus his perspective. It's far more worth his while to be in your good books than his Mums.

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