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Original poster

Giving stuff to MIL

56 replies

user1485372536 · 05/02/2017 22:51

Okay i don't get on well with my in laws, I'd say the relationship is okay at the moment since we've all got a bit of space.

Today I took my baskets from my mil's house and she asked to keep one. Bearing in mind there was quite a few but I could only find 3. I explained I needed it and she went off about how she had some but can't seem to find them, and likewise I also said I had more.

Amicably I took my baskets, she didn't seem to pleased, but she didn't seem to say anything more.

She's now made an issue about it and DH is arguing with me saying I was in the wrong and I should have given it.

The thing is she's hardly given me anything at all and it just seems like wants my stuff. Initially she did take a basket (these are wedding hampers btw) so it's not like I've not given it.

I understand morally I should have given it but surely just because I haven't doesn't mean I'm in the wrong.

I know this is a petty issue, but these petty issues come up a lot in my marriage and become very big.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/02/2017 02:47

It's a BASKET. Is she always this petty? And controlling?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 06/02/2017 02:55

Your DH needs to start being on your side. I've had a nightmare time with my MIL, if DH didn't back me up we'd probably be divorced

londonrach · 06/02/2017 06:13

Op how long have you been married. Think you need to talk to dh about this as the basket isnt your main worry here. Have you left mil house now

theclick · 06/02/2017 06:29

Oh I feel for you. I'm also Indian and my MIL can also be a PITA, but yours sounds a bit more petty. It all does to be honest. Is there a FIL to intervene? I found mine was a great calming presence on her.

HashiAsLarry · 06/02/2017 06:41

Purposely ignoring the word basket.

You were given three items for your wedding. One you have a use for. One is decorative so you'd like to display it. One you're planning on regifting. MIL wants to keep one in case she needs one later.

The easy middle ground solution is to let her take her pick as long as she replaces the item with something of similar quality, style and purpose.

Original poster
user1485372536 · 06/02/2017 14:26

We've been married for 1 1/2 years. When it blew up between me and my DH, he said stuff like I'm never going to get on with in laws like this, and how he's been trying to change me from day 1. I got up and left the room at that stuff, was I overreacting? Do you think he's justified saying that? Is it just me blowing it out of proportion?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485372536 · 06/02/2017 14:26

Married for one and half years.

OP posts:
Huldra · 06/02/2017 14:29

You were not over reacting.

BarbarianMum · 06/02/2017 14:31

Are you over-reacting? Well, that depends. Do you want to be a good traditional wife, living in your MiL's shadow until she one day dies and your sons marry and it's your turn to be matriarch? Or would you rather be your own person now?

NoCleanClothes · 06/02/2017 14:42

Your DH is enabling her. She feels like she can take what she wants of yours and goes crying to DH when she doesn't get it. As long as you were polite and said actually I like the baskets and want to keep them there should be no problem from her or your DH about you not giving them to her.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 06/02/2017 14:50

You weren't overreaching. It sounds like you are falling between 2 cultures a little here.

At least you have already moved out. Now you have, time to put up 'walls' between you and MIL. You don't live in her house anymore, I would mentally right off any items still in the house, it's "stuff" and you can live without the stuff. Don't give her the satisfaction of winding you up. Be polite when you have to see her, but try to fill up the social calendar to keep those meetings to the minimum. I would do things like suggest on a Thursday night that DH calls in on his Mother on his way home from work because you'll be busy all weekend and you're sure she's going to want to see him. Make it so you don't have to go too.

She will try to wind you up as it sounds like there's a power struggle going on, practice the "nod and smile" and making uncommited comments.

Make sure you always look like the reasonable one.

BofAlorsStance · 06/02/2017 14:53

He's been trying to change you from Day 1?
That doesn't bode well love.
Was it an arranged marriage?
People can't be changed and he needs to see that. Nor would he be trying to change you if he had any common sense, love or respect.

Original poster
user1485372536 · 06/02/2017 14:56

DH goes to see her (his family) everyday. He has 2 jobs, and return home after 14 hours weekdays. Weekends we both go one day for a few hours. And during the week I go once for a couple of hours because of DS.

We're from the same culture, I just live in 2017, not 1950.

I just feel like she's breaking my marriage and I don't know how to stop it all.

OP posts:
BofAlorsStance · 06/02/2017 15:03

So when do you have time for you both? One day at the weekend and an hour on weekdays?
That seems neither fair nor long enough.
Does he have siblings?

Peanutandphoenix · 06/02/2017 15:07

He's been trying to change your from day 1 that's controlling behavior right there you have bigger issues than MIL and bloody wedding gift baskets you've got a mummy's boy controlling knob for a husband think you need to fix that problem before you try and do something about the MIL problem before your DS turns out like his dad.

summerskittles91 · 06/02/2017 15:56

OP, I'm indian too and been married for 2.5 years. I still live with in laws. To be honest I would just leave the baskets and buy new ones, deep down you know it's not even worth the drama. MIL is probably looking for a reason to complain about you to your DH, don't give her the satisfaction.

DH will get over it.

I know a lot of people will say differently, but indian culture and in laws is a whole different world to the norm.

HoHumming · 06/02/2017 15:58

I'm not Indian so I don't know if it is okay to ask your DH not to go to his mum's house every day. Every day,after two jobs, must leave very little time for your son. Could you try that angle? Or perhaps he is going there to drop off errands and feels he must? Does your MIL have any other support? Someone you and your DH could ask to take his place for the daily visit?

Can you bring your DS in a fortnightly midweek visit instead of a weekly visit especially as you go there every weekend anyway. You could say you are going to a baby group that particular afternoon and have more of a fluid visiting arrangement take the weekly visits place.

Another thing might be to see if you could leave your son with your MIL for a few hours one afternoon while you do some activity/shop/meet a friend. It would give you some time to yourself, keep MIL happy and reduce the amount of time you spend in her company.
I feel for you as my MIL is overbearing. Our relationship improved when I distanced myself from her. Nowadays she is much easier to deal with but my SIL has taken her place!

Original poster
user1485372536 · 06/02/2017 19:32

I don't want to leave my DS with my MIL, I don't trust her and he's too precious.

DH just doesn't seem to understand at all that I'm not in the wrong here. From a guys perceptive how do I approach this?

OP posts:
HoHumming · 06/02/2017 19:45

I felt exactly as you feel now when my first child arrived. All I will say is there may be a day you will need her to care for your son i.e. If you are sick yourself, have another baby and you will probably feel differently about leaving him with her as he gets older.

My DH is an only son and his mum can do nothing wrong in his eyes. I didn't have other family around to balance it out. If you have, then perhaps you could do every second weekend visit to alternative families?

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 20:03

I would stop discussing it with him and trying to persuade him. Simply do what you want, behave as you wish, and let him work it out for himself. Don't try and get him to agree with you. If you don't want to go to MiLs, don't go. As you say, it's 2017. He will catch on eventually. He is used to strong women, after all!
Avoid MiL. A basket isn't worth spending time with her for.

Original poster
user1485372536 · 06/02/2017 21:26

Okay, so I would have made extra effort this week to go round as my BIL is moving abroad later this week (more time with DS). Do I still do that? I don't want MIL to think she can make a mountain out of a hole but still see her DGS. I need her to realise, as cruel as it may sound that she needs to back off if she wants to see her DGS.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 06/02/2017 21:48

Then start doing things your way. Make it clear you won't go round if she doesn't play ball. If your DH won't stick up for you, he needs to be told that this is 2017. Did you know he was a mummy's boy when you agreed to marry him?

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 21:53

Make her work for it. You won't win by trying to please her. In the long run, I think you have something with DH that she does not! Concentrate on making yourself strong and happy, with your DS and your own home. Try not to complain about her to DH. Let him make his own decisions. You will seem much more attractive than a demanding, needy DM. Of course, she may get sensible and be a bit more reasonable in which case, problem solved.

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 21:54

Don't get into arguments with any of them though, just rise above it.

Parsley1234 · 06/02/2017 22:03

The poster up thread who said about Indian culture is right it's no use asking non Indians for a view because they won't get how entrenched the culture is. My ex partner is Indian and we have a son it's tough he visits his parents every day now and when we had our son they wanted us to move in it's a different way to the way I live.

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