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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A parent has complained about dd!

54 replies

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 18:28

I was collared by dd's teacher today. Saying that another parent had phoned school and complained about my dd. There was apparently an altercation at lunchtime last week. That's all she said. I've asked my dd what happened and she said the girl is part of her group of friends and they usually get on really well. But on the day in question the other girl came over asking to play and then started to take over the game and bossing them all around, then she stopped them from leaving wherever they were playing. Dd and another girl said she want being fair so the girl stormed off. Later on the girl called dd a lower because she liked a particular song. Dd told the dinner lady so the girl stormed off again because she was told off. This seems to be an ongoing thing with this girl taking over and storming off. They're in y4 and this girl only started at the school this year. Dd has never been accused of anything like this before and is a very friendly and quiet girl with a small group of good friends.
She has been repeatedly bullied in the past by another girl. This seems to have stopped now but went on for years. I spoke to countless teachers. And only the teacher last year put a stop to it. The others were useless, with one telling me it was dd's fault after she received a horrible bullying letter. Never once was the mother spoken to when actual bullying was taking place and it was all swept under the carpet.
But the moment my dd has a disagreement with a child who she believes is trying to cause trouble, and the deputy head is involved.

I'm furious, after going through what she did, she would never be mean to anyone. She is so kindhearted.

I don't know what to do now, I'm worried my daughter will be branded a bully when she isn't. She is a pretty anxious child and i'm worried this will set her back. It took a long time for her to regain the confidence she lost through the bullying and now this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 18:29

Loser* not lower.
Apologies for typos and poor grammar. It was written in anger.

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 30/01/2017 18:31

Given this is the second instance of the school being rubbish would you consider moving schools?

bathsoapsandperfume · 30/01/2017 18:32

Ordinary kid stuff. Kids fall out, and then make up. The parent shouldn't have complained, kids have to resolve this stuff themselves. I'm surprised the bullying wasn't dealt with properly though. Have school told you what is going to happen next? All you can do is tell your DD it wasn't her fault and wait and see.

BarbarianMum · 30/01/2017 18:32

Maybe go and speak to them with an open mind? You have heard your dd' s version of events, now be ready to hear the other child's.

SavoyCabbage · 30/01/2017 18:32

Why would the teacher tell you about it but not give you any further information? She should have investigated it herself first before going to you.

I too would be furious if my child had had previous problems and the school hadn't done much and now they are racing to you.

ollieplimsoles · 30/01/2017 18:34

Oh I went to school with a girl like this, her mum thought she could do no wrong and was always coming into school for something or other. You have your dd's side of the story, I would leave it at that. Teachers aren't daft, they will know what the other girl is like, especially if your DD and others have been telling on her when she's out of order

Stormwhale · 30/01/2017 18:36

I wouldn't be happy either, but you need to get a hold of yourself before any further interactions with the school. I would have a calm conversation with dd about staying away from this girl as she doesn't sound like good news. I would then ask for a meeting with the school to discuss if they really felt their reaction had been fair and give dds side of the situation. I would also be asking for the girls to be monitored to make sure there are no more issues.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 30/01/2017 18:36

So have you found out exactly what DD has been accused of yet or still waiting to find out. What did the school say? Have you mentioned to.them about the lunch lady as she might be able to help work out what's actually happened

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 18:36

Apparently both girls will meet with the deputy head separately to discuss what went on.
Yep they seem to be following all the procedures this time. Its a pity they didn't all those years with dd. But then again the bully was the daughter of a pta mum.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 30/01/2017 18:37

Can't schools just deal with this stuff without dragging the parents in ?

LIZS · 30/01/2017 18:38

If if happened at school it is up to them to resolve.

barinatxe · 30/01/2017 18:39

The teachers didn't do anything when a parent complained, they were wrong.

The teachers do something when a parent complains, they are still wrong?

It's not right if your child is be bullied by proxy, but the teachers either have to intervene when there is a complaint, or not. You can't say that they were wrong not to intervene before, and yet are still wrong for intervening now.

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 18:40

If she was to stay away from this girl it will mean losing her small group of friends. She only has a few friends due to the bullying that went on. She was left alienated. I'm so upset for her. The girl is still pretty new to the school so they won't have anything previous to go on. Dd thinks she is trying to push her out of their group and she'll be left all alone in the playground again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 18:43

I'm not saying they're wrong to intervene Bar. I'd rather than get to the bottom of it and find out this girl is making it all up.
What I'm saying is wrong is the years I spent trying to get them to intervene with dd and in the end the best they could do for her was a friendship and kindness lesson for the class.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 30/01/2017 18:44

So both children have to go to the deputy head to tell her what went on? That sounds fine to me, normal procedure. Gives both children the opportunity to say their side and allows the school to get to the bottom of it. Probably just a storm in a teacup. If you are unhappy with the outcome why don't you drop a line to the school yourself, telling them what your daughter has told you.

SparklyLeprechaun · 30/01/2017 18:45

It doesn't look like the school are doing anything wrong. There was an incident and they are giving you the heads up that it will be investigated. It's a shame that they didn't do the same when your DD was bullied but maybe they are finally getting their act together.

Witchend · 30/01/2017 18:54

I'm furious, after going through what she did, she would never be mean to anyone. She is so kindhearted.

Problem is that may be true... but I've also heard it again and again from parents of children for whom it definitely isn't true.
And having been bullied, doesn't exclude someone from bullying. Again that's something I've heard "my child can't possibly bully because she's been bullied" and I'll tell you in both cases I've heard that said recently, I saw the situation, it was bullying, and pretty bad bullying at that.
You also wouldn't necessarily know if the parent has been spoken to, they wouldn't do it in front of you, may have even phoned.

Okay, not I've got that out.
It sounds like a bit of a mishmash of both, even from your dd's description. Child came in, your dd thought they were being bossy, probably said so, then said she wasn't being fair.
Could be true, or could be your dd trying to exclude her. You can't tell from that description. I've seen situations that could be described like that that either your dd or the other dc could be at fault-or both.
Ditto the "she said this and I told". They don't necessarily tell you what went on before.

I would imagine they will talk to all of the girls involved and find out what went on. If the other girl did come in bossy, then the chances are the other children will say "she was being really bossy", because they won't have liked it either.

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 18:59

I understand that Witchend. I tried not to come across all rose-tinted while I was typing.
She really isn't the type to exclude someone. But exclusion from games/friends is what she endured for years, I know she wouldn't do that to someone else. And she never has. Hence the fact that no one else has ever had a problem with her before this girl joined the school.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 30/01/2017 19:02

Why not just leave school to sort it - it's every day year four girl sort of stuff that needs de escalation rather than fanning,

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 19:06

I am leaving the school to sort it. I asked dd to write a letter explaining what happened. Names of the girls in the group and the dinner lady. After this is resolved I may be making a complaint myself.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 30/01/2017 19:10

I think you need to wait on the outcome of the deputy head'a conversations with the girls. You sound as though you have wholly accepted your DD's side of the story, but in my experience things are rarely that simple. This does sound like normal kid stuff as well, so try not to worry too much.

Rainydayspending · 30/01/2017 19:11

The chances are that this girl has moved schools in year 4 because the parents probably convince themselves every interaction is negative. Also the newer girl is probably very unsettled by the move (the storming off rather than deal is probably a result of leaving previous school if the routine school swapping snowflakes are anything to go by).

riceuten · 30/01/2017 19:14

Ordinary kid stuff. Kids fall out, and then make up. The parent shouldn't have complained, kids have to resolve this stuff themselves

this, in spades. If there is genuine bullying, I would expect the school to follow it up and report back.

TheSultanofPingu · 30/01/2017 19:17

I agree with Crumbs1. This really is everyday year 4 drama. I'm surprised parents have got involved tbh.

BarbarianMum · 30/01/2017 19:35

This child might also have been moved in Y4 because she was being bullied at her previous school.

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