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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A parent has complained about dd!

54 replies

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 18:28

I was collared by dd's teacher today. Saying that another parent had phoned school and complained about my dd. There was apparently an altercation at lunchtime last week. That's all she said. I've asked my dd what happened and she said the girl is part of her group of friends and they usually get on really well. But on the day in question the other girl came over asking to play and then started to take over the game and bossing them all around, then she stopped them from leaving wherever they were playing. Dd and another girl said she want being fair so the girl stormed off. Later on the girl called dd a lower because she liked a particular song. Dd told the dinner lady so the girl stormed off again because she was told off. This seems to be an ongoing thing with this girl taking over and storming off. They're in y4 and this girl only started at the school this year. Dd has never been accused of anything like this before and is a very friendly and quiet girl with a small group of good friends.
She has been repeatedly bullied in the past by another girl. This seems to have stopped now but went on for years. I spoke to countless teachers. And only the teacher last year put a stop to it. The others were useless, with one telling me it was dd's fault after she received a horrible bullying letter. Never once was the mother spoken to when actual bullying was taking place and it was all swept under the carpet.
But the moment my dd has a disagreement with a child who she believes is trying to cause trouble, and the deputy head is involved.

I'm furious, after going through what she did, she would never be mean to anyone. She is so kindhearted.

I don't know what to do now, I'm worried my daughter will be branded a bully when she isn't. She is a pretty anxious child and i'm worried this will set her back. It took a long time for her to regain the confidence she lost through the bullying and now this!

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 30/01/2017 19:35

"Given this is the second instance of the school being rubbish would you consider moving schools?" Yes, that seems a reasonable and proportionate response! How is the school being rubbish in this instance?

"I'm furious, after going through what she did, she would never be mean to anyone. She is so kindhearted." Nope. All kids are mean sometimes. You really do need to change this view; she may well be a lovely child, but she won't act like that in the playground all the time. If a child has been upset by your daughters actions, its not a reasonable response to suggest that the child is just trying to get your daughter in trouble.

You sound a little over-invested in the minutiae of your daughters social interaction. Obviously bullying can't be tolerated, but equally micro-management of small quarrels like this is not healthy. Let the school sort this one. I really think your daughter would benefit from you de-emphasising future dramas.

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 19:39

I don't think I am over invested at all. I could have phoned the school over minor quarrels like this girls mum has many times. But I didn't. I understood it was kid stuff. I have posted what my daughter said happen so not to drip feed.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 30/01/2017 19:41

How do you know this girl's mum is 'constantly phoning the school'? Has she complained about your dd before? Confused

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 19:44

I meant I could have phoned the school many times. As far as I know this is the only time she has phoned.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/01/2017 19:49

The other mother is trying to protect her DD. Surely you can identify with that?

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 19:53

I can definately identify with that. But if her daughter has told her the same playground squabble story I think it is beyond ridiculous for her to phone the school over it. I have no reason not to believe dd's version of events.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 30/01/2017 19:54

Often there is one side, the other side and what a casual observer would say.

Excluding someone is the other side to "not wanting to play with someone " one sounds mean and bullying, one sounds fair and reasonable.

Bunnyfuller · 30/01/2017 20:00

IME none of thrm are angels and only ever tell the version of events where they're the innocent victim. Take it on the chin, tell your daughter to not play with people who are unkind and move on. Too many mums get involved in this and it's just all girls being bloody spiteful to each other. Whoever was at fault, if they continue doing so, will naturally get found out and will find themselves friendless. I'm watching it with the little girl over the road, whose mum is doing an excellent job of bringing her up to lie.

Natural selection is a wonderful thing to observe

Trifleorbust · 30/01/2017 20:01

I have no reason not to believe dd's version of events.

No, but that doesn't mean you should accept it unquestioningly. She is, what, 8 or 9? Children of that age naturally tell a story with reference only to how they felt and what the other person did wrong. It takes a conversation with both parties to work out what probably happened in full. I am not suggesting she isn't being truthful, but that there is probably a side to the story that differs from hers that you haven't heard yet.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2017 20:01

I have no reason not to believe dd's version of events.

and she has no reason not to believe her DD's version of events.

Tonkatol · 30/01/2017 20:07

Justalittlelemondrizzle - I really feel for you - my DD is in year 6 and was having problems in year 5, that continued into Year 6. My problem was, however, not so much the child but the parent.

What I would say is that the school and class teachers normally have a good understanding of what is going on but have to be seen to be treating both children the same. Try to let the school deal with it and encourage your DD to find her own way to manage things. One thing that I found useful was to encourage my DD to sign up for as many lunchtime clubs as possible - that way she wasn't alone, but wasn't reliant on playing with certain friends either - break time is so much easier to handle.

I really do feel for you lemondrizzle - my DD is the youngest of 4 children, 3 DD and 1 DS and this is the 1st time I have ever had to be involved with school in this way. It is horrible and I found myself continually quizzing my DD and trying to ensure she hadn't done anything that had caused the problem. I even got called in to see the (new) head because the other mother had complained. I explained what the mother had been doing to my DD and she told me there were two girls upset and worried about coming to school and she wanted to sort it. When I asked what my DD had done, the head confessed that my DD had done nothing wrong but the mother had gone in and said about there being problems the year before and that she was worried they would happen again. The head only needed to look at the letter the previous head had sent to see that it was the mother causing the problems. Try to let the school deal with it, but be prepared to stick up for your DD if necessary.

Bunnyfuller · 30/01/2017 20:14

Why do people think their kids don't lie?! You are doing your child a disservice if you do not probe - there's ALWAYS 2 sides to every story.

The little girl over the road called us 'mean' because I asked thrm to please watch a DVD, as per the original invite, rather than go upstairs yo trash it as I had just had a major clear up and she ran to her mum saying we (yes, me included) had bern 'mean' same story when she broke one of my youngest son toys. Each time the mum goes nuts about my girls despite my having witnessed the behaviour. Turn this on its head now, and apportion some blame to all of them, not just your little darling (who sounds like she's developing a pattern).

LIZS · 30/01/2017 20:24

I don't think you should be getting your dd to write a letter. There may be more to this that you aren't aware of , that she may not even admit or recognise as an issue, but was witnessed by staff or other children . I doubt a head would get so involved with a single minor incident.

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 21:16

After a long char at bedtime with an upset and anxious dd. It turns out this isnt the first time the mum has complained about another girl in their group. Maybe they're just ticking boxes and know this girl and her mother have form.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 30/01/2017 21:21

Posted to soon. After reassuring her that as long as what she has said to me is the truth and that is what she tells them then she will be fine, and also the fact that this has happened before with someone else she finally relaxed.

OP posts:
JanuaryMoods · 31/01/2017 07:33

I hope the school give the mother short shrift. She's seems blind to any faults in her DD. The DD needs to be told that being bossy loses you friends. I hope the school support your DD.

SoupDragon · 31/01/2017 08:07

I hope the school give the mother short shrift. She's seems blind to any faults in her DD

Personally, I would hope that the school listens, sorts out what is happening and finds a way to fix it so all the girls are happy. Being blind to perceived faults could apply to everyone.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 31/01/2017 09:13

But then again the bully was the daughter of a pta mum

do you really think the teachers give a toss about who's on the PTA?

Can't schools just deal with this stuff without dragging the parents in

It seems not. I'm not sure why - it's all in the name of "partnership" but I'd rather teachers got on with it, and only involved parents as a last resort.

2014newme · 31/01/2017 09:15

Meh it's a children's playground dispute I wouldn't be bothered. Kids fall out. I would not be getting het up..

RhodaBull · 31/01/2017 09:26

Just derailing for a second, but I was thinking about the word "bossy". I note that Nicole Kidman et al have said that "bossy" is a pejorative word about girls and that if it were about boys the phrase might be "taking command" or "leading".

I don't agree, by the way! I think bossiness is not good in either gender. My Way or the Highway or even on MN, My House My Rules are not positive mantras.

Back to OP, no letter writing! I know it's upsetting when this happens, but really the best way is to ignore. Agree and groan if dd complains about the bossy girl, but going into the school with guns blazing will escalate the problem beyond a playground clash.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2017 09:59

Oh goodness, it's never nice to hear a complaint about your child but as others have said, this really is fairly typical drama for 8 - 9 year old kids.

Let the school handle this and extinguish it quickly, rather than start fanning the flames. I think the letter is a terrible idea btw.

Also, there's nothing wrong with believing exactly what your child tells you, but there is everything wrong in blindly believing that any child, "would never be mean to anyone".

Kids grow and change all the time and even the nicest, kindest kids will be mean to someone at some point during their school lives.

You'll be doing your DD a massive favour, if you keep a slightly more open mind.

SoupDragon · 31/01/2017 10:09

A child might not, generally, be deliberately mean but that doesn't mean they will never do something another child perceives as mean.

CommonFramework · 31/01/2017 10:26

I find it bizarre that the teacher came to tell you that a parents had complained about your DD before invesitaing the complait hersefl! All arsze about face.

It does like a storm in a teacup. Your dd can't go complaining to a dinner lady just because someone calls her a loser - perhaps she needs to learn some resilience and how to stand up for herself? Easier said than done, I know.

RhodaBull · 31/01/2017 12:13

When I was at primary school, the cry used to go up fairly often, "Ooooh, I'm going to tell on you!" I asked dd if kids still did this, and she looked blank, and said she'd never heard the phrase.

So "telling" a dinner lady was quite a common occurrence in my day, but dinner ladies would nod sagely and unless someone had been beheaded, suggest the child played with someone else. Actually, that's showing my age. Aren't dinner ladies called "mid-day supervisors" now?

Original poster
Justalittlelemondrizzle · 31/01/2017 17:16

Update: both girls went to see deputy head together. Dd said she spoke to the other girl about dealing with things in the right way before speaking to both of them about how they can deal with squabbles better in future. She sent dd out for playtime and asked the other girl to stay behind. That's all dd knows. I've told her to forget about it now and let me know if anything else happens between them again. At which point I will be kicking up a fuss and see if the school deal with my complaint in the same way.

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