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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should keep an eye on this woman?

55 replies

Evilrhooo · 24/01/2017 05:43

My DP is a good looking barman. I am used to customers flirting and have only ever got annoyed when they've gone too far (pushing me out of way to give him their number for instance) but it hasn't happened for a while. Wide awake my phone is flat, so I go on his tablet. Messenger is up and I see a conversation between him and a woman who I don't know. She seems to be driving the conversation, it's not about hot sex or anything but just unnecessary iyswim. She does also say they had a good time didn't they? This is probably referring to a night he worked so he was doing his job. I am now feeling really uncomfortable though. I think it's because he's not mentioned it, we have no friends in common on fb and she is not his friend which is odd in this tiny place and I now feel really insecure.
Aibu to feel like this and how would you feel? Thanks xx

OP posts:

IfartInYourGeneralDirection · 24/01/2017 05:45

Its your dp whos in a relationship not her.

Original poster

Evilrhooo · 24/01/2017 05:46

That is very true, but do you think I should be suspicious?

OP posts:

Catherinebee85 · 24/01/2017 05:49

I always think no smoke without fire unfortunately and I'd be feeling hurt and panicky.

Guess you need to tell him, and tell him it's made you feel insecure again. Why would he add someone on facebook that he'd just met in a bar.

My suspicious mind is saying he probably knows she's not just after friendship....or maybe she is and its totally innocent. There's only one way to find out.

Hope it goes well!

SingingInTheRainstorm · 24/01/2017 05:56

I would be inclined to jokingly ask DP about her. Be honest and say you picked up tablet and saw the conversation, you felt she was being rather over familiar.
I also think you need to evaluate things with your DP, like do you trust him? Some men are naturally flirty, but their OH are totally comfortable with female friends, as they know their OH would never roam. Really before numbers are even given, he should be saying sorry ladies in taken. You shouldn't have to push them out the way.
It does sound like there is a bit of insecurity and this does need addressing, mostly because it will drive you crazy. So think why you feel this way and why it's an issue for you.
I could be wrong but was the checking of messenger accidental, or you checking up on him? It's something both sexes do if they have doubts. I'd say nothing to feel ashamed about, but DP might feel hurt you feel the woman is any way a threat to you.

Boomerwang · 24/01/2017 06:01

Due to the nature of his job it's always going to be like this for you. I don't envy you at all. You sound insecure anyway. Did you meet him at this bar? I think this one is up to you, not him or her. You have to come to terms with it before your insecurity breaks you both apart anyway.

Tell him what you discovered and how it makes you feel. If he then starts to hide things from you then you know where his priorities lie.

Boomerwang · 24/01/2017 06:02

sorry x post with singing I've said pretty much the same thing.

VintagePerfumista · 24/01/2017 06:05

Should you keep an eye on this woman?

How exactly would you do that?

Should you keep an eye on your partner? Abso-fucking-lutely.

I do agree with the comment that there's no smoke without fire. And it's been a long while since a colleague, male or female, has messaged me to say what a good time we had in work....

Just sayin'.

You might want to mull over whether or not this woman knows your partner is partnered as well.

But, forget her. He's your problem.

Helloitsme87 · 24/01/2017 06:14

Well I wouldn't just be keeping an eye on the woman. YOur DP is also at fault here and he is the one in a relationship so...... I would be asking him immediately to explain

Fallonjamie · 24/01/2017 06:26

No don't keep an eye on her...if your DP is a good bloke then he won't get up to anything. I'm a little confused why you'd think to keep an eye on women when it's your DPs actions you need to worry about.

AnyFucker · 24/01/2017 06:28

It's your partner you have a problem with

Original poster

Evilrhooo · 24/01/2017 06:29

Yes. I put it the wrong way round really didn't I? Maybe the situation needs an eye keeping on it. I'm not generally insecure. The other incidents used to happen a lot when we were both younger and not married or together long, and I was really insecure in those days. I think it's definitely sent me back to those days. The woman is aware of me, and is not single, but as you all have rightly stated my DP should be my main focus.

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Original poster

Evilrhooo · 24/01/2017 06:30

I am glad some have said it is odd. It feels odd.

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Original poster

Evilrhooo · 24/01/2017 06:33

As for sneaking, switched tablet on, messenger up and messenger helpfully gives you those little circle pictures so I spotted it and thought.... Who the? And then I did unashamedly read it.

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 24/01/2017 06:38

Can I just point out, your DP isn't at fault as a PP has said as he hasn't actually done anything wrong. If you need to 'keep an eye on him' likes he's a dog who might escape from the garden that's not great for either of you. Just be honest with him and say that you saw the messages and they made you uncomfortable?

Original poster

Evilrhooo · 24/01/2017 06:44

Fenella, thanks you're right. He sounds awful! And I do. I'm not a jealous type normally but my gut is nagging me.

OP posts:

Helloitsme87 · 24/01/2017 06:46

Well fenella- he's messaging another woman who OP doesn't know and she's talking about if they had fun the other night.
Doesn't sound brilliant and I always trust my gut. So go with that OP and I hope that's an explanation

Original poster

Evilrhooo · 24/01/2017 06:53

Actually I just re read and I think he may have instigated the second contact. On Christmas eve I feel sick.

OP posts:

Original poster

Evilrhooo · 24/01/2017 06:57

Now I feel really shook up tbh. All those years ago I used to get upset and jealous. I got over that. It was my problem as I never felt confident, worthy, whatever. He's never been unfaithful as far as I know. I felt secure and happy in our relationship. I want to cry. Thanks for talking to me everyone, it is greatly appreciated.

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GinIsIn · 24/01/2017 07:05

Helloitsme He has a job that means he works nights - he met her at work, and even the OP says it would plausibly be referring to a night when he was working, not socialising with this woman.

The messages are innocuous in nature and are you seriously telling me you think that nobody in a relationship should communicate innocently with anyone of the opposite sex?

OP you have 2 choices - you can talk to him honestly about your concerns, or you can say nothing, continue to freak out and watch his messages secretly because you don't trust him. And who wants to be with someone they don't trust?

faithinthesound · 24/01/2017 07:05

Can't tell you how to /feel/, but can offer some suggestions about how to /act/.

If you call this woman out, you'll be branded the jealous harpie type.
If you call your partner out, you'll be branded the jealous harpie type.

Keep on behaving as if everything is normal, because until he does something and there's irrefutable proof that he's been unfaithful (and it sounds like so far there isn't), any reaction you have to her will be seen as an /over/ reaction, and you risk coming off as the unreasonable one while she can sit there, play the victim and wonder whyyyyy you haaaaaaate her so muuuuuuuch.

Miserylovescompany2 · 24/01/2017 07:05

I guess you'll never really know unless you ask? Speak to him...

TataEs · 24/01/2017 07:06

you say it's not sex/sexting/that sort of talk... what about it makes u uncomfortable?

you say you used to get upset and jealous, maybe that's why he didn't tell u.

if it was a guy you wouldn't think twice, but because she has a vagina it's a problem? despite them both being in a relationship? tbh you sound quite insecure, unless there's something in the conversation that implies there's is something untoward going on. flirting is pretty harmless, and a bit par for the course when u work a bar.

has he actively given her his number? or has she found him on facebook?

all you can do is talk to him. "monitoring the situation" as u certainly cannot keep an eye on this woman, is unhealthy. either you trust him or you don't imo.

faithinthesound · 24/01/2017 07:07

Adding, if you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship, so I guess you have to ask yourself which is stronger here - your unease over the sitation, or your trust in him.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 24/01/2017 07:07

I think the fact you've gone back, really does say something. Not sure what you've discovered. Hope it's nothing too worrying.
Open communication is key, but doing so without him getting annoyed at being checked on / caught out, might be tricky. I'd imagine he would get defensive that you read the message.
I didn't think messages showed like that on FB anymore. You're more or less bullied into getting messenger. Either way hope you're ok.

Original poster

Evilrhooo · 24/01/2017 07:17

Thanks Singing, I'm OK just feel odd. It's on messenger. I think what is actually bothering me is that on looking carefully he has initiated the conversation and they are sort of comfy, even though I don't even know her as a friend of his if that makes sense? He's got loads of female friends and I don't give a hoot normally. I will be talking to him, absolutely, got to wait till kids have left for school. He said she looked stunning as usual in one of them. It was at three in the morning.

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